Putting Social Circle Mastery into context
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- 09-07-2011, 11:23 PM #1
Putting Social Circle Mastery into contextPutting Social Circle Mastery into contextby Nick Hoss
Social Circle Mastery for clubs operates on a different frequency than social circle building for friends or business. The difference lies in calibration, but that isn’t always easy to adjust when you’re inexperienced. If you’re going to run social circle game, this article will help you understand the terrain you’re working.
Getting sticky means seeing somebody enough/providing enough value that they remember who you are and what you do. Does the doorman know you by name? Does the girl with the sexy legs in your yoga class remember you from last week? If not, you have to put in more face time or provide something that they can use. For the doorman at the club, this may mean buying some tables, bringing some girls and becoming a regular. (You are looking for access with clubs. You want to be in the club. That’s where the cliché comes from.) For your yoga girl, this means being social to everybody in the class so that one girl notices your attractive qualities (passive attraction building), then building rapport with her.
To get sticky in either type of circle, you’re still putting in your time but with a different focus.
Building a Web
If a spider strings a single zipline for himself from tree-to-tree and that line snaps, he’s pooched and has to start over. If he builds a web between branches, he can afford to snap a little silk. Think of all the attachment points of a spider web as people within your social circle. They all know each other and are all connected. If you date one of them and break-up, you’ll still be connected to the others because you’re all catching flies together. If you’re just tight with one girl, your single zipline, and the friendship snaps (or she doesn’t show), you’re going to go hungry. What you put in your web differs depending on your scenario.
If you’re in the club scene, you’ll be trying to connect with a bunch of girls for two main reasons. 1) Clubs are ruthless and treat girls as currency. Unless you have some major pull, you’re going to need girls to get in to a lot of clubs in major cities. Too bad you were born with balls. 2) The more girls you add to your web, the more they’ll string off to other girls, ones who will be connected with you.
If you’re trying to score a date with that girl from the office, having a web helps because it will build your value. If you are the guy organizing happy hour or inviting people over for a party, you become the leader and a very attractive guy. Slowsly, other men in the office will defer to you in social contexts, and women will see the real value you hold. Suddenly, amongst all of the people in the office you are the coolest. (Most “alpha.”) You’re not just one of the five other guys in the office who is beating around the bush to hit on her, and you actually are smarter than your boss. You become the top social dog who is giving her a shot with you rather than you being another meat-hungry mange-hound after some tail.
What value can you offer and Relationship Building
Relationships and friendships only last as long as there is an exchange of value and if that value can be sustained given the proximity of one party to the other. (In other words, you and buddy need to help each other and see each other enough that you don’t become distant.)
In the club world, your value to that scene boils down to what you bring in for currency. Promoters want to fill the club with people on their lists so they can make more money. They want girls, the kind who draw dudes with big enough pockets that Biggie would rob them. Managers want you, as a dude, to drop cash on tables. Girls want guys that bring good emotions. This isn’t as cut and dry as you think, if you are willing to put in the time and develop your social skills outside of game. Let me explain…
Good emotions can be brought through being the cool, fun guy girls want to party beside. They also can be brought by buying a table and giving some drinks away (and the guy buying the table gaming her while he’s at it). Becoming a regular in L.A. or N.Y.C. is extra tough, but once you build a web and provide lasting value to promoters, you’ll get in. (This is the value exchange. Our social circle mastery DVD focuses heavily on how to work this system, and it works it damn well.) However, until that time, if it comes, your value is fleeting. They have dozens of people who can provide that promoter with what you can’t in terms of currency. Either hand them money as the currency or bring it in a different way of equal value. In other words, start befriending girls who can get you into clubs. Give them value that other guys aren’t, and leverage that value onto promoters. Ruthless clubness at its finest AND win-win-win for everybody! (I could write a whole ‘nother post on this topic.)
Relationship building in the real world, particularly the business world is not as trying I find. I really enjoy using what I’ve learned from Love Systems in other parts of my life. If you’re an established business guy, this will be second nature to you. (If not, check out Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi[/URL] on the reading list of my Nick Hoss blog.) Let’s use me as an example. As an LS coach, I can trade my expertise and services with pretty much any single man for some of his. For instance, I’m looking for a web designer right now (*wink, wink). If I can find a guy who can do some blog work for me, I’ll gladly provide him with dating advice or some 1 on 1 time. If he is a cool guy and can continue to provide value (and has proximity), he could very well become a guy I roll with on a regular basis. I used a lot of my writing skills to help out LS instructors who vouched for me in time, once they saw me in field and with students. We each had a need for each other, but the hidden part is that…
All relationships must be "win-win"
Here is the key with everything I’ve written above. You need to give value and receive equal value in return. (Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People[/URL] clarified this one for me.)
Often times you have great intentions and you’d be more than happy to volunteer your time and knowledge to help somebody, but they still turn it down. You’re giving free resources and they don’t want it! Baffling, right? Not really…
The thing is that most high value people have a lot of offers for help from people. However, if the offeror (the guy making the offer) was a high value person as well, wouldn’t he demand something in return for his valuable services? (Does this sound reminiscent of a 5-dude throwing himself at a 9-girl?) Worse yet, what if the offeree accepts the services and that offeror, concealing his intentions, begrudges the offeree unjustly for not volunteering something in return? (See: Buying women drinks in bars in order to talk to them.) Now that offerree has to deal with the mess he didn’t ask for or may feel obligated to give value back. It’s burdensome. After getting burned a couple of times by this concealment that offeree becomes suspicious of anybody who gives a lot and asks nothing in return (unless his intentions are made known and placed on the table).
Now all of this being said, if you would like to connect with somebody in a social circle environment, you have to be prepared to give more than you expect to receive back. This is where true value comes into play. When I meet a cool guy who is new to game, yet he is dedicated to learning and has the ability to get me access to resources (entry to clubs, a place to stay, teach me something about investing), I’ll take him under my wing and provide him value in return. (This is much like Project Rockstar.) However, when I meet some punk with solid game but he works as a cashier and we have to wait in line at the university bar, I’m not really that interested. His value is fleeting and it doesn’t help me in the long run.
I’m just using myself as an example for the above, but think back to any relationships you’ve organically developed in the past. They often revolve around a common interest or goal because there is a real value exchange going on. When you set out to network, you need to offer something of real value because a smart guy will recognize that in you and want to align with you.
To steal Aristotle’s quote in Magic Bullets, “Man is a political creature.” Think what real value you can offer people, and they’ll be more liable to respond in kind, no matter what context you're in.
Former #1 Instructor, now retired from infield instruction.
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