Thread: i'm in no contact - could use some support

i'm struggling with not contacting my ex.

we broke up months ago and i've been minimising contact while we sorted out our house and stuff. that's all done now and i've been not contacting her for about two months.

she has contacted me a few times early on, saying 'i hope we can talk soon' and suchlike but any time we spoke she was always on a trajectory of not being with me.

she said she 'needs to do this' and by this i infer that she means move out and live in another suburb and not see me, since that is what happened so far. it was explained to me in chick speak which means that i think she has no idea what she is doing but that she is feeling like she needs to be somewhere else away from me.

all this was hard for me to accept since we had been together for a bit over seven years but it is how it is and i'm dealing with it. i honestly thought that we were in it for the long run and that had been my attitude from the start. not that i said as much to her, i just let it guide my actions and decisions.

she's also said to me before that she does want to be with me 'and have babies with' me (that's her exact words in quotes). I called her dad to get some closure and he said to me that she doesn't want a relationship with me in the future . when i mentioned that to her, she said 'my dad doesn't speak for me'

she contacted me about a week ago about a bill that needed paying. in the message she also said that she thinks about me a lot and that she was nervous about writing the message.

here's the link to my other thread, so i won't go into the details but that worked out my previous money issue well and i appreciate the advice everyone gave me. this forum really helped.

am i being a dick?

this one was written about a month after we broke up.

hang in there or give up?

what i'm struggling with is moving on. i really dig this lady. I know i can get other ladies, they hit on me often enough, but i just don't care. in fact it makes me sad when girls hit on me. i had a girl try to kiss me the other day and i just gave her the cheek.

i know that it has to be my choice to move on but it would really help me if she would just say that she doesn't want to be with me. i could accept that. All this 'i want to be with you but not now' crap is driving me nuts.

why put in the message that she thinks of me a lot? i think of her a lot but i don't write messages to her about it. I don't want to contact her because i know that will just make me feel worse and i'm looking for ways to get her out of my system.

I'm exersising and focusing on my career more, spending time with other people as much as possible. meditating too. it just plays on my mind that somehow she wants to be with me but can't make it work.

TL : DR struggling to move on after a relationship - don't feel like FTOW - need to get closure somehow

Sorry to hear that 7 years is an extremely long time.

anyways as hard as it'l be only time can heal situations like this. Being close to your social circle and family help you alot during these times.

I know the feeling you get when being hit on i went a full 12 months not sleeping with anyone and kissing two girls after my last LTR ended which was super painful. Tried dating, pick-up etc...finally i just snapped out of it.

Getting into another relationship is probably not a good thing tobe doing right now. TRUST ME! think of all the events you probably missed in your 20's and now that your single you'l get the chance todo things you couldn't do before. it's all about livin! take a trip, get out there and experience life to its fullest man im telling you! sometimes being single ain't half bad.

And Enjoy it while it lasts cause your next relationship could be your last so make the best of what you have now!

It's going to be a rollercoaster for a while. I'm into just over 3 months of NC with my ex LTR of 10 years+.

Last week was pretty bad. I was on a downer all week and was running through scripts in my head of opening contact. Actually visualising the conversations. I snapped out of it since then though and maintained my value. Our circumstances may differ but I hold my frame of "She's not worth my time" which seems to help most of the time.

Seems like your keeping yourself busy. As for closure, you may never get the full truth. I found out the hard way.

dude, it's hard. I was only with my ex for a year, and I'm struggling every day. My mood goes from calm to happy to hopeful over fucking other girls to reminiscing of her to sad to angry about the way she handled things etc etc. It's rough, but stick it out. STICK TO THE PLAN! I remember Stephane Hemon said: "You can choose to lose the girl, or you can choose to lose your self-respect." I would add to that: "but if you lose the latter, you'll lose former as well."

thanks guys, it helps to know that we're in this together.

i will stick to the plan

btw, from what I read about your situation, at least your girl has told you she misses you and wants to be with you. After a completely beta moment in which I completely caved and asked her to come back, she's messaged me a grand total of once in over three weeks. I doubt she even thinks of me, or cares anymore. I messed up pretty bad, and now I'm just hoping to follow Savoy 's rules and get better with women in general. I've accepted the fact that my chances of getting her back are below 50 %.

oh man, don't worry i've had my moments too. imagine me all teary and going "WHY???, like a CHUMP! haha

i'm sure if you spent a year with your girl that she does care for you and think of you. there's really no way that she wouldn't be thinking of you at least sometimes.

the thing is, it's up to us to be strong and get our lives in order. one monkey don't stop no show! since my split, i've been getting heaps fitter and training really well. Also i have a cool new job and i'm in line for an even better one.

my heart feels like a stone but at least i'm getting all the stuff done that i was putting off due to the drama and BS that was going on.

i really believe that line about not having a chance of getting her back until you don't want her back. so i'm working hard towards that.

hope you feel better soon

It's precisely because you feel like you need closure, that results in you not being able to let go. RC71 said it right... sometimes, closure just never happens. The willingness to let go comes from yourself.

I'm not a fan of busying oneself just so that I don't have to think about it, but it's a good temporary solution. Thing is, I see busying oneself as a form of escapism. You can run, but for how long? Eventually your feelings will catch up and you'll feel like shit.

That being said, I took the time to read your links, as well as this post. Sometimes, things just don't go our way. If she wants to go, I generally wouldn't stop her. I don't believe in forcing or convincing someone to stay. And I wouldn't take shit like my girl sexting. That's just wrong to me. The emotions are strong, especially for a 7-year relationship. (The most I've had was 3 years.) But if it's time to move on, it's time to move on.

yeah it is what it is. i don't really see how i could accept her in my life when she acts this way so it's time for me to do other things.

just going to have to take the loss on this one and learn from my mistakes i guess.

it would be really nice to avoid this in the future though so i'm going to read up on codependancy and just generally try to be more focussed on my own life instead of getting so caught up in relationship BS

I don't understand why you wouldn't have talked to her about getting married in the seven years you were together if that's what you were expecting. I think most women in their upper 20s feel the ticking biological time bomb and if they start to get the sense that their BF is not going to be their husband, then they mentally prepare themselves to move on before it's too late. From her frame, she is in a hurry now to move on and she is making logical, rational decisions, regardless of her feelings in the moment.

Personally, I don't think couples should stay together that long without getting married. It's a kind of pseudo-marriage relationship, and it would be better for the relationship to pony up to the real thing -- or if that's not going to happen, then end it -- about six years earlier than the seven year mark.

I don't think it's a good idea to involve her Dad in it. It crosses boundaries . Plus, if she did come back to you, do you think this would put him on your side? He's always going to be on her side -- she is Daddy's little girl.

I think you know this already, but -- if in seven years, you guys didn't get to the point where you were ready to settle down and get married, then whatever the issue was that prevented it is likely big and unresolvable.

I wouldn't give much credit to what she says that she still wants to have babies with you. If she wanted that, then get married - don't break up. I think it is female "noise" -- the froth of her current emotions.

About your NC situation, keep in mind, NC is for you -- to get your stuff together, to man up, to discover your purpose, to get centered, focused, dominant, and ready to lead. It is not an alarm clock after which you can run over to her, or a punishment technique to get her to react to you.

What are you doing in this period to work on inner game ?