Discuss GF wants space LDR at the Relationships within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; GF wants space LDR
My girlfriend of a very LDR has been distant and unenthusiastic ...
GF wants space LDR
My girlfriend of a very LDR has been distant and unenthusiastic for a while since I stayed with her for a month in the US. I was told through a friend of a friend tonight that she says I am moving things too fast and getting too serious. After I stupidly sent her quite a few lines over Skype IM (before I got told) saying that I was there for her and she should lean on me more (she has very stressful nursing school), I sent the following to try and rescuse any disaster since her and her friends were probably discussing the IMs;
"the more i think about it the more you should concentrate on ur work n we shud hold bk a bit, we dont need to move fast. Im seeing my dad 2moro so il spk2u in a couple of days"
"i think that might be a good idea. i feel like i have so much to juggle at the moment. im just feeling overwhelmed i think".
So what now? Obviously I will hold back on any talks about the future, step back for a couple of days. Do I wait for her to contact me? I know about all the living your life stuff and not making your gf the centre of your life....
She is meant to be coming here just before new years. Whenever I have mentioned it she says she feels pressured and any responses about it when mentioned have been vague. When I did ask her if she was still coming she has always said yes. Do I ignore this subject for a while? She has a hard time getting her feelings across and I doubt her drive to get the tickets booked with school in the way and her having to get the money for the flights from her parents (they have already agreed, and she is 24 in case i am making her sound younger)
Another thing that has bothered me is I asked her a few times (not a lot) how she felt things are between us, and that if she wanted more space for work that was fine (she gets up after me and so always initates contact daily by phone/skype). She has always things are okay and she has trouble talking about these things openly. But why would she say to her friends that things are moving too fast without any problems and not be able to say it to me? We have never had an argument and I am always understanding. She was the one who kept things moving fast early on as she came back to see me straight away and spent a month with me in the UK not long after, having the time of her life and talking about being able to live there. How can you have a healthy relationship when its a guessing game?
I know some people may say get rid or there are better options. But I have realised my mistakes when I seen her in person (hard situation relying on the girl when you stay with her for a month) and I look forward to sorting that out if I see her in Dec. If I dont see her, it would pretty much be over and she would know that. I want to try until then
Any help much appreciated
Pick up some literature on relationship management. Savoy has something I'm not familiar with, but I'm sure its good. David Deida is the man when it comes to relationship managment from a spiritual perspective, Chloe Madanes for a more structured approach (if you're a very cerebral person), you're not talking a $12 investment on eBay or Amazon, its worth it. Try the Way of the Superior Man, its inexpensive.
She feels smothered so she is seeking freedom, its fine, pull back a bit, she'll come to you. Its the job of the woman to pursue intimacy, not the man...in LDRs its very hard to maintain a truly bipolar (proper) relationship.
You've likely become too much of a 'friend' to her and its affected the polarity (attraction).
Last edited by D3tail; 11-02-2010 at 06:29 AM.
Reason: too much ownage
I would also ease up on asking about the relationship itself. If she's the introvertes type she may feel that you are pressuring her = needy and that you are trying to force the relationship in a unwanted path. I'd lay low, let her miss you, the intimacy and the support you provide. Right now you're a too available product and not a deliacacy to be enjoyed. I been through this alot in the past, so goodluck bro!
thanks for the replies
I know iv been a beta idiot in askng her how she feels, and about the relationship etc, its a pity there is no way of saying i know iv been acting like an idiot and it wont be happening now, but there cant be a good way of saying that and i have to show it in actions rather than words.
i got slated by another PUA for saying 'we dont need to know so fast', as if its beta and telling her im a pussy and that she can control how fast things go.
D3tail, book ordered
yeah, you just have to do it. It really doesn't take 48 hours to change the dynamic of a relationship if you can manage to alter your frame. Its easier than most people make it out to be. Reading relationship books gives you good referenes to allow yourself to change.
Ive done a bit of soul searching (so this is no lie), reading and im thinkin of saying this to her after she initiates contact, tho not necessarily in a text message or as some speech;
(being carfeful not to apologise for being a bitch)
"iv always been known as the strong 1 that doesnt give away emotions, i exist to make u wet and f*ck u til u scream.... id rather let ur friends help with ur emotional side. i always got bugged in my old relationships about the future n gettin serious whereas i always wanted to live for the present, thats how u see it and thats how it should be"
That's probably a bit too much, just dial down the neediness, that's all you need to do.
Little update, we had a talk about things yesterday. I felt I needed to tell her some things to get them out of the way one last time to address the issues we had before. Whether this is a mistake or not, I framed it very different to normal, not asking how she felt about things or if shes okay... There wont be any more talks of this nature it was key for me to pave for a new frame. I pointed out to her that if this becomes clear it isnt working then it would have to end, so she knows i am prepared to walk away.
Anyway, her concerns; (not requested by me)
She started it with the "i do like u, i like u a lot obviously, I just..." which obviously means she is questioning the whole thing....
1. When we started this she thought it would be easier with the distance thing, allowing her to worry about everything else in her life. But she constantly feels like it adds to her worries, using the example that she has to think about when to divert from seeing her friends or doing other stuff to make time to talk to me. I told her I'm a busy boy at the moment and it doesnt matter if we dont talk every day. She responded by asking what sort of relationship it is when you dont talk regularly, its already hard enough with the different time zones..she also talked about having it go through her head to have to take more time out to visit here or whatever, ie 'what if my family are having a holiday and i have to fit all these committments in to not overlap. I told her there isnt any rush to book tickets, just think about that when your school is finished (mid dec). She also tells me she is a completely different person when in school to out
2. She also talked about not wanting to live with someone else at this stage, and when we see eachother that is exactly the situation we are in (obviously my poor game when I stayed with her for a month influenced this, before i went she told me to stay as long as possible).
I aim to get to the stage where she comes here next, so I can work a revitalised game in person. Im not sure if her responses above are good. Im sure now she realises there is less pressure on her with regards to her thinking i want to move fast or have to talk all the time. Any advice on the very fine line between giving her space and her moving away from the whole thing and giving up on it? I made a LOT of mistakes in the past (constantly talking about her coming here, asking her about 'us' etc), hopefully the absense of any of these things that bug her will mean she enjoys interactions more, is it likely she will begin to miss and will come to me? She has never been flaking on contacting me every day, so thats not the issue. Other sources tell me to give her the discomfort she hasnt got, but I think this would have to be mild or it will just tip her over the edge. Obv now there will be no neediness from me, no pressue, no questions etc.
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