Discuss How would you respond to this? at the Relationships within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; How would you respond to this?
Ok, here's the basic background. I've been married for ...
How would you respond to this?
Ok, here's the basic background. I've been married for about 2.5 years, have a 1.5 year old child, and am a recovering beta - the marriage is distressed. I've been adding some alpha behavior over the past couple of months and she has been responding pretty well, although I obviously have my work cut out for me.
Anyway, I have a situation that I would like to not come across as beta in. She has met up with some work girlfriends this past week for dinner (no problem). She also has several plans to meet up with other girlfriends for dinners/brunches, etc.. over the next few weeks - no suspicious behavior and I can confirm each of these plans with the other girl.
Today, I ask what we have going on this weekend (I have plans I want to make without her during the day) and she says she is going out with those same work friends on Saturday (which I believe) and forgot to mention it to me. I'm alittle annoyed by it b/c she just hung out with them (normally she does a girls night once every couple months), and the fact that she already has relegated me to babysitter duty for several other dates in the next 3 weeks.
I'm not really that down with her going out next weekend with her work friends that she just went out with but don't want to frame it as beta by saying "don't go out with them, or we have plans so you need to cancel", especially when I don't have solid plans with her. I think it is BS though that she keeps making plans without checking with me first.
How do I frame a solid alpha response to this (I feel like it's a shit test of "I can do whatever I want and you better just deal with it")?
Tell her you need to be informed of plans as you also like to do your own thing. No need to be bitter because she's seeing friends, that's the kind of thing she'd take as you being controlling. Find a babysitter and use the time to do something yourself. Just make a point that you will be doing things as well and she needs to talk it over with you so you can both have time to do whatever you want away from each other. A lot of Alpha behaviour is basically common sense.. It comes with the mindset
It sounds like she is treating you like a babysitter.
Let her know you are definitely not a babysitter. You are her husband, and should be treated as such. Its fine that she see's the girls. This is very healthy. Once / twice a week is not unreasonable. However, you have a child to be looked after, and you both havea responsibility to be conciderate of eachother when making plans. You are joined at the hip.
I would just let her know in a firm, but polite manner that when she makes plans, she should check with you. Not just for your sake, but for your child. She is not 21, single, and able to just go out willy nilly.
Marriage is a different kettle of fish. It is very easy when in a relationship, with no children to say "Fuck it, just go out and do your own thing for a few weeks, pull away a bit and let her come to you." However, I wouldn't reccommend doing that kind of stuff while in a marriage.
I would think communication is your best effort here. Just let her know how you are feeling. Dont come accross as needy, or Beta. Just let her know that this is not cool.
You are still very young, so going out and ejoying yourselves should be part of your life. Try doing more activities together. Do you have couple friends you can hang out with? Or more mutual friends you can see. Spending more time going out together can really help a relationship. It gives you things to look forward to together, interesting topics to talk about (gossip), and can often bring you closer together.
I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
~ George Best
The war between the sexes is over. Men won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise.
~ Jacob Palmer
I would be worried about marriage itself rather than about her not informing you. She does exactly what I did to my ex wife not long before starting divorce, I started emotionally and just in general moving on and looking around.
If you don't know in the first 20 minutes whether or not you are going to have sex with the women you just met, you are not a seductionist. - Svengali
Several other dates over the next few weeks? As long as you're comfortable with what she is doing, I would give her the space and also get a babysitter and do your own thing as well. With a 1.5 year old she may be taking a small breather, though thats not your job to babysit. Maybe tell her its great, but maybe she could do the same for you as a trade because there's some friends you would like to reconnect with as well. If this becomes an extended pattern then something might be up, and you shouldn't let her take advantage of you for childcare.
The marriage is stressed, for sure. I've been too beta for too long. I'm just now starting to alpha myself back into this relationship - with mixed results. She seems to like being stood up to, but at other times, she seems to have this vibe of indifference. Case in point. We have a wedding to go to in another town - her close friend. She said she wanted to book the tickets asap, so last week, she sat in front of me and booked her ticket. When she finished, I said "did you book mine?" and she said she didn't. I told her to book mine, she made up some lame excuse like she didn't know all my personal information or something along those lines and it would be easier for me to do it. I stood my ground, told her to stop being rude, and book my ticket. A week goes by, I sent her an email (while we're both at work) asking her to forward my itinerary. She says she never agreed to book my ticket and that she felt I was rude about telling her to. She said she thought I should book my own. I sent her a note back saying that she was the one who was rude and inconsiderate, and that she should have just booked mine when she did hers, and besides I didn't even know the times and dates she was traveling. She proceeds to just send me a copy of HER itinerary. Not sure how to Alpha this one - she basically is calling my bluff on standing up for myself. I could cause a fight tonight about it.
I ended up going out with friends on Friday night and she stayed in, tentatively made plans for next Saturday (the girls night out) out of spite of her - but probably can't afford a babysitter for 3 days next week. She also had one of her plans fall through and agreed to a date night with me on Friday, plus going to a baseball game on the following Tuesday. So it's sorta a wash. I just want her to know that I am not going to be walked all over. Which I was in the past. I've been being more of an ass lately, cocky, call her out on stuff - telling her she just looks "okay" when she dresses up (when in reality, she's a hottie) when she solicites a complement. I've also been trying to figure out how to stand up to her when she relentlessly nags - lately I've been just firmly saying "STOP." She definitely has noticed a subtle change, so I think I'm on the right track, but I do know I have dug myself a pretty huge hole here, in terms of her attraction to me.
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