Thread: Discussion\Theory: Needyness\One-itis vs "the real love"

Hey guys,

was talking with a buddy who is also into PU and we were talking about my current situation.
But i wanna keep this general, but will use my example for it.
For those who are curious\wanna know more details, you can read what is in the " ------ "

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This is real good soap-opera material. And how everything started, getting to know and how things evolved was unreal (positive way). Until parents came into place.
Anyways, popular advice for me was to break up. I do see the many good reasons behind this. Nevertheless i started to think more about (longterm) goals etc, so i wanna start a discussion...

GF gets forced to break up; Psycho Parents...what to do?!

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Ok, here we go:

I want to do and fight a lot for our relationship. Its as hard as you can think. Long distance, she´s pretty young, parents against daughter having boyfriend (religious bs).
My friend tells me that chances of success with her are pretty low, because of those circumstances. I agree, no doubt, things could be easier.

He argued that i´m to eager and says this looks like a one-itis. I had a one-itis before, and learned a lot through that. Personally i don´t believe she´s my one-itis, but hey im kind of biased - but to my best objectivity, she´s not. I know that i can be happy with another girl, i´m also no pussy servant. Got my pants on so to speak.

Why one-itis:

1)
My behaviour would classify for one-itis in a way. I´m spending shit ton of money to see her (just the logistics of travelling, hotel etc). I´m doing fine financially. Costs are not unsignificant, but they dont kill me.

2)
I´m taking a lot of shit. Not from her though (which is the important point imo). With 24yrs, a man is in his prime and i *could* have alot of *fun* with other girls who live in my area. I´d be sexually *free*. I´m giving this up.

3)
If somebody is so persistent like me and goes through all of this, the reason could be, that he believes that she´s the only women he can be happy with.
If a man does so much for a girl, he has to be pretty needy.
Which of the "PU-Rawmodel-Alphas" would do this for a girl?


why NOT one-itis? , Questions for discussion:

1)
I´m aware of the one-itis problem. I read many posts here with classical one-itis. Again, i´ve been there few times on my own. Of course everybody says "but SHE is different..." , but...
Thats the case here.
The only *problem* are the parents. Our relationship is - so far - completly rounded. We love each other yadda yadda. We have known each other for a year (half of it only through phone and letters) and so many obstacles couldnt get us apart. The foundation is not physical attraction.
I don´t mean this is *higher* love etc... and i am physically attracted to her, but thats not where our love is rooted, which is very important imo.

-----------> When is the point where YOU would talk about one-itis


2) How much is to much? Relationships aren´t perfect. There is always someth to *work* on after the starting attraction looses the fire, after the mind starts working again . So often "find another girl" is a valid advice in many cases, but often it also means, having the same problems again.

If a child doesnt learn math, you can only so often tell him to play soccer instead. The problem of not beeing able to calculate will come back with even more devestating power the next time.
Of course, if there is a life without calculating, thats the place to go. But this isnt realistic in most cases.


------------> Is *learning to love* even in hard times not rather a skill instead of beeing called "one-itis" ?

(personally i think its very important to keep questioning oneselves motives
and always beeing aware of the danger of one-itis)


3)
Most relationships - at least in the classic PU example - start with Attraction, comfort etc... and then sex. Ideally in 16hrs seeing each othr.
Then, if things work out, you have more sex and eventually start to be in a relationship (exclusive or not).
With that premise, it is of course very "needy" to sacrifice a lot for a girl, since why would one give up so much?!

If the premis tho is a long term relationship (and marriage; which is the same, well you sign few papers and have a party, thats the difference)
, dont goals and definition of needyness\one-itis get shifted?

Isn´t fighting hard for a relationship something positive and can make both people grow a lot? If there is no commitment between two partners and the attitude is "if i have the slightest feeling that you are not fitting into my way of thinking\my world, i´m going to go for somebody else".
Doesnt this end up in a lot of short or in the best case mid-term relationships?
For me it was this way and at this point in life i´m looking for something else...


Got some more thoguths, but will post if there is interest in discussion...

--- what is needyness for you, how far would you go if you had a high certainty that a relationship can\would last "forever"...

i.e. IF i had 100% certainty to find the "love of my life" and be together forever yadda yadda, then i would give up all my money.

This is theoretic and sounds like some bad tv-movie scene... but i´m just trying to illustrate my poitn

Very deep; I'm interested in hearing some knowledgeable opinions on this subject.

You've been given plenty of advice by many members in multiple threads about your situation and if you look through the forum about one-itis you'll see many many threads on the subject.

And to be honest I believe that the chances of a relationship lasting until you die to be slim in this day and age. Most of the time love is transient and fleeting. For some guys every other relationship feels like "the one" and no one will be able to convince them otherwise until it ends. So I don't know what you will learn from people here on the forums.

The more you value yourself, the more values a potential GF will have to posess.

The more you make a girl QUALIFY BEFORE the relationship, the more BS you filter out of your relationship to begin with.

The more BS filtered out of your relationship before it starts, the more chances you have of her being the one.

It is not a black/white thing first of all. There is a whole continuum between One itis and True Love. Where to draw the line? AFC's tend to be too liberal and guys new to the community too conservative. Here are a few questions to ask yourself?

If you could choose anyone in the world, including stars, to spend your life with, with you choose her?
To what extent are you having a good time outside the bedroom and the kitchen table?
To what extent is she appreciating and admiring you?
Does she like you the way you are or is she seeing you as a fixer upper?
Do you have shared interests and goals?
Are you happy to do the things you do for her or do you resent it?
Is she supportive of your career choices?

If you could choose anyone in the world, including stars, to spend your life with, with you choose her?
To what extent are you having a good time outside the bedroom and the kitchen table?
To what extent is she appreciating and admiring you?
Does she like you the way you are or is she seeing you as a fixer upper?
Do you have shared interests and goals?
Are you happy to do the things you do for her or do you resent it?
Is she supportive of your career choices?

Those are YOUR qualifications. In example, you value your own career enough that if your significant other doesn't you are ready to ditch her. Those are qualifications according to your value about yourself, which is... good! But if you take in example an AFC, which thinks he has a shitty job and wont have a career, he won't screen for that beforehand, and down the line, she might end up not respecting your career choices and eventually lead through conflict.

Not all conflict can be avoided through qualification pre-relationship, but the most important ones should.

The dating time exists to find out if she is what I am looking for in a woman. And also for her to get to know me and see if she can love the man I am today and the character I have, not just the fantasies she projects on my and the sex I enchant her with :-).

I'm mainly looking for the principles. For example with career I'd want to know if she was the type to either boss me into a promotion or to keep me from working reasonable overtime of if she would be pretty easygoing about it; as long as we have enough time together and enough money she is cool. That is important to me, because it means she is respectful and gives me space to make my choices. I'm willing to give up weekday barnights for a woman, but not my sovereignity.

Every man has to choose for himself what he is willing to put up with, to what extent he is happy to adapt. I do think if a man is giving up his sovereignity and in return in only getting laid, that is oneitis. True love has more going for her than hotness.

Originally Posted by Alucardx

You've been given plenty of advice by many members in multiple threads about your situation and if you look through the forum about one-itis you'll see many many threads on the subject.

And to be honest I believe that the chances of a relationship lasting until you die to be slim in this day and age. Most of the time love is transient and fleeting. For some guys every other relationship feels like "the one" and no one will be able to convince them otherwise until it ends. So I don't know what you will learn from people here on the forums.

I am interested in different opinions. i know where they come from (i.e pu-scene) and how to interpret them and let them influence my decision.

so yeah, i´m thankful for every bit of advice. May it be from an AFC or master PUA.

The chance of marriage lasting is about 50% . Doesnt mean its not a cool thing to aim for - knowing the *risk*.

"Try to reach for the impossible in order to achieve the possible"

is pretty much my motto in this case. It took me 2 one-itis to realize the problem . some are faster, others need 5 of them...

SharpSh00t3r SharpSh00t3r - Male

Not all conflict can be avoided through qualification pre-relationship, but the most important ones should.

Cannot agree more with waht you said.

Although it seems that most stuff here is very self centered. Its always about what ME, THE MAN etc wants. I don´t think that attitude is long-lasting.

Its ok to have values, dreams and boundaries or altogether "must have Qualities". But the more of those you have, the less potential partners are out there.
This is not about "higher quality". For me its about beeing very selective but also looking out which value I can give to antoher person.

Aha this is a very interesting thread as i am also going through a "one-itis" or "true love" thing now, not sure what it is
(if only i was 17 and this was the first girl i dated, i would be sure, however having been around alot, you dont quite know what it is suddenly, if you have a feeling you havent had before)

Its impossible to answer which one of the two it is ...if you are going through it yourself.
And at the same time, everybody from the outside will tell you its One-itis and get over it....trixy stuff