Discuss Managing jealousy at the Relationships within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; Managing jealousy
My girlfriend and I get along great. Its going to be a year ...
My girlfriend and I get along great. Its going to be a year soon, and everything is peachy. Like almost all men I can get a little jealous at times. I find my GF quite attractive, and since most organisms with testicles think alike, many other men do as well, and she gets attention. I understand there is no sign that says " taken" on her so it doesnt bother me, she mentions me, or they see me come sit next to her they get the picture. She was fairly promiscuous in her day, which does not bother me much, this isnt Victorian England women are free to sleep around as men do. However lately theres been a wave of things I just dont like. We've hung out with a guy " Atticus" ( name change obv) a few times before and only when she was drunk did she admit to sleeping with him before( again not very upset) now she hangs outside and talks to our new neighbor, speaks to him about their career which are similar , and only recently did she mention her getting " sloppy seconds" with him when they were younger after her friend dated him. I dont feel threatened per se , our relationship is strong; however, I can't help but hate this guy. Maybe jealousy isnt the right word, but it enrages me to think that he probably thinks about their sexual encounter everything they speak together ( I know I would) and he fucking lives next door. How do you keep your emotion in check?
From my experience, this shit killed my last relationship. Don't really have much advice here, cause I wasn't able to stop that mentality.
My forecast is that this relationship is doomed, you either move away or move on.. If you're anything like me, this retroactive jelousy will get worse. I wouldn't talk to her about it, because their is not much you can do.
I wouldn't bother focusing on the past or the future, the present is the only important thing. Usually as humans we make things seem much more worse if we place them in the past tense or future sense.
I wish you the best, and if you manage to get over it, send me a PM
Although it seems like her past is coming back to haunt you guys more than most girls' pasts would, it's still just jealousy man, you've gotta tell yourself that.
Ask yourself this: Has she ever cheated on any of her past boyfriends? That's usually a base I cover fairly early on in a relationship, because it's something important to know and if you bring it up too late they think you're suspicious of them. If yes, then yeah your jealousy has some basing even though you can't hold a girl's past over her, it's reason to be wary. If no, CHILL!
When you see guys hitting on your gf, tell yourself "She's sleeping with me, flirting is harmless, no matter what a guy says to her she's coming home with me". The worst thing you can do is interfere if it's not out of hand. If you're across the bar and your gf's getting hit on but the guy isn't being super touchy feely (a hand on the arm isn't a big deal), LEAVE HER BE! She will resent you if you go over and cut in. She's just having some fun.
Think about yourself. If you're a fairly successful PUA, hell even a unsuccessful PUA, wasn't a big part of the fun in the chase and just flirting with girls? Being able to do a little harmless flirting here and there while you're in a relationship is a big part of keeping it a healthy one, as long as no lines are crossed.
The ONLY time I would let myself react to jealousy is if I see a guy blatantly trying to get with my girlfriend, pulling her in close, whispering in her ear, etc. In this case it's best to walk over, maybe put your arm around her, hell, maybe even a little kiss on the cheek if you really wanna get your point across, then make eye contact with the guy, smile, and just casually say what's up and have your girlfriend introduce you.
If she's worthwhile this guy was probably making her uncomfortable, or at the very least she knows why you're stepping in, and she'll gladly do that for you.
Personally, a good remedy for me was going out sarging and taking it as far as comfort building or at least fun banter. It gave me a refreshing reminder that, like the last girl I called a girlfriend, I too have options. I had no intention of closing. Just needed to talk to other females. To each their own.
You can also hang out with female friends. If they're attractive, this will also remind her that you have options. But it's cool having more than one woman in your life who isn't a relative anyway. You can call on them for advice on shit like this. Your girlfriend may feel included to qualify herself even though you two are together if she sees other women enjoy your company. This is not an act of spite, just a healthy way to balance your own head. Remembering there are other vaginas out there calms the dreaded "Oneitis" and lets you have a normal monogamous relationship.
It's also a little odd that she feels inclined to recite her sexual past, putting a face to the names you never really want or need to hear anyway. Most people understand their past is their past. If she continues to identify people as past fucks, call her out on it. It's not appropriate behavior IMO. Nevertheless, jealousy is not the remedy. Communication is.
"Win the crowd and you will win your freedom." - Oliver Reed/Gladiator (2000)
This is your test to see how cool you can really be with it.
Do you really not care about her promiscuity? REALLLLLLY???
Guys can of course be around people they have slept with without thinking about it, so can girls. But can current bfs and gfs? That's a lot harder.
You are projecting feelings onto him that he probably isn't even feeling and you're starting to hate him for feeling a way he probably isn't Confusing enough? Good, its ok.
You're either cool with her past, and I don't mean when its buried and not in your face, or you aren't. That's the end of it all.
I roll like this: I wasn't a virgin coming in and neither was she. I am confident in myself and why my girl wants to be with me. If she cheats, it's done, no need for long discussions. I understand that guys are going to hit on my girl cuz she's hot but I know she's with me and if that ever changes then so be it, but I will never fear that day because I have options too. As long as my girl respects me and conducts herself in a way that's appropriate when going out, whether I'm there or not, then I'm not going to concern myself too much with her past.
However, next door hmmm, that might give me some pause if for no other reason than it's just a little too often of a reminder.
i always try to think this way: shes my girlfriend, and no matter how many guys find her attractive and tryna hit on her, im the one banging her. and im the one with who shes more happy than she ever was in her life.
but i can understand you.. cuz thats just what i tryna tell myself, often, especially when i think bout her and her ex i get a bit jealous and insecure.. idk why. theres no reason therefore but i just do.. i hate that feeling tho.
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