I feel like I'm losing myself in my relationship and my GF

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  1. #1
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    I feel like I'm losing myself in my relationship and my GF

    We have been together for a year, I used to work really long hours (14-16+) until I got laid off.

    While I was still working, she always missed me, would always be so excited to see me. Since then we moved in together and now we hang out a lot, I have my own business now, but business is slow. So during the weekends, we hang out all the time.

    I feel like I have slowly gone from a confident 25 year old guy that got lucky with a beautiful girlfriend to a beta pussy that misses his girlfriend if she has a work dinner and comes home late.

    I went through two injuries during the year, so I stopped working out which I think might have depressed me a little. But I would like to keep my girl around for a long time, the way we click on a number of levels is incredible.

    I was hoping on advice on what to do, I feel like I'm "not myself" just by the very fact that I'm writing this!

    I am finally working out again daily, and starting to work on rekindling my friendships that I put on the back burner because I was so head over heels for her. I still am, but I want her to long for me, and miss me, and pounce on me like she used to. And I think the best way to do it, is to find more things to do so we're not spending time together from the moment she is off of work till she goes to bed.


    And like another thread that someone wrote about trying to be the "perfect" boyfriend that is how I feel sometimes. I might avoid hanging out or doing something in order to try to help out my girl or do something surprising or fun, or even taking care of chores for her.


    The other night I was trying to initiate sex, and she was too tired and went to sleep. Then in the morning she made a joke about how she was very sleepy at night, and I will probably lift better in the gym since we didnt' have sex.

    We never argue though, we get along great, we have fun all the time, I guess I am hoping for some advice on finding myself, and getting my girl to have her own stuff too, and for her to miss me.

    Thank you, and sorry for the essay..



  2. #2
    Vapor is offline Administrator Emeritus
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    Find shit to do that doesn't involve your GF. I have been in your shoes, and now I'm too busy to be in them.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by big_k View Post
    Since then we moved in together
    Theres an attraction killer....

    to a beta pussy that misses his girlfriend if she has a work dinner and comes home late.
    You dont have enough other things in your life and you are relying on her to fill the missing pieces.

    I was hoping on advice on what to do, I feel like I'm "not myself" just by the very fact that I'm writing this!
    You sound very self doubting/pity like. Get out of this and start being productive. A woman can only grow as much as her leader of a man allows her, so take pride in taking care of yourself (ie. gym). Get plenty of other hobbies, and a vision which leaves her anywhere but your no.1 priority in life.

    I want her to long for me, and miss me, and pounce on me like she used to.
    You see her every day during lifes boring monotomous tasks, why would she long for you? See what moving in together does?

    I might avoid hanging out or doing something in order to try to help out my girl or do something surprising or fun, or even taking care of chores for her.
    Yuck, making her your life priority. You should be a high speed train that she can choose to be on or off. Instead you stop at the station to make sure shes alright. Conciously she is grateful, subconciously she wants a leader that has other things in his life (more important than her) that makes him attractive. You are supplicating.

    The other night I was trying to initiate sex, and she was too tired and went to sleep. Then in the morning she made a joke about how she was very sleepy at night, and I will probably lift better in the gym since we didnt' have sex.
    She went to sleep/refused you sex and you did nothing about it? Terrible sign, and a womans power card. F*** her properly and dont continue to let her have the power (which is what she has since sex is so important to men). This needs to suit your personality (which is why consistent good framing is important from an early stage), but you should have rocked her world and made her cum when she made that comment in the morning. By letting her say it and nothing else you have completely failed the test. Getting more beta -> less attractive to her.


    We never argue though
    Boring/lacking giving her a range of emotions -> lost attraction. Sometimes women are horniest when they are angry... which is why make up sex is often great, hot and passionate.

    Your relationship is already screwed. It is possible to prolong it by changing your frame, becoming more dominant/leaderlike and reinforcing it with your reactions to the resistant/test she fires back in return. But (for the 100th time of saying it) you arent in a place to make that change well enough. No doubt you have a fear of loss, ironically that has killed your relationship. You can stretch it out and be half happy for a while, but denial will only bring pain later.

    GL

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    big_k -- Congratulations!

    You are recognizing this problem before it has ended your relationship. You are in a great position to make changes now that will strengthen you as a person and also, as a consequence, strengthen your relationship.

    I've joined a Man's Fraternity (http://www.mensfraternity.com/) and in just two weeks, it's really had an impact, pulling me back from a similar situation where I had let myself go stale and come to view myself too much through the lens of my relationship. The benefit of a fellowship like this is that it connects you with your purpose as a man. I find it in many ways similar to the Deida books but less mystical. The current season we are doing is called "The Great Adventure" and is focused on identifying your mission in three different areas -- relationship, noble calling, and "man-sized adventures" (think of masculine personal challenges) -- and making sure you have the friendships and other resources to achieve them.

    One thing you cannot ever do is find your value, significance, or meaning in your relationship. It has to come from outside of that. The purpose of your relationship is to radiate masculine energy onto the woman, not to consume hers. Good women get suffocated by men who need them and by men who lack purpose.

    Apart from joining a men's group, here are some other things you can do:

    - exercise with other guys
    - make time for your own group of friends (do man things, not boy things)
    - make sure your friends are high quality people of character -- surround yourself with the best people
    - make time for your hobbies, especially man hobbies like hunting, racing cars, etc.
    - set some challenges in your life, be they physical (triathalon), mental (learn a language), spiritual, or whatever else
    - do volunteer work, especially at orphanages and at nursing homes
    - read good books on relationships (Don't necessarily share this with your GF, she could think it's girly, but read up and see if you can identify any areas where you are failing to meet her needs.)
    - contribute to these boards (by mentoring other dudes, you can begin to see where some of the main problems are)

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    You're doing what you can to turn your life around. It could be a really slow turnaround, and she might take a while turning how she feels about you around.

    Look into spending a few days out of the apartment and doing your own thing, maybe visiting your family, but something that doesn't raise red flags that you're going to be up to no good.

    I agree that moving in together can kill the romance. Usually you want to take a couple of years where you're spending a lot of time at each others' place, and know each other really well. You've done your part in catering to her needs. Just remember - you can always leave and so can she. All you have is a lease keeping you under the same roof.

    Sometimes you just need to give each other space and do your own thing.

    Hard to say whether or not the relationship is in danger, but it has hit a bump.

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    I agree with many of the posts and want to reaffirm and sympathise your position, I currently don't have much work on at the moment and find myself constantly thinking about my girlfriend. I always try to refrain from being needy and texting her. So What I've done is forced myself to commit to other things.. For example, weekend sports are great! join a soccer, football or whatever team. You'll get that fitness up, when your playing she'll be wishing she was with you instead of you with your mates and you'll get many fond stories to share with her. Trust me girls love a good story especially when framed well. On top of all that after training or after a game you'll realise that for the whole hour you never thought about her once. You'll go drinking with the boys and eventually it will lead to a good social circle of mates.

    So basically you have moved in with your gf you've shown you can commit to her, now commit to something else, but if you go join the army maybe your taking my advice a bit too far. Get a hobby women!!!! Don't make your women your hobby!

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