Discuss How to react to Orbiter returning at the Relationships within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; How to react to Orbiter returning
My gf of 10months told me today that she ...
How to react to Orbiter returning
My gf of 10months told me today that she went to the cinema this afternoon just herself and a guy called Sam. This guy was one of her best mates for about a year but was crazy about her - she kept turning him down. Two weeks after meeting me, he got himself a gf and ignored my girl completely.
However since getting dumped last month, he has bugged her constantly to meet up with him as 'friends'
Now in my eyes going on a 'date' with a guy mate who previously worshipped the ground you walked on while in a relationship is wrong.
How do I handle this, would saying you disagreed with it be a beta move? Would ignoring it completely undermine me? Im very unsure how to proceed.
I'm tired of this shit. You tell her fuck no, that aint a beta move. Its called right and wrong. And you said it: its wrong.
It has already happened.... so would saying no your not seeing him again be a bit controlling. I dont even want to see him as a threat cos he he is seriously needy.
Would really like to know if any of you guys know how to handle this? I tried asking her to limit contact/ not see one on one but she basically just ignored it and its a DLV so thats no good...
Gf has LOTS of "guy friends"/"orbiters" I've been thinking lately the only way to deal with it is to get lots of "girl friends" and then have her tell you its not cool to hang out with them ththere - and then bam - hypocracy trap. ALthough she'l usually pull the "but I've known them for a million years and you just met her" card........... so its also not foolproof - what you think???????
Coming from a girl: she does it because she needs the attention and everything 'cuddly' and 'soft' and whatever it is that it's coming from him. she doesn't like him cause if she did, she would be with him and not with you. but she definitely needs something from him, just like he 'needs' her. if a man acts like this, yeah, it's totally clear he wants her. women have maternal instincts so many times we're just feeling 'fraternal' towards guys (friends) as opposed to me who are a bit more sexual.
so my advice would be to let her know you don't like the fact that HE IS NEEDY. DO NOT say 'I don't like that you are seeing him/he wants to see you, cause I see it as a date'. This will make you look needy, threatened and a big pussy and the other dude will automatically appear shiny and sparkly (plus he's willing to jump through hoops for her, as opposed to you two having a relationship where i assume not everything is 100% perfect, cause that's how things are).
Just let her know, either if the subject comes up or she brings it up (do so that it comes up, but NEVER say something like 'i need to talk to you about that dude'). The most you can do is say 'hey, did you have fun? how's X, still crazy about you?' with a quirky-yet-slightly bitter smile on your face, then CUT IT OFF.
She will pick up on that and see it bothers you; if she continues pulling this kind of shit, give her a taste of her own medicine; stop being attentive with her, spend time with your friends, etc.
I am telling you, i am a girl, and a 'sweet' and 'caring' one, and I have no reason to lie to you. If a girl wants to meet someone who was never her true real friend, and she always knew he was into her, then she does it for the attention he gives her. depending on her personality and needs, she might even end up sleeping with him (I am not trying to say your gf will do it, i am speaking generally, as a woman), without feeling like she cheated on you because 'you're the one that i love'. hard to explain but that's how women think...and who says otherwise is lying.
anyways so if they were super close before, then no need to worry (forgot this part, hehe). if she never saw him as a 'friend' in the true sense of the term and was always flattered by him engaging his affections towards her..time to try the upper case strategy ^^
definition of 'super close' (between a man and woman):
-she helped him pick up girls, introduced him to her single friends, and vice versa (when she was single); they pimped each other out, in short.
-knew each other's families, at least one member (mom,dad, sister, etc), not to mention friends/co-workers;
-talked about intimate stuff in a non-intimate manner (the way people post here, for example) looking for each other's opinions.
- could sleep in the same bed without as much as touching/kissing
-she felt like kissing and hugging him like she'd hug a baby, completely non-sexually (if something 'nice' happened- he got a promotion, passed an exam, etc)
That is what close friends means. If they were 'just buddies'...then i gave my opinion. I am not saying you should do as i say or smth, it's just my two cents as a girl.
This is what they all SAY and they even believe it themselves most of the time I think. BUT it they are spending more time texting/emailing/talking to the friend and they talk about slightly more intimate things like their relationship with them as long as the guy isn't a total moron she will start to develop feelings for him. Its almost inevitable I think.
Originally Posted by Anouk
I have tried this but first question is WHY would we care if he is needy? I dont see a reason for not being cool with that and she will say - "who cares if he is needy - I dont like him that way so what the problem?" (well I've outlined the problem above but they never believe it). I agree it will make him seem more shiny if you ban him, but I think he's already a bit more shiny for the other reasons you listed.
Originally Posted by Anouk
So how do you deal with it then? Can't we just realise that its disrespect? Say that its not cool because it could damage the relationship for the reasons above and thus she should limit the contact to not much (although this brings problems since she will push to increase this and make more contact seem more shiny). I see the only honorable thing to do is to keep your distance with opposite sex "friends" unless your with your gf/bf when your in a relationship cause it just leads to trouble. - what does everyone else think?
I think your advice on what to do is mostly right though - I'm just pointing out flaws I can see. The giving the own medicine seems to be the only real way of dealing with it sadly - I'd never want to resort to such tactics but apparently its all that works with girls that are ignorant of how it can damage things and refuse to accept that it can even when its spelled out to them. Sad but true.
I think this is the basis of the distinction between promiscuous and non promiscuous girls - the former realise that limits need to be put in place between the sexes, the others treat guys like gf's and then end up falling for them
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