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Hello guys. I have been a lurker until now, but a problem ...
Problems in LTR
Hello guys. I have been a lurker until now, but a problem has come up. I am currently in a 4 month exclussive LTR with a HB9. We're both 18 years old. We get along great, do stuff together a lot and regulary have sex. There is only one thing that bugs me: she has these friends in a city not far away and once in a while she goes to a party they're having. I have been there once, didn't like them much and don't feel like going there again. However, she still occasionally visits them alone and although she's not the only girl in there, she receives the most attention.
I know it's silly, but I sometimes get AFC moments because of this. She tells me how one guy or another tried to hit on her or even initiate physical contact, but she turned it down. She also tells me, that she had to sleep in one bed or couch with some guy, because there was no other place (with clothes on, separate sheets, back to back). I play it cool and joke about it like "he's lucky I wasn't there " or just ignore it completely, but deep inside I know I don't like it. One thing that makes me feel better about it is that there's a lot of drinking done there and most of those guys are somewhat nerdish virgins anyway. Should I somehow confront her on this or just deal with it in my head?
She has told me before that although she likes attention and is flirty by nature, she would never cheat on me or allow any serious physical contact to happen (by that I mean making out or worse). She also sees me as a player who gets lots of attention from females, but plays it cool. She once brought up that she isn't sure about my fidelity. I assured her that I do see other girls, but only as friends and never got seriously jealous since.
I would feel worse if there was a lot of drinking going on, because lots of alcohol makes you do crazy things.
Anyway, you must trust her and don't make an issue of it. If she is telling you about the guys that are hitting on her, play it cool and make it look like that it isn't a big deal for you.
Like you said, you get attention from girls, which makes her feel the same way, although she is playing it cool aswell it seems.
Whenever you get those AFC feelings just keep the mindset that if she cheats, it's her loss and she isn't LTR material. For now enjoy the attention you get from girls, don't cross your boundaries and if she cheats, move on to the next one.
Drinking could cause other guys to act with more courage, but this girl drinks with moderation and I trust she wouldn't do anything stupid.
I seems to me like it might be a jealousy game. Why else would she tell me in detail how some guy was trying to hit on her? She also emphasizes how she loves the attention in these situations, but I know that generally she is a pretty shy girl.
Anyways, thanks for your post. I appreciate the advice.
yea its good if shes telling you its if she wasnt and she became distant that would be a problem so looks o.k so far..if she cheats then she wasnt all that and in ten years you will probably see her on facebook with a normal boring life looking more average broke with 5 kids..
Man i had the same problem with my ex. She used to tell me about guys hitting on her at niteclubs and even supermarkets. It kind of felt as if she was trying to make me jealous. I just laughed it off at first but eventually it started to eat me up inside. I became quite jealous(and i'm not a jealous guy by nature) and i used to start just wanting to go to niteclubs with her just to ward off her 'admirers'. I became obsessed with the whole thing until eventually i flipped when i saw her talking to another guy. Its all a matter of trusting her and looking back i should have just trusted her cos she wasnt the cheating type. Confront her in a really casual manner about it cos i didnt and we split up cos of it!
She called me up today, we chatted for a min and then I said I have a free evening and I could come over when she gets home, because it's been a while and she must miss me like hell She said she's not sure about when she comes back and will probably be too tired anyway and I said ok, I'm gonna go there and there instead. But apparently she changed her mind and she's not too tired to stay there one more night. "I'll sleep alone, no worries" she said.
I find such behaviour quite rude. Just texted back "ok", but not sure if I should tolerate this shit. Two days in someone else's place without me, even though a party is going on, seems a bit much. Or maybe it's just me being immature and out of sorts. I never used to be this jealous previously and I generally find jealousy without solid reasons quite stupid. I guess I feel more offended than afraid of her cheating.
My current GF does this kind of shit too sometimes. I'm not sure why they do it, perhaps she is trying to make her look like higher value. Anyway, I always stay cool and laugh it off. She knows I get a lot of attention from other girls as well, but I'm not bragging about it.
Just keep the mindset that there are other girls around, and just go out yourself and have an awesome night, talking to girls etc. Nothing wrong with that.
The main problem I find is that when she is having a great time and you are home alone, simply doing nothing. Those situations can really fuck with your mind. So simply have a more awesome time than your GF and your mindset will be fixed and the jealousy will go away. That's the best remedy there is. In the meanwhile while you are having an awesometime, your GF will wonder how great your night was, increasing attraction towards you. Because she can also get mindfucks, thinking "I hope he doesn't meet a more attractive women than me" etc.
I still feel that I should confront her on this, but take it easy. Basically, I want to state clear that nor guys in her case, nor women in mine can just get onto you or into your bed after a party. These things are avoidable and if it's really nothing, she could make sure it doesn't happen. If anything, just for the sake of my peace of mind (not going to tell her that I'm worried, though). And if she is doing this, she clearly brings it onto herself. She then would have no other way but to explain her reasons. Either she is trying to get me jealous or she just can't keep her boundaries, in which case, as you said, she's not LTR material.
I suppose the best way to convey this message is by setting an example during my night out tonight and telling her about it later, when she asks. Or even making sure our mutual friends notice me and hopefully tell her about how I handle myself with other girls. What do you think?
dont worry about it, go out have fun while shes having fun. right now your just sitting around for her, while shes having a great time. go out, itll take your mind off of things as well, shell realize that you can go out to while shes away and tell her how these girls wouldnt leave you alone.
dont confront her about how you dont like it, shes going to party eventually and with hot gf's their going to get hit on, have a strong mindset and trust in her. If you have trust in her she should have trust in you.
"Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes." Oscar Wilde
Originally Posted by CMPitts
If you feel the need to bring up the issue then you need to bring up the issue. Tell her you don't want to be controlling but you're really just not comfortable with her behavior (be specific). Its not out of line for her to take an air mattress, etc...
Just compromise with her, it'll be cool. Think of creative solutions where you both feel like you won. Make sure she knows it isn't that you lack trust in her so much as just don't feel comfortable with the message it sends or its unfair to other guys who may want her and they think she leads them on.
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