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I posted here about a month ago when my ...
Questions About Re-Initiating Contact With Ex
I posted here about a month ago when my girlfriend broke up with me. I'll give a brief summary of our relationship:
It's a long distance relationship and has been from the start. We were together for about 3 months, had sex and developed a surprisingly good physical intimacy despite the distance, every date we had was AMAZING and she would always say her love was strengthened after we went on a date (which wasn't too often because of the distance), and got along EXTREMELY WELL. Everything was amazing until the last week or so of our relationship where things got ugly and I became a total wuss constantly questioning her commitment among other things. Before that I was a total alpha around her, following love systems almost flawlessly and as far as LDR's go, ours was really good.
After we broke up, I made some VERY dumb mistakes and handled it about as badly as I could have... I don't know what I was thinking and regret it all; asked her why she's leaving over and over since I didn't feel like I got a good answer, asked her to come back many times, told her how amazing she is, used logic to try to get her back, and a bunch of other completely stupid stuff.
Anyway, I eventually got my head on straight and listened to the advice you guys gave me. Since then, she's texted me a few times and her friend called me once while she was hanging out with her. But every time I've handled it fairly well... either not responding at all or just a simple "leave me alone" type of response (not to the friend, but to her when the friend tried to put her on the phone).
I've still kept in contact with her friends to some extent... but it seems like they really don't want to talk to me much (probably cuz I showed my insecure side to them after the breakup even more than I did to her), and one of them keeps asking me about my dating life so I'm able to throw in a few good things that would probably help me out if they got passed along to my ex.
The next time I could see her again is in 3 months and I have a few questions about re-initiating contact. I don't think it's time to re-initiate yet, but I'd like to get these questions answered now so I'll be prepared when the time comes, which could be soon:
1) Should I re-initiate contact or should I let her do it? She still texts me fairly often, so it'd be pretty easy to wait for her to contact me again and instead of ignoring her, I'd actually talk to her.
2) When we broke up, she made it pretty clear that she still liked the physical stuff (but I know that was never the basis to our relationship, it was a lot deeper than that)... If she doesn't seem to want to get back together, should I still go on dates with her and make it sexual if she gives that as an option? I'm thinking it could help because we get along so well in person so going on dates would make her realize her love for me... but then again I don't want to let her have her cake and eat it too.
3) Maybe I just missed this in Savoy's post, but if things seem to be going well when I re-initiate, do I make the move or do I wait for her to do it? Because of the distance, asking her out on a casual date isn't practical for now but could be 3 months from now. So if I re-initiate soon, the only progress that can be made is following the love systems triad and asking her to be my gf again, but is that a good idea? (I think I already know your answer but I just want to check)
1 - let her do it
2 - before worrying about what she wants, what is it you want? Do you want her as a friend with benefits? To re-initiate? If the latter, she broke up with you; it's definitely on her to say or communicate that she wants to get back together
3 - i just remembered that you said long distance. are you sure you want this? anyway, if so, then if there's a reason why you could be in her town for reasons unrelated to her, and can casually mention to her friends that youll be in town, that gives her the opportunity if she wants to see you.
Also, doing the 'leave me alone' thing isn't great -- it shows that you're still affected by her, angry/insecure about the breakup, etc. Better than leave me alone would be Hey Michelle how are you? You sound great, awesome. Listen, [we're about to head out to fun event]/[my friend is cooking me dinner]/etc so I can't really talk now, but it great to hear from you. Take care!
There's a fun mixed message thing I've been exploring and will probably formalize it into a system at some point -- it involves more than normal of what could be taken as statements of interest, but combined with not doing anything at all to advance the relationship logistically. (If that last sentence doesn't make sense, read the Love Systems Triad...not the OP, I know you've read it)
There was this girl who would call me occasionally, and I'd tell her how great she was, be happy every time she called, etc., but I rarely called her and never actually asked her out. Finally, she broke down and started peppering every conversation with 'when are we getting together' -- this from the girl who was the total 9-10 ice queen when i met her at the club and getting the phone # and that first call was full of her testing me and trying to blow me off. So when you get to the point where she's desperate to see you, you get to call the shots. After she asked this a few times, I told her I happened to be free tonight and to come over. (And she's normally the spoil-me-take-me-to-dinner-etc kind of girl)
Love Systems President, Program Leader
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Hey thanks for your reply Savoy!
2 - I'd definitely like to be friends with benefits. But, I don't know if that's something I could emotionally handle. I've never had a friend with benefits before but I'm assuming it might be harder for me to let go of her as a high commitment relationship (which is my ultimate goal, to get her back as my girlfriend) if we proceeded in that kind of low commitment relationship mindset. So I'm not really sure. Have you ever had a girl you really love break up with you and still want to be friends with benefits? How did you handle it and how did it turn out?
The reason I would consider a friends with benefits situation with her (aside from the obvious reason) is because it'd allow me to spend time with her in a relationship-ish setting which might make her realize that we had a great thing going on and change her mind and want me as her boyfriend again. When we went out, it was awesome, there was no awkwardness, we both had fun, things went really well. It's only when we can't see each other in person that things go downhill.
Like I said, I want her to be my girlfriend again, so if friends with benefits would decrease my chances of that, then I don't want to do it. But if it would help my chances or not affect them one way or the other, then ya, I'd do it. So do you think it'd increase, decrease, or not affect my chances of getting her back as my girlfriend?
3 - Ya, I definitely really want this. I know that no girl is "special" or "different" but she has a personality unlike anything I've ever seen before, we get along so well for the most part, she brings out the best in me, and she's a 9-10 who takes good care of herself, definitely a girl I'd settle down with.
Her town is on my drive back home from college, so that's how I'm able to see her sorta often (whenever there's a break). So I could definitely go through her town and her friends already asked if I would hang out with them (and yes, she would be there) the next time I'm coming through. She also said she still wants to be friends after she broke up "cuz I'm fun to talk to" so I know she still wants to hang out in a group at the very least.
I'd love to hear more about the mixed message thing, is there anywhere that you've posted that in detail? You said it's not a finalized system yet, but anything about it would be helpful I'm sure.
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