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Discuss GF wants a poker night w/mixed group of old friends and fuck buddies at the Relationships within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; Originally Posted by hataplaya live in gf (marriage plans) was secretive on facebook the other ...
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    Quote Originally Posted by hataplaya View Post
    live in gf (marriage plans) was secretive on facebook the other night.
    Long ago, I dated a recovering alcoholic; 25 years sober; active AA member; sponsor to two other individuals; talked to his sponsor regularly. After our 3rd break up, I started going to Al-Anon... found out many recovering addicts (pick one) are very secretive because internally, they are very insecure people, very selfish people, and very anxious. In Al-Anon we never discussed the alcoholic we talked about our situations and how the steps could help us with where we were at; we also never judged what the alcoholic did or did not do; only how we handled the situation.

    YOU have handled this extremely well. YOU have chosen to make your needs and wants known. SHE has chosen to do something that makes you uncomfortable.

    Now, you have to decide how to handle it. When someone disrespects your wants and your needs that are valid concerns (she is going to be around guys she used to have 3-somes with), you need to decide 1) is this really the girl you want to marry? 2) how far you willing to sacrifice your wants and needs to keep her around?

    Because, obviously, she is not respecting you enough to stop from going. I can understand how you are thinking of dumping her. My only suggestion is to make sure in your head you are clear that she violated your wants and needs here, not that there is anything else. That way, when she comes back to deflect, project, and blame you (typical addict behavior) you can easily - if only in your head - remain steadfast in that she was the one who did not respect you.

    This sucks for you, and I feel for you...



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    Man tough place you've found yourself in. The relationship shouldn't be thrown out because of this, but at the same time, it is safe to say this would make any man uncomfortable.

    Has she ever given you a reason not too trust her?

    If she does not change the fact she hangs out with this guy, will you be ok with that? Even after she is your wife and mother of your children?

    Do you care if she has done more stuff with someone else than you, was her "ego" counter-arguement valid? More importantly is that also causing problems, or is she just going to bring this up in every arguement?
    theattractionforums.com/relationships/145617-why-your-relationship-sucks
    theattractionforums.com/relationships/153112-insecurity-lack-trust-cheating-relationship
    theattractionforums.com/general-discussion/153452-how-properly-use-kino-read-comment

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    Well, she didn't go. It got late and she said, "Looks like I missed poker. I'll just go next time."

    I don’t know if she was trying to get a reaction out of me or not, but I did not respond to her comment. We wound up talking about something else, fucking and going to sleep holding each other.

    She posted a bunch of stuff about how she loves me on my facebook that night. Lesson: Make your boundaries clear and stand firm, but give her the space to violate your boundaries.


    Sent from my SCH-I510 using Tapatalk

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    I liken it to:

    give them enough rope to hang themselves, or to keep themselves tethered to the one they love.

    True colors always show; stripes on a Tiger will never change. Good for you for making your boundaries clear!

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    It's good to have separate interests, but if she and her ex had drinking problems, it has a lot of potential for relapse. I don't get why she would be at AA meetings with an ex if they were enabling each other, and doing things she might not have done if she hadn't been an addict.

    In a way, her being a presence in her life is preventing him from moving on, and in a way, they still have a relationship, even though it's platonic. He'll take when he can get I guess. It's not just about sexual tension though. That's a fleeting thing. He's reassured she's still in his life.

    I'd still consider dumping her, even if you feel it's going to lead her to get back into drinking. How do you maintain a LTR with someone that you'd be worried is going to relapse into her old ways?

    Maybe she feels she can keep him in line, and deals with the inappropriate behavior in her own way.

    This whole week to week thing is going to wear on your nerves, esp. the whole "you don't understand" excuse like you're a fucking outsider to her club of dysfunctional friends, and like you said, when you told her to have a good time, she messed up.

    You have to remember addicts justify every damn thing they do, including to themselves.

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    Quote Originally Posted by sdnightfly View Post
    You have to remember addicts justify every damn thing they do, including to themselves.
    +1x100,000...

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    Well done for holding your ground.

    I dated a girl who is training to be a social worker. Her specialty? Addictions. The only difference between a good social worker and a recovering alcoholic/drug user is that one has their head together and the other doesn't. She justified every damn thing she did, including to herself. It annoyed the shit out of me so much that I had to end the relationship. There's more to this, but you get my point.

    Glad to see you got a good lesson out of this. I'd keep my eyes and ears up for a next time, but like someone said, tolerance only has one end and it never bodes well for you.

    Ibrox

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