Discuss Marry my Ex gf? How to get her back...? at the Relationships within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; Originally Posted by jcording
I forget how it came about, but in January I met ...
But its pretty true.
Originally Posted by jcording
I get that you're a smart guy and you logically realize that there may be a bit of 'grass is always greener on the other side' going on here, but you may be failing to understand just how much sway our subconscious has over our actions.
You weren't attracted to her because you knew you could have her...she gained her freedom from you by attaching to another man (in a way) and now that she's the freedom seeking one in your dyad you have developed the feminine end of that bipolar attraction by seeking intimacy. Your poles have shifted.
This is why you have to have space, to be seeking freedom, regain the masculine in your dyad and she will naturally adopt the feminine. She likes the chase yes, but what she really likes is the chasing...the being chased turns her off. She may think she likes it but her pursuing you is what really fulfillls her. Otherwise its just validation of self.
I agree about everything you just said. The subconscious swaying my actions... I just didn't know it was happening unitl it was far, far too late after many of the things I did and ways I acted. I thought I had a lot to gain by my efforts and that also loaded the stress and blurred my focus of what I was doing. The poles have def shifted as well, I see that for sure.
The chase part I agree to as well, but will have to get back to my confident, "alpha male" self until I can figure out how to get her attention and stay dominant doing it. Any thoughts or tips on improvment here would be appreciated.
Anyone have any advice on how to get her attention when she'll be in Dallas and I'll be in Houston? (granted I will wait until I think I am ready to do this) That will take some creativity. I do have plenty of friends to go visit in Dallas, but doubtful I would run into her randomly.
Interestingly enough, before I even sent out that first email to her I had already planned to visit a friend in Dallas with my best friend the same weekend she's supposed to move there. The 16th-18th of July.
They know. She'll know. Its funny that same question gets asked every time a guy goes through this. She'll know. As soon as any man is 'over' any girl she knows, lol. Don't ask me how. There's likely some sort of a meta-physical explanation that people wouldn't like here, beyond that you guys were together for a LONG time, she's going to check up on you and as she finds you're happy then maybe she takes a look inward to decide that she isn't and she'll only be happy with you.
It just happens that way. Don't get caught up in the how, that's the job of the universe. Yours is faith.
I have an ex gf who lives 7 hours away, and always has, never had any way of knowing what was going on with me, no same friends, nothing. More than a few times she's called right after I went on a date or was thinking about her. You just put it out and it gets picked up on.
I hate to admit but the only problem is that she's damn stubborn and proud, I don't know if she would allow herself to call me even if it were driving her crazy.
She once told me how hard it is not to respond to me when I do text or email... so I dunno.
Another question, anyone know anything about these downloadable make-up programs like "The Magic of Making Up"? Is this stuff just a waste of time/money? Or is there any helpful information in there?
Some of that stuff is good, some of it is garbage...mostly the latter. I'm not sure about that particular one.
She won't have a choice mate, emotions are greater than ego or logic. Think about all the times you did something you 'knew' was bad for you She probably is stubborn and proud (which can work in your favor as easily as against you here btw) but she's also an essentially emotional creature. Her material self can never compete with her soul. It is driving her crazy incidentally. She needs that validation, she'll contact you soon, and you can't be needy when she does.
How are you really gonna make up with her anyway if you aren't talking? If you do talk to her laugh about the way you behaved like you were temporarily insane.
If you're looking for some clarity I as well as a few others like a book by David Deida (and I'm getting sick of recommending it since I do so much) Called the Way of the Superior Man. It will offer you a great perspective that you can either reject or accept.
Savoy has a Relationship Management thing that's probably pretty good but I haven't read/watched it. I'm not sure that's what you need since you're talking about a girl who's had a bf for 8 months.
I hate to say this to you, but reading your thread, I am confident that you are not ready to be with her. And I am not one of those guys who always posts that you cannot get your ex back.
A few things stick out in my mind from your description:
- She craves security and you do not provide it. On a material level, you do not have your shit together. I'm sorry to say this, but it is true. You are bot in a position to provide for her (or for her children - which is a woman's biological imperative) -- she won't consider you as potential serious relationship material until you have a plan to provide for a family
- you are getting too much validation and direction from other people and from external status symbols like the MA program -- I'm sorry to say that I almost chortled when I read that you picked up all these alpha traits from hanging out with a bunch of car salesmen. Then when you went back to school, you lost it all. Then when she rejected you, you doubled down. Your confidence needs to come from your internal sense of direction.
- worst of all, from her view, it's clear you are getting your validation from whether she will consider being with you or not.
- you've tried to manipulate her -- inviting her over to get drunk with you and sleep together but no touching when she has a BF that she has told you she wants to stay together with is pretty low. If she did get it on with you, would that show that she is really the kind of woman you want? (If so, then WTF? Why? What exactly are your standards besides the fact that she is hot? Your primary attraction trigger for a wife should be her values, stability, and ability to raise your kids. After that, she should be good looking enough that you are turned on.)
- when she felt guilty about playing around with you, which is completely predictable, you doubled down deep into AFC territory -- chocolates and cards for an ex who just left your place without sleeping with you because she has a BF is lame. Then telling her you want to marry her is ultra-lame.
- as you progressed deep into neediness, your text and phone game started to suck. Stop texting her when she doesn't reply. Let her call you. Even if she always answers, you are still hurting your cause.
- you are misinterpreting what she says and what she feels. Liking the chase does not mean she wants you to try harder. She is not waiting for you to convince her of your love. The problem is NOT that she is so damn stubborn and proud. She wants to be vulnerable and feminine, just not with you.
- you are seeking easy solutions and tricks, but the problem here is lack of compatibility between you two, your desire to achieve a sense of stability by controlling another person, and the simple fact that you aren't ready to offer what this woman needs.
Instead of pursuing her, you should focus on understanding your purpose in life. You should remain unmarried for several years. During this time, you should date women, have girlfriends, and use this time to better understand women. You should probably date women who have a better sense of security than you do, not a girl from a broken home.
I can relate to the OP on this, my ex has demonstrated all the qualities I look for in a life partner, except for breaking up with me of course. Though I broke up with her first, and this has changed the course of our relationship to my realisation.
A major discovery, just found her dating profile, it's congruent with her true self, e.g. marriage is very important to her and her future partner...
What makes you know you want to marry her?
Originally Posted by kong88
“On the Road of Life, There's Always Another Bus”
Kong, tough to hear, but I can't argue with any of that.
I'm starting to think if I should even call in a month. Your explanation on the chase and her wanting to be vulnerable and feminine really help. I def did not understand what she meant and could not interperet her feelings at all... feel like I'm far behind on understanding what she needs
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