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I've been exlusive with a girl for about a month. ...
Get Her To Quit Smoking!
I've been exlusive with a girl for about a month. She is a smoker and I want to get her to quit, even though I'm probably totally enabling her right now, she knows I don't like it. When we are at her place or a bar, I will go outside with her when she has a smoke to keep her company and sometimes when I've been drinking, I will even take a drag or two. But the fact is I do judge her for smoking, and would feel better about her if she could quit. I was an athlete in school as were most of my guy friends. We are all put off by smokers/ ppl with unhealthy lifestyles, because it goes against the basic principle of taking care of ourselves/our bodies which we have spent years committing to- and understand deeply the value of (performance-wise, physically, psychologically etc)- so I even feel embarassed of her being my girlfriend when she lights up around my friends, cuz I know they are judging her too.
We were once walking somewhere and she lit up and told me " You would tell me if my smoking was ever bothering you right?" It was a kind of stupid question, because we had our first fight about this issue probably 8 weeks ago when we were just dating casually. I had commented to her to about it when she was sort of drunk and basically chain smoking at a party and she got very defensive and mad at me. I responded by telling her she would probably smoke her whole life because she lacked the self-discipline to quit (bad move), she told me "Why would I want to quit? So I could be good enough for you? I'll pass" and then basicaly kept a cigarette in her hand every minute over the next hour to spite me. (It didn't make me upset, I just felt embarassed about her). This time, I lied and said "yeah its not that bad... at least you dont smoke in your apartment". The truth is every time she lights up it bothers me. Every time she asks me to come outside with her it annoys me. I think she raised the subject the last time cuz she knows my feelings (generally) and is sensitive about it. She said without any prompting on my part that she is going to see her family in 2 weekends, and since they dont know she smokes that might be a good time for her to try quitting, since she wont be able to smoke that weekend anyways. I casually agreed that would make sense, but I don't believe her. I know it's hard to quit and she has tried and failed before.
Is there a good way of encouraging her/influencing her to quit smoking that you guys know about? I don't want her to feel judged or put her on the defensive again, which she is prone to anyways, so I want to be very mindful/strategic about how I deal with this situation. I'm not sure if just telling her how gross I find it, or refusing to keep her company when she goes outside will accomplish the encouragement to quit that she needs, however I can't go on with her smoking forever. It will eventually be a deal breaker in the relationship to me (although not now) and I think it's only fair to her and the relatiohship therefore that I try to work to get her to quit. I don't want to build resentment or make her feel bad about herself, I just really want to encourage her to quit. Do you guys have any thoughts about strategies/things to say that could be effective?
Thanks guys. (ps. I realize lately my posts are really long; I will try to write more concisely in future. Thanks for reading
Its completely up to her. If she truly wants to quit, then you have something to work with. If she doesn't care about quitting, you're wasting your time. It sounds to me like she doesn't care about quitting.
If she doesn't want to quit, she won't. If you even attempt to try to get her to quit smoking you are going to be kicked to the curb eventually (she will resent you). People don't want others changing them.
Accept it or move on.
I believe that she does care about quitting, why else would she talk about wanting to quit after she goes home to visit her family? Why else would she have attempted to quit so many times previously (before we were together)? I also think that knowing it effects our relationship might add to the motivation to quit that I believe she already has (independent of me).
Originally Posted by vibe3
My perspective is that she does want to, but it is an addiction and she is going to have trouble with doing what she wants for that reason. Just as no gambling addict wants to lose their house, after they already lost their car gambling; she doesn't want to keep smoking but she does, because she is addicted and can't help it. I want to help her if I can. Are you guys saying there is nothing I can do to help or motivate?
Actually I think it has the exact opposite effect. It adds stress and pressure to her quitting.
I also think that knowing it effects our relationship might add to the motivation to quit that I believe she already has (independent of me).
If you try and help or motivate her it is going to come across as her not being good enough, as a flaw, etc. Like she already said before, "Why would I want to quit? So I could be good enough for you? I'll pass". She has to quit on her own. If she explicitly comes to you and asks for your help, then help.
If someone truly wants to quit they quit, they don't just say they want to quit. That's two different beasts.
Smokers never "Quit"
Originally Posted by krushd
They may quit for awhile, but the only ones that really quit for good are those that become totally disgusted with it once they quit and get their sense of smell back.
Even if she does quit, she is going to light up again anytime she has to deal with a really stressful situation.
Smoking is a very easy way for me to weed out women that I would never want anything to do with outside of a casual fuck.
Find yourself a non smoker... unless of course she is movie star hot, rich, or something along those lines.. lol
First of all:
IF SHE DOES NOT WANT TO QUIT, drop the idea. PERIOD. It's like dating fat chick and hoping to get her to lose weight. Never gonna happen.
IF SHE WANTS TO QUIT: get her Allen Carr's Easyway to Quit Smoking.
I have quit smoking using his video and audio program. It's not expensive. I haven't touched cigarette for entire year. I don't care for the cigarettes now, i never conciously think that I do not smoke anymore, and i don't "slip up" when i get drunk either. I had no withdrawal symptoms past 2nd day. The first two days were ok. I have been a smoker for 9 years before that. Previously, few years ago, i quit with WILL power but got back into smoking again. it does not work.
The trick with Allen Carr's system it mind-fucks you to believe that smoking serves no purpose to you. You change your perspective on cigarettes and "benefits" you get from smoking. THink of it as one large REFRAME on smoking.
Works like a charm.
Oh and my roommate smokes inside of my apt. and it does not make me want to smoke.
The ghost of pua's past.
you knew what you were getting into when you started dating her.
trying to get her to quit something she doesn't want to quit is only going to cause problems.
let your relationship problems be something other than that.
Krushd, I had MULTI YEAR RELATIONSHIP fall apart because of this issue, and I'm above average in the RM department.
If a girl not smoking is important to you, do not date a smoker. Screen them out before you get serious.
If you are already dating a girl who smokes, and want her to quit, and she wants to quit:
+1,000,000. My ex tried to quit for a long time, using medication, willpower, etc., and this is what finally did it for her.
Originally Posted by True Story
There are a few problems with your approach:
1. You are being a hypocrite. If you want her to quit, you can't smoke yourself, ever.
2. You talk to her about this when she's drunk.
3. You aren't consistent in your principles. You don't want to date a smoker, but you are dating a smoker.
4. She asks you if it bothers you and you lie.
I would pick up that book for her, and do it ASAP (the book doesn't say quit immediately). "You mentioned you wanted to quit for the trip, and I want to be supportive." Don't put pressure on her. On the other hand, you should be clear that it bothers you.
For yourself, this is the single most importing thing you can do: Decide today how long you would date this girl if she didn't quit smoking, and put that date on a calendar. Stick to it. It will be easy to let things drag because you're hopeful she'll change, when she really won't.
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