Thread: Advice from the outside
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11-11-2011, 03:22 PM #31
Has sent me one of those Xmas viral txts which says to send to 9 people you always want in your life and will love forever, could be fucking with me now.
11-13-2011, 09:10 AM #32
Ok another new day, do see her around as I keep saying so can't go complete NC, but have taken the stance of not mentioning the situation or showing frustration, change her mood not her mind, and also doing my own thing.
Will come up to me and talk, but right now isn't the same, gave me hug today and drove me down to car but the energy isn't the same as it was before, which is natural as we have had big talks and argument the past couple of weeks, just have to use time to see where it goes at the moment, maybe she will txt, maybe she won't, will just have to see.
11-16-2011, 02:34 AM #33
Update, since saturday, has gone back to txting me, and has called me on Monday night and last night. Have tried to keep it light but from time to time does slip into heavy, haven't been over emotional either with her.
Maybe this is just a side of my mind but still have part of me that wants to know what the fuck is happening, has met me to walk down to my car after work couple of times but doesn't kiss me now, has given me hugs a couple of times but nothing more, just saying to myself its a case of changing her mood not her mind, I can't say anything about it, haven't been out together since either. One thing I do want to avoid is LJBF, even though it's been a whole year and before she went away was nothing like this.
Any thoughts on frame to take here??
11-20-2011, 01:39 AM #34
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I have to say PolarBear, that I think you need to bring this to a head, one way or the other.
Your 'frame' needs to be one of strength. The relationship as it stands is not fulfilling for you. She is neither acting like a girlfriend nor seemingly wanting to end things. And in all honesty, I think you're very much in the danger zone of LJBF, so if you don't end it or bring it to a head, I reckon there's a high chance of you getting that speech somewhere in the not too distant future.
You are still waiting for her to text you. You can be assertive when you contact her. It doesn't have to be needy/clingy. But by waiting for her to text you, you're being AFC even if you don't know it. And don't think that she would not be able to tell how upset you are right now, because she can. She may be trying to avoid breaking up because she doesn't want to hurt you further or because she's confused or because she doesn't want to be the 'bad' girl.
While it's difficult to go completely NC, I think other than those unavoidable moments, that's what you need to do. Preempt it by saying something like you are getting very mixed signals from her, you are tired of the confusion, indecision and uncertainty and you want some space yourself. In other words, withdraw from her/close down to her.
I know this will go against every being in your body, but something needs to snap. You need to do something to re-attract her and what you're doing isn't going to achieve that. As hard as it is, consider what you would prefer. Being friend-zoned...or having a few weeks of silence with the possibility that you might get things back on track. Yes, she might not come back, but if that's the case then she wasn't really 'with' you anyway and as scary as that thought might be, what's happening now is wearing you out and not really attracting her back. YOU need a break, in all honesty. To gain some clarity, some relief, some certainty, some perspective. I personally can't see anything else working for you right now (sorry).
11-20-2011, 03:07 AM #35
I agree with the poster above, because I think you should pursue what would make you happy at the moment. I don't think you need to have a conversation with her about it, because she seems confused at the moment and may not know how to say what she's feeling or what she wants. I think you can move on in your own mind -- be nice to her when you see her (because you work at the same place, from what it sounds, you can't necessarily avoid her completely) but go about your business, assume in your mind that you're free to do what you want and put yourself in a position to find someone who would make you happier.
If you think you should have some kind of discussion with her about the fact that the two of you should take a break from one another, that might clarify things more and it would be a more direct way of handling it.
11-21-2011, 01:56 AM #36
Thanks again guys, have only just read posts on here, we don't exactly work together just close by, but does come to see me sometimes on lunch break and after.
Have managed to gain mindset back and have had thinking that it's just a girl, and shouldn't stop moving forwards and being me. This has had an effect, have let her come to me if iv been out and have push pulled a little. Also through all this have kept busy, done some new things and played through the pain if that makes sense.
Past couple of days she has come back a little and been talking to me, went away for couple of days but was txting even though she was with people, did flirt a bit and yesterday was talking to me all through the day, and txting all night, said she can't believe some of the new stuff iv done, even just starting on twitter without telling her, and said she's not liking that I don't tell her stuff now, was just joking around. Said we will have to catch up and teased a while.
One thing like archeress said though is avoiding LJBF, it's almost as if in some ways it's gone back to initial attraction, in how we speak, although its been a year, is that normal??
11-21-2011, 04:53 AM #37
Have to avoid LJBF
11-21-2011, 11:21 AM #38
Update, aint too sure this is positive. After her txting me all last night although her mum had come to visit from where she lives, she then txt me this morning saying she couldn't stop crying, and she would wait to walk up to where I work with me. She did, sat in car for a little while and was teared up, didn't say too much just let her talk. Then later in the day something where she worked had hit her emotionally again and came to me crying her eyes out, had never seen her like this and obviously had to hold her, bought her a drink and let her talk. Has been a whole month now since she went back home, and although I maybe could have handled things better, she is still messed up over it.
In terms of LJBF there wasn't much I could do there as I do care about her and obviously had to comfort her, but don't want to end up being there for her while she ends things if that makes sense. Yesterday was the first day she had been anywhere near how she was, but now 5 steps back. Not sure whether to be there for her or let her work it out.
11-21-2011, 12:09 PM #39
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I think people gave a very good advice here.
Right now up to this point she is the one who calls all the shots, when, how and how often, she basically broke your frame and it is very bad place to be in.
Even if you guys come together and become close again, the dynamic of relationship will never be same again, deep inside she will always know that your frame is weak and huge portion of attraction and respect for you lost forever and she will always has that upper hand on you.
It is unfortunate, but you cannot step in same river twice.
11-21-2011, 12:27 PM #40
So what broke the frame?? I mean people do have difficult times together. Even now am taking the mindset of doing my own thing and keeping busy.
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