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08-06-2012, 08:44 PM #1
Portraits How To Break Up With Your Partner
So the basic premise for this is that two people have been in a long term relationship for a while. I would think 6 months at a minimum. Have a deep emotional connection, and have had a solid relationship. Both parties at some point where in love, and one wants to end the relationship. The other, does not.
This is not applicable to flings, ONS, or FWB. This also does not apply if a partner has done something that has made the other want to end the relationship. (Cheating, lying, etc). This is only for a break up via ‘Natural Causes’.
First of all, make sure that you are committed to a break up, and that this is exactly what you want. If you break up with a girl, and aren’t really sure that it’s what you want, and end up stringing her along for a while, it will not end well. You will most likely end up hurting her more, getting into a lot of fights, and you can do a lot of emotional damage to both of you. You will also be a lot less likely to end on good terms once all the emotions die down.
Most break ups happen for the following reasons ;
• One partner finds someone else, or has feelings for another person
• They lose attraction for there partner
• They wish to be single, and feel that they need to experience the world as an individual and not be in a relationship.
• Logistics dictate they cant remain in a close relationship (I.E. Move over seas)
• Obviously there are many other reasons, I just found these to be the main ones.
Stick to your guns
So, you have decided that this is what you want. You want to be single, you have found someone else, you don’t love her any more, whatever the reason, make sure you know are 100% sure why. Be committed to them, and stick to your guns when breaking up. Don’t get caught in a trap of going around in circles, and trying to explain every detail, only to have your words used against you later on. Know your reason, and be resolute with your decision.
How to initiate the conversation
Do it in person. Don’t do it via text, don’t do it via text, phone call, email, word of mouth, Facebook or anything like that. Make sure you treat her with the respect that she deserves, and man up, and do it in person. Not only does this show that you did appreciate the relationship you had, it also gives her a chance to understand why it is happening. It gives her a chance to communicate with you, and get some kind of early closure on the relationship.
If you sent her a message saying “It’s over, sorry, good lucky, xx”. She would flip out, her imagination would go into over drive, and she would constantly call, text, show up etc to find out why. She would assume you never cared and that the relationship was just bullshit. If you want her to have fond memories of your time together, or at least not look back on them with anguish and resentment, then show her some respect and do it in person, with some dialogue.
Begin my sitting her down, and letting her know that you need to talk about your relationship. Do this when you first see her, don’t just bring it up randomly after hanging out with her for 3 or 4 hours, don’t call her and say you need to have a talk about your relationship.
Calling her and saying “We need to talk about out relationship” will basic prompt her into panic mode of “WHAT DO WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT?”. Eventually, if you stay on the phone, you will end up doing it over the phone, which isn’t ideal, or she will preempt the break up, or will just freak out for the period of time until you see her and actually do the break up. So it is a no win really, and I wouldn’t recommend it.
For example, this is how I would recommend it, show up at her apartment, hug her, say ‘Hi’, then sit her down on the couch, and say “I need to talk to you about our relationship” Then launch into your break up speech.
Break up speech
If you give her something along the lines of “Hey HB9, I have had a really great time with you over the last year. We have had some really great times, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. However, this relationship is not working for me anymore. (Insert reason: I have met someone else, I love you, but I’m not in love with you, I need to be single etc… Be very delicate with this). I really hope we can remain friends once all the water has gone under the bridge, and I really do wish you the very best”. (Don’t use this speech, just something I did in about two seconds, and I am sure a lot more thought could be put into it).
Be delicate with your reason. This is not the time to go ego hunting, and try and get her to plead to stay with you, or let her know how much she loves you etc. This is all about her, and trying to make her go through as little pain as possible, and still have the relationship terminate. If you are leaving her for another girl, don’t say “You are only a HB9, I have found a HB10, and I am upgrading”. If you are leaving her for another girl, that will be devastating for most girl, be honest about it. It will hurt more knowing you bullshitted her, and then she found out through a friend of a friend.
If you have met someone else, I would try and word it something along these lines
“I have been having feelings for another person. I don’t think it is fair on either of us for this relationship to continue, It had made me question how I feel about you, and I don’t want to put you through any more pain than is necessary. I am sorry, but this relationship has to end”.
Obviously a girl is going to be inquisitorial about the break up. She is going to have a lot of questions, and a lot emotion regarding it. Try to be as honest as possible, without being brutal. Again, there is no sense making this more painful than it has to be. I stress though, that pain now, will be better than the prolonged pain of lies and untold truths.
Make sure she understands that the break up is permanent. Do not give her “I just don’t know about us now, I just need a bit of space”. That is not a break up that is a BREAK. Girls will find a difference, and will cling onto hope. Be better and stronger than that. If you think maybe in a while you may want to get back together, then that is something you will have to face in a few months. Don’t give her that lingering hope that, as it will stop her form beginning the grieving process.
Post Break up Communication
Explain that in order for her to start grieving, and moving on, it is best that you stop communication. I don’t suggest you do this immediately. She is going to, over the next few days, have a lot of questions about why you are breaking up, what’s going on etc… You will need to slowly take her to no communication. I suggest giving her a week, where you will speak to her, reply to her messages (Do not see her). Let her know this.
“I think its better we stop communicating for a while, however, if you do have any questions, or feel the need to call or talk over the next week, I will. After that though, I think its best if we cut all contact until we have both moved on”.
Do not initiate contact with her during this week or at any stage after the break up. Don’t find out what she is up to, don’t ask her for a coffee, or anything like that. You have broken up with her, you have to be the strong one of the pair, and set the example of moving on. It will not help her, if you are constantly messaging her etc. because you have nothing else to do, and you miss her company.
After that initial week, no-contact should be implemented. This means no responding to any abusive messages. No texting, no calls, no Facebook emails or anything. Complete and utter no contact. I would also advice blocking\deleting her from any social networks. Not because you are bitter, but because these tools have no aid in the break up. They will only lead to one partner hanging on, or using them against each other… I.E. Posting pictures / check ins to create jealousy.
Facebook especially, means she is much less likely to sit there, stare at your profile and your recently added pictures/friends and wonder about the great time that you are having without her. She is also less likely to send you messages etc. asking “Who is this slut I saw you added on Facebook”.
No matter what messages, how many calls, or emails abuse or lies get sent, it should be remembered that all of this is coming out of negative emotions. The person has just been dumped, and feels shit. They are angry, they want you to hurt like you hurt them. They want you to feel their pain/sadness, they want you back, and they love/hate you all at once and get over whelmed by the emotions they feel.
If they abuse you, it’s not because they mean it, it is because they are hurt. Don’t give in to there abuse, and don’t respond it to. The longer no-contact is implemented, the easier it will get for the person who has been left. This can take months. It also takes a lot of self control.
If you are seriously worried about the person, and think they might hurt themselves, or they are in actual danger, use your best judgment in the situation. This may include speaking to their friends/family and getting them help. Don’t however, let them use this as a tool to get back into your life. Your first responsibility is to yourself, not them.
Depending on how long you where together, and the depth of your connection and feelings for each other, I would suggest that this no contact phase drag on for months… Usually between 4-8 months. Sometimes longer. After that time period, once both of you have moved on, and neither of you want a relationship with each other, you can slowly begin communicating again. You can rebuild a friendship, and start normal dialogue.
Be 100% certain that both parties are over the relationship. If not then this is just going to lead to disaster. It is better to wait longer than required, than it is to try and rush things.
I suggest even during this early dialogue, that you steer clear of talk about relationship, love, your past, etc. as to not dig up old feelings.
Remember, that as the person doing the break-up it is your responsibility to lead the break up. It is your decision, and you have to remain strong and resolute in that decision. You have made a choice that you think is best for you. Although it may be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes, and it may be difficult to be alone, etc. You must be looking at the long term goal and desires and not cave into a whim or a fleeting desire.
Your first priority is yourself. You are breaking up with a person for whatever reason, and as such, you are removing all responsibility you have to that person. This doesn’t mean they don’t deserve respect, and that you don’t care, but you have to make yourself your priority, and not them. That is crucial during the break up.
08-07-2012, 06:28 AM #2
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I'd like to add that I believe it should not only be done in person, but also in a public place. I also have found that it helps to not jump directly into it, but after a couple of polite comments such as 'how's your day going' etc.. It's almost too dramatic to go headlong into a breakup. (I've broken up with three girls in the past year).
Awesome nonetheless Portrait.
08-07-2012, 10:14 AM #3
Great stuff Portrait. Conincidentally, I posted in another thread that we needed guide like this on the forum.
This needs to be stickied.
08-07-2012, 11:27 AM #4
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Yes, should be stickied. Just been through one and used Portraits advice and it helped a lot.
Good work fella
08-08-2012, 02:25 PM #5
@JackAndCoke yeah thats why I wrote it. I saw your post and thought it was a great idea, so decided to write this up.
@fuz yeah, I agree with that. I was more trying to say not to just ahgn out, watch a movie spend a day together or something, and then at the end as you are leaving say "Oh by the way"
@Flinch Cheers mate, Hope this does help you out.
These are some of the basic steps I have taken when I have broken up with a girl.
08-14-2012, 01:30 AM #6
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It reminds me to the way i handle those kind of situations, just that i do not reach out again (neither i let them reach out to me), never.
I think that all the ex's are a closed chapters that go directly to the past, and they do not fit anymore in the present, so...i do not agree in the part of contacting again xD.
09-04-2012, 03:47 PM #7
Something I'd like to add. Here are some tips I've found:
1) When it comes to giving her the break up speech and reason for the break up sometimes being honest isn't going to help. If she's a psycho bitch, then there's a good chance that explaining that she's a psycho bitch isn't going to go over well. And sometimes, there's no need to provide a long speech. Usually, its best to simply say something along the lines of, "I don't think this is working out, I think we should stop seeing each other."
And that's it! Nothing more. The advantage of this is that "I don't think this is working out" gives her no where to go.
If she asks why, simply reply "It just isn't working out." She hits a dead end.
If she pushes the issue with the same question, "But why?" again, give the same response, "You know its really hard to explain completely but I just don't think things are working out..." She's hit a dead end again.
If she gives a reason of her own or floats tester questions, such as, "Is it because we haven't been having sex?" Neutrally acknowledge that, but revert to the main statement: "Sure, we haven't been having sex, but its more than that... things aren't right and they're not working out." BOOM! Dead end again.
2) Keep your buffer phrases neutral! A buffer phrase allows the girl some time to let the break up sink in. For example, "You probably know what I'm going to say..." or "This is really tough for me..." then you go into the break up speech.
Don't get overemotional and say things like, "You probably don't care anyway..." or "You're probably not going to like this, but...." Keep your feelings in the can.
3) If she doesn't react to the break up - KEEP YOUR BLOODY MOUTH SHUT! Don't go further into another break up speech and provide extra explanations. Keep quiet! If you're lucky, she'll be cool with the break up and agree with you. If she gives you an out, consider it a miracle and high tail it out of there!
4) But, usually she will react. She may be angry. She may cry. She may be both. What should you do?
#1 Start crying too! But, sometimes you won't be able to. So, go to option#2.
#2 Stoic silence. Let her do whatever she needs to do. You keep your mouth shut. Not a word. Once she's done, repeat the nicest variation of the dumping phrase and give a polite closure phrase, "You have no idea how beautiful you are and what a great person you are." Then you leave. Feel like shit. Try to shake it off. Mourn the loss of the relationship, whatever you need to do to get over her.
But, whatever you do, do not panic.
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