Sainthood

My name is Saint Utah. In the past, it's been Drowning Fish, Almost Evil 665, Aeiou, Poseidon, The Count, Paris, and Zion. I was almost Trilliant. If I wasn't Saint Utah, I'd be Extra Virgin.

I grew up in assorted spots around Salt Lake City. American Fork, Draper, Fruit Heights, Eagle Mountain... places you've never heard of. And that's fine. The world hasn't heard from Utah since the 2002 Winter Olympics, and it probably won't until their long-overdue, catastrophic earthquake arrives.

I was born into the Mormon church, where I learned to be timid and guilt-ridden. It's an entry for another day, but I attribute much of my dysfunction with women to my conservative, religious upbringing. I'm now a faithful agnostic, proud that what I believe isn't even a proper noun.

I have always been awkward around women, but I somehow managed to get three "girlfriends" (under Mormon definitions) during high school, the latter two of which were exceptionally beautiful (and the first was no pig). I only kissed two of them, and had sex with none of them. After graduating, I went on an occasional date, but I haven't had a girlfriend in 3 years. I haven't had a kiss in 4. And, at 20 years old, living in my mom's house, chronically skinny, working a dead-end job, waiting for July so I can get residency and "really" start school, my virginity remains.

Oh, and I'm starting a lair in Columbus, Ohio. Odd resume, no? I would be self-conscious about it if I thought it mattered.

Because besides being a virgin, I am a witty motherfucker with a mind like a diamond and impeccable fashion sense. The English language is my bitch, and I have no problem making friends when I actually open my mouth. And I'm a few months and a thousand approaches away from being pretty good at this.

Looking forward to the future, and I promise not to disappoint.

- Weston