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I've been lurking for a bit now, reading ...
Trying to get on the right track
I've been lurking for a bit now, reading pretty much everything I can get my hands on to learn more about where I have gone wrong in the past. Did a lot of searching, and finally decided to post up. I have no illusions that my situation is typical somehow, but here goes anyway.
A little background: I moved here about 4 years ago for work, and pretty much never took much interest in socializing outside of work because of the small town (12k people) atmosphere and lack of good social venues. The only hot gals typically work at the local brewpub. So, I haven't asked any girls out since I graduated college is the bottom line, and this is the first gal I've tried to date in that time.
The story, as short as possible: Met this gal (24) at the company Xmas party last December while she was dating a coworker. Had a nice conversation then. She broke up with the coworker soon thereafter (they were just FBs). A few months go by and she gets her brother hooks us up on a pseudo-blind date. Things go pretty well for about a month. Mainly we cooked meals together at each others houses, talked and watched movies. She texts me and asks if I was attracted to her because I hadn't made any moves. I said yes, but first off, she stated that she wanted to take it slow, not knowing what she wanted, and took a long time to warm up to people, so I gave her space waiting for an indication that it was ok to move forward. She also sent conflicting signals. I also told her that it was partly due to inexperience (mistake). Things continue going well, and one time we stayed up to 2am just talking and her snuggling up a bit. Almost two months in she came over after having a bad day. We cooked dinner and watched a movie. I knew by this time I had better make some sort of move because things were obviously starting to stagnate, but she was completely closed off because she was curled up on the couch playing with her phone for half the movie. After that she left quickly, with me just giving her a nice hug and peck on the cheek. Also told her there that I hoped she knew that I liked her (mistake). Next day I get the "LJBF" text. I call her on it saying she can tell me why in person, so we meet up and discuss it. I listened but didn't try to change her mind, and after a week I realized all her reasons were BS excuses.
Two weeks later we meet up for a hike. Had a long conversation and she apologized for friending me in the manner she did (by text). We start hanging out like we used to, and a week later we spent 9 hours together doing various activities (talking, drinking beer, basketball, dinner, played pool, etc). She talked a lot of relationship stuff in general that afternoon. She stated she wanted a relationship with a guy with his head on straight, or just have a dog to occupy enough of her time to not focus on guys. Also apologized for poorly communicating her desires while we were dating. I just listened but realized I fit her description of what she wanted. A few days later we go for a sunset walk stating she'd like to be my wingman going out to a bar and that she had a crush on a guy who works near her in town. Again, I kept quiet, but I don't need a darn wingman as I'd rather have her. Way deep into friend zone? Another thing is that although we've grown to know each other a lot better in the past month and enjoying each others company, every time I go home from being with her I'm pissed off because I'm getting nowhere. A few days later she texts me asking me what I was up to and I replied I was out of town on work. Had to shave the beard and suggested I didn't look bad without it. She replies she's in her bikini and that it looked good. This was strange because every time before she said she looked horrible in a bikini and wouldn't be seen in one. I sent her a mildly flirty text back, but got no reply. This was back on July 3. Directly asked Thursday if she still wanted to go to the car races with me this past Sunday. No replies. Don't know why she's not replying but on the other hand I don't really care either. After reading the LJBF sticky, I decided to delete all her texts and her number. Ball's in her court to contact me again.
Pretty much I want out of the friendzone, and am going to try the LJBF sticky methods. She's an attractive gal, with an interesting mind and some unique qualities, but I also know she's not the only one out there. It seems that being a better friend is going no where. I do have much more important things to deal with right now than goof off with her or have her distracting me, and this week and a half of not talking to her has felt pretty good. I'm also wondering if she's just a typical female or a basket case. I'm pretty sure that telling her what I want out of a relationship is a bad idea.
too available/not enough challenge
told her I was inexperienced
told her I liked her instead of showing it (or not showing it enough)
had attraction, qualification and comfort, but lost attraction. Never escalated
Am I on the right track with my planned actions and self-analysis? How long would you guys give it before I should contact her out of the blue if this silence goes on more than a few weeks, or should I even bother?
Thanks for your patience in reading this.
I LOLed at that. You guys just aren't clicking. Sounds really awkward. You're in a real life Hugh Grant romantic romp flick! This is going to sound weird but I liken this girl to an unripened fruit. There's something missing or out of sorts in her development. Needless to say, you have a big responsibility in this whole thing going south - why you couldn't just grab her while she was stirring sauce is beyond me. But sometimes chicks will send out the weirdest signals that can easily confound. She's an odd one - FBs are OK by her, but anything more and she's in uncharted waters. It's as though she's afraid of closeness but can't stand being lonely. Just my spidey senses.
Originally Posted by VDR
I think that even if you were able to get into an intimate relationship with her you'd be constantly dealing with her chaos. It's almost too late anyway because she's already seen how easily she can walk all over you if she wanted to. You have to teach a chick early on how you want to be treated. Actually, that's true in all relationships.
You are being far too nice, but in a way that's good because I can see this chick fucking around on you if you get with her. You must work on this issue of yours in order to move forward in the girl dept, otherwise you're in for a lifetime of mediocre relationships and sporadic sex. Read "No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy" by Dr Robert Glover - you'll relate.
Read the LJBF sticky. Go out drinking with her and make some serious moves. Or just go to the pound and get her a dog.
“On the Road of Life, There's Always Another Bus”
I find your reply rather humorous, but I see some good points.
Actually, her last attempted relationship with the coworker was the other way around. She wanted something more serious and he just wanted to be FBs. She's also had a half dozen serious relationships total and was engaged once. And at 24, that strikes me as way too early. She hates being lonely but plays super hard to make a move on even if she wanted one to be made. Confusing...
Yes, she's walked all over me. Yes, there's been plenty of awkward moments.
Might have better luck asking the new hot waitress at the brewpub for her number than pursuing this any longer.
Next that chick, partner!
That story could be the quintessential AFC story, you did Everything wrong. But don't despair, that's what your forum brethren are here for.
Learn to escalate! Read everything you can about this and kino. Super important. You will be absolutely shocked at how fast you can get in them panties if you just take charge, be dominate, and ESCALATE!
And for god sakes don't blather on and on with chicks about irrelevant shit, that's the expressway to LJBF land.
P.S. Read Magic Bullets
VDR, hope it all works out for you. Do read that book I mentioned.
Originally Posted by VDR
“On the Road of Life, There's Always Another Bus”
Heh, this is rather funny.
Two weeks to the day from her last text I got one this morning. My phone was off all day so I just got it this evening. "Haven't heard from you in forever. You hatin'?"
Why yes, as a matter of fact. I don't really like being ignored when I send messages!
Thinking of just saying I've been busy, which is 100% the truth lately. Working my tail off.
*edit* sent the "busy" message. Just got a "oh alright then" back. Hrmm...
I ordered some reading material, including the ones mentioned in the above posts. I look forward to reading them.
Since she finally sent me a message back, I've been thinking of asking her out for a hike this next weekend and try to cook something together afterwards while trying to do some Kino escalation when possible. How does that sound?
*edit* Holy crap, just two days after I told her I was just busy lately, she texts me again this afternoon saying, "You must still be busy".
I hate to be optimistic, but it almost seems like she's missing me without saying it explicitly.
I gave her a call later the evening of the above post. She didn't pick up so I left a message. Next day she texts apologizing for not calling back and asking how I've been. Replied later on that I was fine and busy with work, fun and projects. Today I text her asking her how she's been and the immediate reply was "busy, too". Whatever....
Does this appear to be handled appropriately so far?
You need to go to a strip club and have some real fun.
Strip Club Player
I can really relate, I've just spent the last 6 months of my life messing with a chick just like this and she's the reason I found these forums, we'd spend 5+ hours a day together, cook, watch movies etc. I tried taking the lead, tried letting her take the lead. Finally after 4 months I thought we were moving somewhere, but 2 days later I was back deeper than ever in the friend zone without any explanation.
My advice is move on, find someone else with less head problems and start fresh.
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