Discuss She says that she needs space, but now misses me. at the Relationships within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; She says that she needs space, but now misses me.
Hi guys, here is a ...
She says that she needs space, but now misses me.
Hi guys, here is a question about a very shitty situation that I found myself in. All of my friends, as well as my healthy reasoning, tell me to move on and get over it; however, deep inside I keep hoping that things will work out, which makes it hard for me to just move on.
So, I have been dating this girl for a little under a year. We met through this couple, who are good mutual friends of ours (he is my best friend, she is my (ex)girlfriends best friend), which probably somewhat accelerated our relationship, as we trusted each other right away, versus if we just met in the bar without any mutual background, if you know what i mean.
Anyway, things have been amazing until a month ago. We couldn't get enough of each other, spent a lot of time together, from hanging out in the coffeeshop, to going out, to traveling with our mutual friend couple, to going to gym together. The sex was amazing, and she kept telling me that it never felt so good with anyone; i felt the same way. Eventually, a few months ago, she told me that she was in love with me and said "please do don't hurt my feelings". Recently i said that i loved her too. We talked about moving in together next summer, about getting married and having kids...you get it, it was amazing. She even told me that she never felt this way about anyone before. I felt the same. Then about month ago, she begins acting cold and distant and starts avoiding me, and being a complete bitch to me when we would get together.
Now, this is the tricky part. Ever since I met her (and for a year prior to that), she lived with her ex. Their initial relationship lasted only a few months, and there was never much attraction - they just moved in from out of town (he was her rebound after her fiancee cheated on her), and stayed together for convenience and financial reasons, as she couldn't afford to move out on her own. And I knew what I was getting myself into from the get go - I assumed that there would be some awkward moments, so i just avoided meeting the guy, and never even came over. I never questioned that anything whatsoever was going on between them, and she kept telling me this whole time how much she hates him, and how she can't wait till he moves out, so that she does not have to deal with him. He, apparently, is an abusive asshole, and they argue all the time.
Anyway, I just found out last week that within the last month, on several occasions when she turned down hanging out with me, saying that she was sick/busy/sleeping, she was in fact out with him and his friends. This happened at about the same time when she became distant and would avoid me. I confronted her about this, and it took days of me pushing it for her to even admit that she was lying to me - she came up with multiple versions of her stories, to make it seem like she did not lie to me - but she did, and eventually admitted it. She also admitted to lying and avoiding me in order to spend more time with the ex who she lived with. So I broke up with her and said that i never wanted to see her again, since she cheated on me.
To make the long story short, she persistently called me, so over the next several days, we had several arguments/conversations. Basically, she said that she wanted to get back together with me and that she missed me; of course, I said no. She said that he has been such an asshole to her, and that she couldn't stand fighting all the time, that she just gave in , and decided to "play nice and make friends" until he moves out (which was supposed to be soon). She said that she feels amazing around me, and swears that there is nothing going on between them. She admitted that they do have history, even though it's a bad one, and that he has been very depressed and suicidal, and she just wanted to be there for him, and not "rock the boat" while they still lived together. She said that she was concerned for her safety with him, and wanted to make the living situation as smooth as possible, and needed space from me, in order to deal with it.
Anyway, even though it sounds sketchy, if she had told me directly that she needs to spend more time with him in order to fix that relationship so that they wouldn't argue all the time, I would probably understand. But why did she had to lie to me and push me away...I don't have to do anything with this. She said that in "his mind" he may still think that they were together, and didn't want to upset him until he moves away, since she was scared he would hurt her.
Any thoughts??? I know it sounds sketchy, and if this happened to someone else, I would tell the to move on. But I love her, and I know that there is a remote chance that she is telling the truth. Does she deserve some "space" for now, and a benefit of the doubt down the road, when she is living on her own and ready to commit to me 100%?
Again, she swears that there is nothing going on between them, even though I directly asked multiple times; I even said that it would be easier for me to know the truth, than to be lied to. She 100% denies it even after I pressured her a lot.
Also, a few months ago, we were joking about eloping (as in getting married) to some warm place on the beach. So yesterday, she sends me a text (this is two days after I broke up with her): "well, if you ever ever change your mind about me and want to elope to beach, let me know!"
It's going to be tough I know - but move on - you will be constantly agonising over her. I think you have to accept the fact that she had/has more feelings for this ex than you. Girls/women can be utterly merciless so ignore what she has said about needing space to help you - look at her actions rather than her words. Girls can lie like professionals.
Originally Posted by yebbacco
My opinion is YOU deserve space, YOU should tell her YOU are moving on and if she wants to join you then that's fine if not that's fine too.DO NOT give her an ultimatum. Stick by your words and move on - IF she has any feelings for you that ex will be dropped very quickly, if not then you know her true feelings. Remember she will reveal her true self by her ACTIONS
Thanks, I appreciate the reply. I told her that I do not hate her and that I forgive her. I said that when she gets her own place and knows what she wants form life, that she can call me and we'll talk.
Yeb, I can speak with authority on this since I have been in your situation a few times in my past. You my friend are getting fucked. And not the way you would like.
She has told you everything you need to know. You even know it, yet you don't really see it.
She has told you it's over with him but she lives with him. BULLSHIT, when it's over, she moves out, to a girlfriends couch if she has to. Lie #1.
Then she lies to you multiple times about being sick or whatever, when she's out with him.
Bye the way, he's not really an asshole, he's getting fucked with worse than you are, she fucking lives with him and is going out with you. Technically, YOU'RE the asshole. But not on purpose.
She even admitted to you that he may not know it's over. How the fuck is THAT possible if she told him it's over. Well, the simple answer is, she hasn't told him shit. He's still trying to keep his girlfriend. You ARE the asshole. But still, not on purpose.
So you're only question is this, "Is this the type of woman that you want to raise your children?" I suspect your answer is "NO", in which case, I feel for you bro. Just cause I pointed it out, doesn't make it any easier for you to end.
It's really an inner game issue. Are you worthy of a great woman, or should you settle for a bitch that will treat you like a bitch?
All I can offer you is my experience. I have tried to make this type of thing work. It has cost me 6 years of my life over 2 different women over a 10 year span. But boy, can I stop those crazy bitches now. No one has an better "crazy bitch" ejector seat than I do.
Aggh, I know I need to drop her and move on, it's just not as easy as it sounds in theory.
I am just confused why was she so all over me for months, and kept telling me how much she hates her roomate, and telling me she was in love with me...and then asking me again to get back together...is she just juggling between the two of us? Why isn't she just straight up with me?
This is just a "leash tug," to make sure she still has control over you. The way you over-reacted proves to her that she does.
She says that she needs space, but now misses me.
Freeze her out and if she tells you again that she misses you, say "I know. " and leave it at that.
Do your own thing, live your life, wait until she tries to make plans with you. Make plans on YOUR terms, NOT HERS, and DO NOT REARRANGE ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE FOR HER CONVENIENCE.
So, the biggest question for me is this: if she in fact tries to ask me to start over once she is on her own, as she said she would...should I give her the benefit of the doubt, assume that she really needed some space to deal with the abusive "roomate" and start fresh? I really want to believe her, cause I know about (at least some) of the drama that the "roomate" has caused her in the past, and I really believe that there is a remote chance that she is telling the truth when she says that she does not want to "rock the boat" until he moves out, due to concern for her safety and/or him commiting a suicide?
It's just that the lies ruined my trust in her, but at leas she admitted to lying now, and says that she wasn't sure why.
No is the answer. You don't give her another fucking thought mate. Rodzilla hit this one on the head. How could she be living with a guy and he think they are together all the while she's dating you? You never met this guy? This whole thing is super fucked up. She's been lying to you the entire time you were together. You were newer than her 'ex' so she spent more time with you, then the novelty wore off, so she went back to him, only to find she didn't want that, so she came back to you now. Don't continue this cycle.
You're making excuses for her, that is a great indicator that its time to move on.
You're hoping the 'good' in her wins out. Hope can be a fucked up bitch in and of itself.
Don't hope, move based upon Actions. She's reverse rationalizing why she did what she did, she hasn't come up with an excuse her subconscious will accept yet, that's why she isn't sure why she lied to you. She'll come up with one, it will be plausible, but it will also be bullshit. Fact is she did it. Guarantee she cheated on you with him. Although in reality its far more likely she cheated on him with you. But that's purely semantic. Don't look back on this one, it'll only get way worse.
"My opinion is YOU deserve space, YOU should tell her YOU are moving on and if she wants to join you then that's fine if not that's fine too.DO NOT give her an ultimatum."
The fact that she wants you when you're not there is simple cat theory. Sky pirate is right and you need to think about yourself. This entire forum is dedicated to catching fish. You got yourself a smelly ass fish. Get a fresh fish.
But I can see how much you're invested in this. You're in love with a stinky fish.
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