Online Dating Lessons From an OKCupid Moderator

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    Online Dating Lessons From an OKCupid Moderator

    Hey guys,

    I recently became a moderator on OKCupid, and I've learned some lessons from this that I thought would be helpful for guys starting out with online dating.

    First, what do mods do? Basically when someone "flags" a profile, picture, or message as inappropriate it gets sent to the mods to review, and they vote on whether the picture or user's account should be deleted.

    A lot of what gets flagged are obvious scams, links to porn sites, pics of nudity etc.

    But most interesting to me are flagged messages - When a message gets flagged the whole text of the conversation is forwarded to mods for us to review and see if what was said violated the rules (e.g. was harassing, overtly sexual, a scam, etc.)

    Aside the usual idiots I've noticed two interesting scenarios where guys tend to screw up and I thought this might be valuable as a lesson to the PUA community:

    1) Getting frustrated too soon (and showing that frustration)

    There are many chats that actually start out quite well. The guy will send an opening message and the girl will respond positively. Then at some point the guy will propose they get together, the girl will say that she's busy or for whatever reason can't make on the day he proposed - Often times this can even be said really positively "Oh I'd really love to go to [whatever event], it sounds awesome, but I have class that evening!" Instead of being cool the guy will say some dickish thing like - "This site sucks no one is for real here", or "You women are just a bunch of teases", or "Too bad cause you could have gotten to ride my 12 inch meatpipe."
    Anyway at this point he's not only blown the interaction he's also gotten flagged and perhaps deleted from the site.

    2) Going sexual in a jarring way

    The other thing I notice is that sometimes a conversation will be going pretty well and then a guy will just suddenly and totally inappropriately escalate the sexuality. So they might be having a typical get to know you chat about tastes in music or something fairly non-sexual, then the guy will out of the blue write something like "I would really love to suck your pussy" and the girl freaks out and flags the convo.

    The problem here is you are having this massive jarring shift from normal conversation to dirty talk. I'm pretty sure what's happening is the guy is thinking "Wow cool this is going well, this girl seems kinda into me." then he lets his penis hijack the conversation and gets blown out.

    So my takeaway for ya'll is this:

    1) If a girl says she's busy when you propose to meet up there are probably two reasons

    i) You haven't built enough attraction or comfort
    ii) Logistics (aka she's actually busy)

    In either case, don't be reactive, if you get upset in any way you will look needy. Your attitude should be that you have tonnes of different options, so if she comes out with you great, but if not you'll just do something with the abundance of other women or friends in your life.

    If you think you don't have enough attraction or comfort then just keep up the chat and work on building that up, then at a later time propose another meeting.

    If she explicitly says she's hesitant about meeting up with you (or people from online in general) you DEFINITELY haven't built enough comfort yet so just say you understand, and try to build more comfort, Don't come off as a try hard, use humour and DON'T GO NEGATIVE (unless it is in a very playful obviously humorous way).

    LOGISTICS - Remember people actually do have night classes, dentist appointments, family events, etc., and until you meet you are just some guy on the internet so you have pretty low priority, so she probably ain't gonna cancel any of that shit for you, that's just the way it is.

    If you propose meeting up and she turns it down because she's busy for something else and you think it's for legitimate logistical reasons I'd suggest you either propose another time or if you want to play it more safe ask when she's USUALLY free, then propose something during that time. This still gives her a sort of more polite way to decline - "Oh I'm usually free on Saturday but NEXT Saturday I have to get my dog groomed" or whatever, if she doesn't counter offer with another day / time, then I would keep up with the comfort / attraction building in a longer fuse kind of way.

    Also if she does say she's busy, I would suggest you NOT end the conversation right away, but just continue chatting about something else like it's no big deal, Ending the chat on her declining to come out with you is probably not the last thing you want her to remember about her interaction with you.

    In general though if you are proposing to meet up with a girls online and they are saying no, then you are probably not calibrating things right in your interaction.


    2) Don't go sexual in a jarring way and if you're not sure then it's ok to not go sexual.

    Personally I think the main point of interacting with someone online is to SET UP A MEETING IN THE REAL WORLD where you can build attraction and sexual energy a lot more effectively. If you are chatting online and you say one egregiously wrong thing, or one thing she perceives as creepy then you could be toast because it's really easy for her to just stop the interaction *CLICK*. Once you meet in person you have a lot more leeway and if you do mess up you have more opportunities to do damage control.

    I have met lots of women online with very little or no "sex talk" in the online portion of our communication, but when I met them in real life was able to sexualize things during the date with no problems. Also one feature I like about OKCupid is they have their little rating bars of if someone is "more sex driven" or "more kinky" girls will very rarely talk about this in their actual profile, but the WILL frequently answer survey questions about their sexuality which can be a great hook when you are actually on a date with them and bring some of that stuff up at the appropriate time (maybe I should write a post on some OKC specific strategies hmmmm..)

    Cajun has some great chat logs in his book that he took sexual in some amazing ways so, if you're confident in your ability to do that and things go in that direction by all means go for it, but I would say in general when you start out sexualizing make it humorous or kind of sly. I think it's also easier to sexualize in instant messaging, as you get some instant feedback of how the chat is flowing, as opposed to email kind of messaging (e.g. on okcupid or pof when you send written messages when the other person is offline) where people have more time to ruminate on what you said and dissipate that sexual energy.

    It's probably obvious to most of the people on these forums but you want the conversation to progress in a natural way, if it's something you wouldn't say to her in person, you probably shouldn't be saying it online. e.g. if you're on a date and you ask her favourite band is, and she says Radiohead, you probably wouldn't reply "That's cool, I would really love to try anal with you." If you're not certain, just think - would this be a good progression if I was saying this in person? If it does then do it! If it doesn't then don't!

    ICR



  2. #2
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    Congrats on getting moderator status. I guess you can now say "Hey baby, want to suck my meatpipe? Flag me all you want but it's going nowhere..."

    But ya. Good advice overall. I mean educated guys on here should know that shit already. But apparently some guys are really that stupid to let frusteration show through.

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    I don't see why anyone would "ask" a girl out over pof or Cupid messaging. Spend 15 minutes messaging. Get the digits. Spend about two days texting build a ton of attraction. Half the time they'll ask you out. :-/
    I make the good girls bad, and bad girls worse;
    nice guys are last 'cause I知 always first.
    I知 a freak show sucker for how it feels;
    turn the girl next door into hell on heels.
    I知 red-white-blue tattooed and just don稚 care;
    I知 the all American nightmare.
    -Hinder, All American Nightmare

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    Interesting but nothing that doesn't appeal to common sense. If you have some insight as to what type of messages/profiles seems to get responses, that'd be cool.
    Nachos, lemon heads, my dad's boat, you
    wont go down 'cause my dick can float!

  5. #5
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    If you're conversing with a lady from a standard dating site, getting sexual pretty quickly will usually backfire, not unless she gets sexual first. I tried
    using Cajun's question game with a lady on PoF, but she said it bored her. Then again, she was dumb as batshit anyway. Instant messaging outside
    of such a site, is usually the best way to do that, but build up slowly to it, instead of going full on fairly quickly.

    My sticking point is when you make a pretty good effort at engaging, without asking too many questions, but a lady is just a really lazy, boring conversor
    and regularly gives 5-10 word responses back, making it difficult to move forward. You can tease her for being so boring and lazy, but it'll backfire usually.

    If she's very busy and just has little time to write a decent message, I usually politely suggest if talking on the phone would suit her better, but if she
    doesn't want to give her phone number, then I'm stuck again.

    In cases where such a lady does kindly give her phone number, you call her up and she comes across as surprisingly boring and not that talkative or interesting on
    the phone, even though she seemed interesting from her profile, or she rudely cuts you off and starts ending the call without giving you time to finish, then you know not
    to bother with her.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by rdc363 View Post
    I don't see why anyone would "ask" a girl out over pof or Cupid messaging. Spend 15 minutes messaging. Get the digits. Spend about two days texting build a ton of attraction. Half the time they'll ask you out. :-/
    I don't think anyone is suggesting this is the method to do so. Unless I'm selectively ignoring that.

    I always add to MSN or get phone number. And then eithe Chat/Text and work up a date WITHOUT EVEN TALKING ON THE PHONE. I've met so many girls without even a phone call that have ended up in sex on the first date.

    However, I should make it a point to have 1 phone call so I can make sure her voice isn't ugly afterall. Also cuts the chance that it might be a guy on the other end fucking around (never happened before).

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by CMBC View Post
    I don't think anyone is suggesting this is the method to do so. Unless I'm selectively ignoring that.

    I always add to MSN or get phone number. And then eithe Chat/Text and work up a date WITHOUT EVEN TALKING ON THE PHONE. I've met so many girls without even a phone call that have ended up in sex on the first date.

    However, I should make it a point to have 1 phone call so I can make sure her voice isn't ugly afterall. Also cuts the chance that it might be a guy on the other end fucking around (never happened before).
    IDK, I don't care about the voice. Maybe I should get titty shots to make sure they're real! :P

    Just joking. I respect your game, bro!
    I make the good girls bad, and bad girls worse;
    nice guys are last 'cause I知 always first.
    I知 a freak show sucker for how it feels;
    turn the girl next door into hell on heels.
    I知 red-white-blue tattooed and just don稚 care;
    I知 the all American nightmare.
    -Hinder, All American Nightmare

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    Titty shots = easily just send random pic of girl. Easy to fake.

    Just saying.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by CMBC View Post
    Titty shots = easily just send random pic of girl. Easy to fake.

    Just saying.
    WTF? Anyway, have fun on the forums! I've got some gaming to do. :P
    I make the good girls bad, and bad girls worse;
    nice guys are last 'cause I知 always first.
    I知 a freak show sucker for how it feels;
    turn the girl next door into hell on heels.
    I知 red-white-blue tattooed and just don稚 care;
    I知 the all American nightmare.
    -Hinder, All American Nightmare

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