Discuss Had sex with LTR material, now busy and no time to see me at the Relationships within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; Had sex with LTR material, now busy and no time to see me
So before ...
Had sex with LTR material, now busy and no time to see me
So before knowing anything about the game, started hitting on a 21 year old HB9 around 10 months ago on facebook. Didn't know her well and without better knowledge had just C/F conversations on facebook trying to get her to party with me. She said she was busy all the times I asked her so started ignoring her. After 2 weeks of silence, she started a conversation asking about when she could come to party with me. Got her to come over several times (4 weekends in row, she lives 50 miles away), had fun and drank with her and her friends but just couldn't get anything else out the situation. Everytime she would go home straight from the bar. Already gave up and kept her as a friend but a month ago she suggested she would come over for the whole weekend with her 2 female friends. Had a nice weekend as previously but she would sleep in my bed with her friends and I would be on a mattress. All our previous conversations would just be C/F shit, nothing serious but for the first time we talked some more deep stuff that weekend. Felt good about it and more connected to her than before. Still didn't think her as anything more than a friend. Now 2 weeks ago she suddenly texts me if she and her friends would come over to party and if they could sleep at my place. I was working as a bouncer and said it would be ok when I get from work. I came home and they dropped at my place soon after. I went to shower thinking I would be sleeping on the mattress once again but when I went to my bedroom, she was sleeping on my bed and her friends on the floor. Obviously planned. She was asleep so I wouldn't do anything but in the morning I woke up with her wrapped around me. We had an intimate few hours of cuddling, holding hands, touching each other etc. It think she felt really good, she was holding me tight, squeezing and so on. It was very natural and didn't feel awkward at all. It felt so much deeper than just fucking with some random girl. Still didn't even k-close her as it felt like she was avoiding doing it. She left and said they might be coming over next weekend.
I asked her the following week if she would be my avec in a party next weeks thursday but she refused as she had to go to school and work next day.
She also didn't confirm about the coming weekend and it was already saturday so I just sent here a text about them coming over or I would come over to their place (they live as roommates). She was ok with me and my friend coming over. Had a usual evening as before, didn't really talk with her all the evening at the bar. Now we got back to her place. She made a bed for my friend and said me that I could sleep with her. She immediately put her leg over me without any awkwardness and we started touching each other which lead to sex. It was really intimate and caring and nothing like with other girls just wanting a one night stand. She fell asleep in my arms. Had a early wakeup as my friend had things to do and had to leave.
Few hours after leaving her place, I had a short conversation on facebook with her saying that she would start study for an exam (= sleep). So I obviously said that we should sometimes study together, she had a laugh and said it would be nice. I didn't contact her the whole evening after that thinking she would wait for me to do so. Instead called her next evening and had a short conversation which she ended as she was dyeing her friends hair atm. Asked later that evening on facebook if she was willing to go out to eat with me and if she would like to study with me after that (again, meant sleeping with her). She said she was all busy studying for real and didn't have time, went AFC and said to let me know when she has time. We also talked about a gig Pendulum is throwing here a month from now. She said she was interested in coming and would ask her friends if they would come along. Next day she informed me her friends aren't coming so neither is she.
Now this is the situation where I'm right now. All 10 months she hasn't been interested in text games, answers few messages and then it ends. On facebook it has been all C/F and nothing serious. Now all suddenly wants to sleep with me, cuddle and all the shit but still hasn't got time to see me afterwards. I'm aiming for seeing her 2-3 times a week as suggested in Magic Bullets as she really is LTR material. I know she really is busy, goes to school and works till evening after school but know she would have time to see me for few hours after that. I already showed my interest in seeing her afterwards, asked if she had time to see me this week and asked her to the gig. Now I feel like I shouldn't ask her anymore as I don't want to come up as needy. Or needier than the situation already is. I have been ignoring her now for 2 days (she hasn't contacted me either) and tried to make her jelous putting a facebook status about me eating with another HB9. That same other HB9 put few funny pics on my wall and commented with hearts and got few friends asking me if we had something going on. She's really just a good friend but my target girl doesn't know that.
I have been playing cocky and funny all the long and have made clear I think LTRs are overrated and I don't need a woman. She's also really confident and has said that she needs no man. She has been single for over a year and a half after breaking up from a 5 year relationship which started when she was 16 so it might be the only LTR she has had. Maybe she doesn't want to get serious or she doesn't see me as potential LTR, but still the intimacy level we had suggests there's something more as it felt like she really was wanting something more than casual sex. Now how should I go on from this? I'm thinking of saying that I would be around where she lives for other business next sunday and could just have time to see her for a sec.
Hope you get something out of my stream of consiousness and I really appreciate all help.
Have to add. One of the mistakes I made in the past 10 months was to think that because she is really confident (atleast from outside), she would do a pass on me but that never occured. I think that coming from not having time for me to coming over 4 weekends in a row to party with me was a serious IOI and all the time I was just waiting her to give me a clear green light. I had been shy and did never do anything more than have a good time with her and make her laugh. It went cold for months as nothing happened and then suddenly we have a nice weekend together, talk deeper than the usual C/F and BOOM. She makes a move and puts her friends on the floor instead of me. In the morning I wake up with her head touching mine and hand over me, from that on I made all the moves towards touching each other and I was the one who had to do all moves (start kissing, start touching, even when going to her genitals, I had to take her hand and and put it on mine before she did anything) next weekend when we had sex.
So that suggests me she might had been interested all along but wanted me to do a pass on her. I didn't do anything about it as I was a pussy and waited for her to give me a clear sign.
Maybe she really is that busy and still waits for me to suggest a date on a better time instead of doing that herself as it really seems she wants a man to do everything. Or not. Insights?
Bear in mind that all women are instinctually driven to seek emotional connection with a man and/or a 'sole' connection (not soul - sole). As such, casual sex/relationships doesn't actually come 'natural' to women like it does men. Many men here will scoff at that and many younger women today behave contrary to that, but deep down, that's what drives them even if they 'deny' it or are unaware of it.
So her decision to sleep with you after experiencing more emotional connection with you is not surprising (to me). Especially when your interactions prior to that were all cocky and funny and you intimated that LTRs were not your thing etc. etc. Just because she's single and hot and doesn't want a relationship doesn't mean she's happy fucking anyone and anything on a mere whim. She might well still seek something 'more' than a blatant one night stand or whatever, in other words, and that 'talk/connection' gave her that.
The fact, also, that if you first connected with her 10 months ago and she's now been broken up from a 5 year relationship for 18 months, meaning that when you first met her she was less than a year out of that breakup, could well be a significant factor in the time it has taken for her to warm to you.
That said, her distance since might also still be well explained by her not yet being ready for a LTR and/or getting too emotionally involved with anyone. If she was in a LTR from 16-21, then it would be not only very normal, but also very healthy for her to spend a good stretch of time being single now.
My recommendation would be to back off a bit, not be too 'keen', give her plenty of distance/time to 'miss' you or wonder where you've gone. It worked in the past and she gradually moved closer to you, but she just might not be ready to be TOO close to you on an ongoing basis.
Give her more time. There's obviously attraction there, so keep that going when you get the chance, but don't make the mistake of thinking that C&F is the only way to go with her. There has to be a mixture, I would guess, for her. Maybe when she's had more time single and is truly 'over' her 5 year relationship, you will find her more consistent and proactive.
Don't underestimate how long a 5 year relationship at that stage of life can take to get over. They are extremely formative years for most people and to spend them with another person means that that person is instrinsically linked to their own development as a fully fledged adult. Practice some patience, in other words, and give her more space and time without losing connection with her in the process.
Really appreciate your input, thanks! I agree the first part but can't confirm about the latter. Her friend told me her relationship was pretty much dead the last 2 years and they were mentally separated long before moving out. Still, my friend who has know her from little, said she has really never been single so this just might be the time she wants to learn to be alone. Can't know for sure..
Story continues. Last week our communication was near zero after she told me she had lots of school work to do. Didn't talk to her on facebook for several days. On friday I said to her that I had other business to do near her place on sunday and it would be nice to eat with her as I was around. She said she was going out on saturday and would let me know on sunday if she didn't have a major hangover (= just leaving it open to have a possibility to say no later?). On saturday morning 8 AM she sent me a SMS asking if I was working that night and she might not go out after all. I was happy that one moment thinking she wasn't going to drink just to be ok next day to meet me. Found out later that evening she sent it almost asleep and asked if I was working because I was a bouncer before at her local bar and she had a dream I was still working there and she definately was going out that night.
Now I didn't talk to her after that and was waiting for sunday to see if she was willing to see me. She sent me a SMS in the morning that she had a bad allergic reaction last night and her face was all swollen. She suggested we would see some other time. I was a bit annoyed and told her it was ok if she told me the exact day we would meet. She responded pretty much "well, you can come if you want but I look like a monster". I was there around 10PM so it would be more likely to stay over. She and her 2 roommates (and best friends) were happy to see me (and yes, her face was really bad), we ate chinese together and after that she immediately took me beside her on the sofa and let me hold my arm around her in front of her roommates. Wached TV for a while and her roommates went to bed, I was pretty much leaving when I took a hold of her and asked if she would like me to stay over. She said it was fine if I wanted.. went to bed, she took some sleeping pills and fell asleep head on my chest. In the morning we had coffee, wached a movie and I left. Tried to kiss her when hugging her goodbye but felt like she was trying to avoid it so didn't go for it. Maybe not feeling good about her face and she was also really upset about not going to school and work that day.
And yes, her schedule is full of studying. Overheard her talking with her roommate about their schedule "yeah, 2 weeks from now there's 2 hour window to make this and that. Why did we take this project as we haven't got time to do the earlier stuff"
So that just might be a legit reason.
Every time we see, we have a really nice time together but seems to be difficult to make time to meet her. Now few days after same thing again. Little to no communication. Ie. when text messaging, she will not usually respond if I havent got a question like yesterday I congratulated her as she had a name day and asked if she was feeling better, she thanked and said her face was still swollen but still went to school and work. I flattered her about doing that and said I hoped she would be better soon but she didn't answer at all, no thanks etc. Didn't talk to her at all after that so got 1 SMS all day. Today I chatted with her on facebook for 3 minutes and then she had to continue studying.
I'm really struggling here to keep communication on with her. Yes I could do that.. call her, send more SMS's, try to ask her to meet me again etc. but I'm afraid of coming out needy but what is sure, she ain't making anything happen.
I'm really thinking of telling her that I really like her and would like to see her more often if she could arrange some time for me. Any better advice? It's really frustrating if I'm going to have to go on like this..
She knows she has you, so she's waiting for you to message her. Then when you do, she acts like she's busy...and she knows it's pulling you in deeper and deeper. Girls do this to get control and power over the relationship. So the question is...what do you do?
It's quite simple...you do the same thing to her. First off, if she doesn't text you first from this point forward she's not worth your time. So just be patient. Remember - patience is key. Think of it this way: she is interested in you and finds you attractive, however, she is not completely "feeling" it with you yet. So that frustration you're feeling with her right now....you really shouldn't feel that way. Instead of feeling frustrated, be confident that you will be the guy to make her really feel it with you. Next time she texts you, which I'm sure she will, wait a few hours to text her back and just tease her. Never mention anything about meeting up. Also...try to make it so she sends the last text to you...but make sure it's left on a good note where she's laughing so there's a positive vibe going on between you guys. Then wait for her to text you again....might take a few days or a week or whatever. But stand your ground and do it. This time around she'll probably mention something about how she's craving a certain food or wants to do this or that....which is a hint that she wants to do something with you. Don't immediately give in to her desires. Keep playing it cool with her and just say you like to do that as well. Keep playing this game with her until she actually initiates a meetup with you. If she says she wants to meet up that night, tell her you're busy and make sure you have a planned date to meet up. The goal is to not be an option in her eyes but a person she has to make a priority for. Once she makes you a priority, and not some guy she hangs out with when she's available, the power will begin to shift.
Yes, I'm quite aware of this concept. It's exactly what I have been doing to her earlier.. she had no time for me in the beginning and after ignoring her for weeks, she was all over the place wanting to come over. This was 10 months ago when we had really never met each other than when I was as a bouncer and she was a customer. Now she has taken the first real step towards me, we've slept 3 nights together in the past 3 weeks and she's still like before even thought there seems to be something more happening than just sleeping together. We never really had any text game nor we do have now. She has never texted me ANYTHING other than "we are coming over there this weekend, party?" or just have asked me to come out for a smoke when she was around. No game at all, no funny messages, nothing so I can't assume there would be any by just waiting. She doesn't use facebook that much and when she does, she usually has only 5-10min to chat. She isn't holding back or anything when I chat with her, she uses lots of emoticons and seem to enjoy talking with me but I struggle to end the conversation before she has to go. I usually end the conversation when I can sence she has to go or there's even a slight pause where we can't figure out what to say, randomly even a minute after starting conversation.
So this gives me very little to continue from. If I don't text her, I'm 100% sure she won't text me. Ignoring on facebook will propably get some reaction out of her in a week or two but that might mean complete silence for weeks and right now when I have slept several nights with her after 10 months of ignoring and pretty much nothing happening other than drinking together every now and then, I think I should act (emotional momentum). So after we spent a night together for the first time in the same bed 3 weeks ago, she hasn't suggested once to meet me. After that she has agreed once (have asked twice, didn't come to see Pendulum with me "because her friends didn't want to come") to party with me, we ended up having sex, she has agreed once (have asked twice) to see me (last sunday) and I stayed over night. Once she said she didn't have time the whole week and I AFC'd saying if she could let me know when she has time. Can't see that happening. So around 50% of times I suggest to meet her, she's ok with it.
Any other input? Should I just stay cool and let her come to me which also may make her just think I'm not interested as she really does not make almost any moves and seems like a girl who wants men to make all moves and decisions? I know there was IOI's way before now but I just didn't realize those and didn't act. Or should I ie. send an AFC txt about liking her and wanting to spend more time with her?
What kind of a girl is this? Party type? Studious type? It could be she's a huge nerd at school but seems like a "party girl" when she's out and about. Considering the fact that you're a bouncer, there could be a number of things going on here.
1.) Because you're part of the "club" crowd, she probably only shows one side of her personality to you: the party side. You are pegged into the category of people she parties with, but she's not letting you in any further than that.
2.) She may think that because you're a bouncer, you have tons of girls around you at all times, and are not interested in her for more than a good time and sex. Thus, she only communicates with you when she wants to get drunk or have sex. That way, she doesn't risk getting attached and getting hurt. This may also involve low self-esteem if she doesn't think a guy with options would want to actually have a relationship with her.
3.) Alternatively, if she's into intellectual guys at school, she may think that the two of you don't have that much in common aside from drinking and sex. Have you ever had a deep conversation with her? Or "clicked" with her at any level beyond the sex?
Most of the guys I have met in clubs, including staff, never made it to "boyfriend" level. You party with them, have fun with them, but because you met them in a bar, there is an automatic guard up that prevents further progression, at least for me. It could be that she's attracted to your status as a bouncer, but once you get down to "human" level, she simply won't see you the same way.
I'm not really sure how you can get out of this zone though. One way would be to befriend her social circle so that you become one of the "in" crowd. If the two of you hang out with the same people, you'll have more chance to see her and if her friends like you, they'll encourage her to date you as well.
Yes, this assuming that she's not genuinely busy, which by all accounts is not the case here. It seems she IS busy with studies etc.
Originally Posted by nomorebs
Hmm. I think this depends on the woman, her savvy, her age etc. I also think it depends on what the man wants her for, ie a FB or something more. It's actually the male role to lead the process. If what you want to set up is a string of women clamouring for your attention, then this approach is fine. The only women it will attract, of course, are the non-savvy, low self esteem types, in the main. Any woman who has any brains, self respect or self esteem and/OR who wants something more than just to get laid, will not go chasing a man by text because she knows that that's HIS job.
Originally Posted by nomorebs
This I agree with. At the moment it seems a bit like you ARE an option for her when she's up for it and feels like partying. But my gut tells me a different balance from the full PUA thing is required with this girl. She has seen you 'disappear' before and has, indeed, contacted you after a stretch, but from what you say it's when something distinct is going on, rather than just general chit chat.
Originally Posted by nomorebs
I think you DO need to be 'cooler' with her when she contacts you and not be so available and/or not push so much for a meet up when there is contact. It's quite possible that she takes you for granted a bit, ie she knows you like her, she knows you'll be happy to meet up when she offers that and the rest of the time she's a bit nonchalant.
Re the contact, if you want to test it, do as nomorebs has suggested and see how long it goes on without any contact from her. There's really only one way to know and that's to cut off contact for a good stretch of time. Patience IS key, but not only from the sense of potentially getting what you want, but also from telling you what you need to know. In other words, if there's no contact from her or her behaviour doesn't change at all towards you, then you know that approach is not going to 'work'. So give it a go.
If you don't hear from her in a month or so, then engage in general, spasmodic communication with her on Facebook etc., so that you're still around, but don't push for a meet up, don't be immediately available if she spontaneously asks for one. Stay friendly, fun, sexy, but a bit elusive. Intrigue her, in other words.
she's something in between of party and studious type. Takes her studying seriously but goes out every weekend.
I haven't worked for months at the bar she uses to go to. And she has showed other sides when being alone with her in bed, we have talked more serious stuff and I feel I know here much better than before when it was all about partying.
Originally Posted by TheRogue
She knows I have lots of girls around me (at bars, also have lots of girls writing on my facebook wall, hearts, funny pics, teasing on my statuses etc.) so this might be true. This is why I would like to tell her that I'm interested in her more than just as a FB.
Originally Posted by TheRogue
Originally Posted by TheRogue
Her ex was nothing near an intellectual guy, but besides my bouncer job, I'm CEO in my own company and study mechanical engineering at university so I think I just might go for that intellectual guy to her. As I have already stated before, we feel really connected when together in bed, it's nothing like a one night stand or a FB. There's more to it than just the sex we had one time.
About bouncer status, as I said, I no longer work at the bar she goes to at her home town, I live 50 miles away and work at a totally different type of bar she would never go to and all the intimacy has occured while working there. About her social circle, I know her 2 best friends (and roommates) like me. They travel quite a lot and last time they came from Greece, they told me they were thinking that it would be great if I came along next time they were traveling. This was before any intimacy thought, they also told me I was welcome at their place anytime. As I worked 4 years at her local bar, we have lots of common friends and I'm quite popural amongst them. Few weeks ago when having a party (same night we had sex), we went to my ex work place, obviously all ex co-worker bouncers shaked hands, hugged me etc. Got tons of girls (ex customers and friends) coming over to hug and chat and I pretty much didn't even talk to her in the bar as I had friends hanging around me all evening. I have lots of friends at her town, but still don't go there just to hang out with them but I could obviously do that and just happen to be at the same bar to accidently bump into her.
Originally Posted by TheRogue
I think I'm going with you, Archeress. I'll test her (ignore) for 2-3 weeks, act cool and see if I get a reaction. If not, it's not going to work and I'll try being more straight forward.
Many thanks to you all giving me more perspective to the matter! I'll update when there's something to raport and discussion and other opinions are obviously welcome!
Ok I just couldn't wait anymore and wanted to end this no matter what the result was so after not hearing anything from her in 10 days, I texter her that I'm not into any games and would like to see her more often but can't figure out what she's thinking. Nothing more. She answered me "I like you and would like to see you, you're a great guy, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship. I would like to be your friend and get to know each other slowly, is this ok? "
Doesn't seem good, I'm not sure if it meant that she wants to take it easy and see where it goes or that she wants to be just friends.
EDIT: went forward and texted that I'm obviously not thinking that we have a relationship, I was thinking more like to take it easy and see if it takes us somewhere, she replied "something like that lets take it easy"
So I think I'm going to the right direction here and atleast know where I stand. Archeress was pretty much right. I texted back that we are in the same page and lets try to make some time to see each other. Still waiting for reply.
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