Thread: INNER GAME - The Secret of Attractive Reactiveness

Hey guys

Braddock and I will be writing a bunch of practical Inner Game insights/articles in which we cover some of the Inner Game concepts that took us years to put together into the new Inner Game Seminar. Enjoy!

Attractive Reactiveness and The Fallacy of ‘Being Unreactive’

Let’s take a look at one of the basic concepts of game - UNREACTIVITY.

The concept of ‘being unreactive’ is, for the large part, both largely misunderstood and misused in the dating and seduction community.

Prevailing Notions of 'Unreactivity'

Many believe that ‘unreactivity’ is the best response to all stimulus’ and ‘tests’ from beautiful women.

To some degree, this is correct. If you don’t know what to do or how to react then unreactivity is a good default response.

However, this advice taken wrongly can turn an otherwise pleasant ‘Joe Bloggs’ into a watered down, no guns or explosives, version of James Bond .

When I first got into learning about seduction , pick up and dating, one of the things that I read was that the key to attraction and general ‘coolness’ was to be unreactive. When I read this, I thought to myself – ‘Do I really have to be an unreactive, arrogant, dismissive, aloof alpha male in order to be good with girls?’

I struggled with this question for a long time. I’m hooking up with hot girls now regularly now and can tell you how it is exactly.

You don’t need to be an asshole or completely unreactive to get the hottest girls.

That being said, there is an advanced way to use 'jerk game' this to get SNLs through massive takeaways and drama - but this isn't part of this article and is not necessary to get attraction .

In fact, it is counterproductive to your life as a whole because it tends to make other people dislike you too (including guys that you could be aligning with). In general, being a dominant, unreactive alpha male is not necessary (this is yet another myth of the dating community - click here for more information on how to be a REAL alpha male ).

Consequently, while the principle of unreactiveness is useful, it requires a lot more finesse.

Not every successful seducer needs to be like James Bond - in fact, there are far more successful personality blueprints for a ‘ladies’ man’ than Mr Bond. Think about it – in your own lives, do you know a guy who is fun, funny, not an asshole and gets laid a lot? Does that person remind you of the supremely unreactive 007 ? No.

'Being Unreactive' as a Basic Principle

As a basic principle and for beginners to intermediate, 'Being Unreactive' is a useful principle to apply as a blanket rule.

You usually only have a split second to respond to something a girl says.

There is a pause between the stimulus and response. Within this ‘pause’, as a basic principle, if you are not sure how to respond to the stimulus (e.g. one of her ‘tests’), then it is indeed optimal to be unreactive. This is particularly important during the early part of an interaction – during the opening , transition and early attraction phases.

Being unreactive should certainly be the default in the case of ‘tests’ where you don’t know what to do in response to something she says or does. Why? Because although you do not offensively reframe, by not reacting, you do not accept a frame which is disadvantageous to you. A good friend of mine and respected ladies man, Sebastian Drake, said that one of the best responses when you don’t know what to do is to simply shrug. Good advice. Shrugging indicates a non reactive frame.

As a newbie, it may be useful to try to be completely unreactive for a while. For guys new to the game , or with very little success with women, the “unreactive” mindset is an excellent frame to have. You can generate a lot of attraction from setting such a frame.

But if we are talking “10 Game” i.e. how to pick up the hottest girls (e.g. see my field report and pictures of a 'Genuine 10' here), there is a lot more to being completely unreactive.

This about it - does the rule of being ‘unreactive’ mean that you can’t laugh at her jokes, or empathise with her? I think not. If you have ever seen a magical Braddock set, where he has the girls in his grasp – laughing, grabbing him, trying to get his attention etc - you will see that the interaction is fun and free flowing – and both parties are reacting to each other a lot. Braddock isn’t James Bond , but I’d bet my bottom dollar that he gets more girls than 007 . And he isn’t the only example. Plenty of other instructors react to girls, and while they are not being classically unreactive, they are still able to generate quantum amounts of Attraction .

HOW???

The truth is that in many circumstances, it isn’t optimal to be unreactive. People are reactive to one another – it is called ‘communication’. Communication is inherently a reactive process. She makes a joke, you respond by laughing. She says something, you relate to it. These processes are inherently reactive. Moreover, as the interaction continues into the Qualification and Comfort stages, you will need to introduce even more reactivity as you connect with her on an emotional level (for more on Qualification and developing an emotional connection, see article here).

So the big question is… how can you be reactive and build attraction ?

Being Reactive – The Good Way

Take the following example as where reactivity can trump unreactivity…

UNREACTIVENESS

Her: OMG you’re such a jerk (smiling) [a ‘test’]
You: [Totally unreactive] Yeah.
Her: Um, OK… [Walks away]

REACTIVENESS

Her: OMG you’re such a jerk (smiling) [a ‘test’]
You: [In an exaggerated tone, with a cheeky smile] Oh, I’m sorry. [Put’s arm over girls shoulder playfully] I promise that I’ll be the nice guy from now on if you be my girlfriend. In fact, tomorrow, after band camp, I’ll buy you flowers, introduce you to my mom and dad, call you 15 times a day and write you a song.
Her: Haha! You’re hilarious!

As the example shows, in some circumstances, it DOES pay to be reactive in order to garner the optimal Real World Effect.

So what are the underlying principles to ‘Attractive Reactiveness’?

The Two Key Principles of ‘Attractive Reactiveness’

Attractive Reactiveness is the art of reacting to a woman in such a way that still builds attraction .

There are two main principles behind what Braddock and I call ‘Attractive Reactiveness’: (1) REASSERTING FRAME and (2) EMOTIONAL OVERREACHING.

1) ‘REASSERTING FRAME’

‘Reasserting Frame’ is an incredibly powerful technique and is absolutely crucial to a part of the science of pick up that Braddock and I are pioneering called “10 Game” i.e. how to pick up the 10’s – the hottest girls. That’s why we all got into this isn’t it?!

A hot woman will often say something to you which is designed to (1) test your frames and beliefs and/or to (2) reinforce her own. For example:

• The frames and beliefs that she may challenge are things like abundance, that you are the prize, that sex is not a big deal, that you deserve her etc.
• The frames and beliefs that she may reinforce are things like that she is the prize, that you have to win her over, that you are not worth her, that she is desired, that she doesn’t need you etc.

In the face of these ‘tests’, it is perfectly OK to respond and be reactive, as long as you respond in such a way which doesn’t buy into her frames or beliefs but instead, REASSERTS YOUR OWN FRAMES AND BELIEFS. Part of ‘natural game’ is internalizing these attractive frames and beliefs. If you have internalized them, then you can simply act from your ‘internal compass’. But for many people, these frames have not been internalized. So, instead, they have to consciously REASSERT the frame or the inner belief.

The principle is:

IT IS OK TO REACT – AS LONG AS YOUR REACTION REAFFIRMS YOUR OWN BELIEFS AND FRAMES INSTEAD OF HERS.

Ideally, these frames and beliefs should be the ones that cause attraction i.e. things like abundance, that you are the prize, that sex is not a big deal etc.

For example:

Her: I’m not sleeping with you tonight… [TEST OF FRAME THAT SEX WITH HER IS THE GOAL AND THE PRIZE]
You: Why are you always thinking about sex? You’re such a sexual predator. [REASSERTING THAT SHE IS THE SEXUAL AGGRESSOR] Sleeping, not sleeping, you know what? It doesn’t matter to me. I’m having fun. [REASSERTING FUN]

Her: You know every guy in this venue is checking me out. [TEST THAT SHE IS THE PRIZE]
You: That’s interesting because I talk to a lot of attractive girls who get checked out regularly and you know what amazes me? Many of them have such little attitude outlook and personality. In fact, I have yet to meet a one in a bar like this who could hold me attention. [REASSSERTING ABUNDANCE OF HOT GIRLS]

Her: Buy me a drink and I might keep talking to you.
You: Wow, I haven’t bought a random girl a drink since my ex girlfriend. OK, I’ll buy you one if we make a deal… I hate how I feel obligated to stay and talk to a girl once I buy her a drink because she turns out to be boring. So if I buy you a drink, pinky swear that I’m under no obligation to stay and talk to you unless you are actually an interesting person. [REASSERTING PRESELECTION , ABUNDANCE AND THAT YOU ARE THE PRIZE]

At a deeper level, it doesn’t quite matter which frame you reinforce with your response. As long as you don’t buy into hers and reinforce your own! This is why the base principle to 'be unreactive' still holds true as a basic response - unreactivity implies that you have not bought into a frame.

IF you learn to do this right, I have found that the 10's almost magically fall into your lap. Why? Mostly because this is what 10s do - they live in a reality where they ALWAYS either impose their frame or misinterpret interactions so that their frame (no matter how delusional) is the dominant one.

Note that in the beginning, this may be difficult to do congruently and without processing time which makes it awkward. Like everything good, it takes practice and the optimal is for you to actually internalize important frames. Frames are a large part of what Braddock and I teach uniquely in our bootcamps and the new Inner Game Seminar.

2) ‘EMOTIONAL OVERREACHING’

The second principle is called ‘Emotional Overreaching’ and applies when and if you say something to her. It is not necessarily in response to a ‘test’. It is rather the principle behind how to be reactive in any situation and still be able to generate attraction .

Emotional Overreaching occurs where you try and create an emotion or emotional response in other people instead of expressing without distortion your internal emotional state, desire, thoughts or intention.

In other words, when you take an action, express an emotion or make a statement, if you do so the intent to cause an emotional reaction in a beautiful woman or a high value man, you cause an incongruence in your sub communications because what you are feeling on the inside is incongruent with what you are expressing. This is called Emotional Overreaching.

Examples:

• A basic example is if a classic song starts playing in a bar and you exclaim that it is an amazing song just to fill an awkward silence. That is emotional overreaching. You are TRYING TO MAKE HER FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE or cause an emotional reaction in her instead of realizing that it is YOU that is feeling uncomfortable and that it is this that needs to change. If the classic song is truly one of your favorites and you say it with enthusiasm, sincerity and spontaneously and with disregard for what she thought, then you are not emotionally overreaching.
  
• Another example is teasing . Teasing is an incredibly powerful way to create attraction . But when you are teasing a girl, ask yourself… are you teasing her because you genuinely find it fun or because you want her to become attracted to you? If it is the latter, your body will communicate this and her body will pick up on the emotional overreaching on your side.

Other common emotional overreaches for men are (1) trying to make someone comfortable in your presence, (2) trying to make someone accept you or (3) trying to make others laugh instead of finding something genuinely funny yourself and conveying it.

If you are emotionally overreaching, to the person listening or watching, your statement feels slightly insincere, or like you might have an agenda, or that you are somehow trying too hard.

When a man does not emotionally overreach, people will often comment that he is ‘comfortable in his own skin’. ‘Being comfortable in your own skin’ is simply the layman’s way of saying that your sub communications are congruent with what you were saying – or in other words, that your ‘inner feelings, emotions and intentions’ match your outer sub communications. When this happens, you are comfortable with what you are saying, your sub communications convey this and people are put at ease around you.

In summary:

YOU HAVE A SENSE OF WHEN YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY OVERREACHING WHEN IT FEELS AS IF YOUR ACTIONS ARE BEING BASED ON, OR INFLUENCED BY, YOUR DESIRE TO CAUSE A RESPONSE IN THE OTHER PERSON RATHER THAN BY THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL, YOUR DESIRES, MOOD OR INTENT.

WHEN YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY OVERREACHING, STOP.

So, as a PRACTICAL ACTION POINT, in your upcoming conversations with girls or guys, whenever you feel that you are emotionally overreaching, be conscious that you are doing it and pull back.

The great thing is, you can also use these principles to generate attraction in Social Circles (whereas you may not be able to use lines and routines). Combine Attractive Reactiveness with the tested 'formula' of how to pick up girls in social circles (see the following awesome article - Picking Up In Social Circles) and you've got a rocket fuel mix.

As a final note, note that in comfort and relationships, it is OK to be more reactive and at times let go of your frames. Also, reactivity can be used in SNLs to create drama and takeaways (this is Braddock 's specialty!). I can’t go into these right now, and they are more advanced topics, but simply note that these are the rules of reactivity as applied to gaining a high level of attraction in an interaction with a woman or respect in a general social interaction.

If you apply the rules of REAFFIRMING and EMOTIONAL OVERREACHING, you will find that you more easily get attraction from women and your interactions with people become far more streamlined. Moreover, you become (1) less emotionally overreaching and more genuine and (2) your inner frames and beliefs become internalized as you REAFFIRM them to solidify them over time. This way, you become naturalized and your ‘best self’ comes out without distortion.

----

‘Attractive Reactiveness’ is one of the basic concepts Braddock and I teach in our new Love Systems Inner Game seminar .

The Inner Game Seminar is a life-changing 10-hour long seminar run by Mr M and Braddock . It is the longest, most comprehensive, one day seminar ever released. Click here for more information.

Who wants to change their abilities with women and dating FOREVER?

Wow. Awesomeness.

To add, this really further demonstrates that attraction and comfort are not really exclusive things. As in, you don't need to "break rapport" to build attraction , nor do you need to "tone down attraction " to build comfort ... Mystery really didn't know what rapport means and the false use of the term is being used till this day creating confusion for many.

Thanks for this big contribution, Mr. M .

Mr M on point as always!

Long post kids.

Although I didnt learn anything new because I was previously figuring this all out by myself, but this is EXTREMELY HELPFUL to all.

Though I gotta say to make this stuff work its almost as if you have to put your self in a different state of mind. When I first starting messing around with inner game I would make my self consciously be aware of all my body's movements and I would concentrate on being relaxed and having alpha male body language . Once I was relaxed I would tell my self not to give a shit at all about anything and say whatever is on my mind without being afraid and without seeking any reaction from anyone whats so ever. And it works wonders because I would say random interesting things with confidence and everyone would just listen to every single word I had to say and just be sucked into it. This relates to what Mr M calls emotional overreaching.

By not giving a shit and being into whatever random shit I decide to talk/comment about I avoided that awkward emotional overreaching. Just avoiding that gives you such... power. Everyone is instantly interested in what your saying and you get all the attention from everyone.

And trust me, you can talk about ANYTHING and make it interesting. Just throw in your personal opinions, express yourself, and get into what ever it is your talking about. Be direct with what your saying and say it because YOU find it interesting and YOU just want to speak your mind. Dont ever try to get reactions out of other people. Others will instantly be sucked into the words that are coming out your mouth.

The key to making this all work is changing your state of mind and thinking a certain way. Affirmations really help with this. To "turn on" and consciously be aware of my inner game I tell myself "I don't care, Im confident, Im sexual". As soon as I tell myself that, my inner game turns on and my fucked up insecurity's and worries go completely away. I don't have a single negative thought. I dont have to think of what I need to do to be alpha male (body language , voice, things I mentioned before) they just naturally come to me when I turn my self on. I know when im "on" because my breathing gets slowed down and I get a tingly feeling around my upper body (things like this happen when your consciously aware of something in your body, I read it a few times before).

The goal is to eventually permanently stay in that state of mind your consciously getting into so you can automatically have the body language , tone of voice, thoughts, ect., without ever having to "turn on" your inner game . Your inner game will be subconscious and you no longer have to think of it.

To make this work, dont look at it as another trick to add to the bag. Look at it as what you want to be like.

This post was probably long, complicated, and confusing. But when you guys get into it, you'll know what im talking about. But its crazy how people fall so easy into your frame and reality when you got this down. Inner game is the number one thing I focus on, because once you got it down everything is a very easy land slide.

And what Mr M calls Attractive Reactiveness, I just simply look at it as these 3 things: framing, role playing , and focusing on her and the topic.

Originally Posted by Mr M

2) ‘EMOTIONAL OVERREACHING’

The second principle is called ‘Emotional Overreaching’ and applies when and if you say something to her. It is not necessarily in response to a ‘test’. It is rather the principle behind how to be reactive in any situation and still be able to generate attraction .

Emotional Overreaching occurs where you try and create an emotion or emotional response in other people instead of expressing without distortion your internal emotional state, desire, thoughts or intention.

In other words, when you take an action, express an emotion or make a statement, if you do so the intent to cause an emotional reaction in a beautiful woman or a high value man, you cause an incongruence in your sub communications because what you are feeling on the inside is incongruent with what you are expressing. This is called Emotional Overreaching.

Examples:

• A basic example is if a classic song starts playing in a bar and you exclaim that it is an amazing song just to fill an awkward silence. That is emotional overreaching. You are TRYING TO MAKE HER FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE or cause an emotional reaction in her instead of realizing that it is YOU that is feeling uncomfortable and that it is this that needs to change. If the classic song is truly one of your favorites and you say it with enthusiasm, sincerity and spontaneously and with disregard for what she thought, then you are not emotionally overreaching.
  
• Another example is teasing . Teasing is an incredibly powerful way to create attraction . But when you are teasing a girl, ask yourself… are you teasing her because you genuinely find it fun or because you want her to become attracted to you? If it is the latter, your body will communicate this and her body will pick up on the emotional overreaching on your side.

Other common emotional overreaches for men are (1) trying to make someone comfortable in your presence, (2) trying to make someone accept you or (3) trying to make others laugh instead of finding something genuinely funny yourself and conveying it.

If you are emotionally overreaching, to the person listening or watching, your statement feels slightly insincere, or like you might have an agenda, or that you are somehow trying too hard.

When a man does not emotionally overreach, people will often comment that he is ‘comfortable in his own skin’. ‘Being comfortable in your own skin’ is simply the layman’s way of saying that your sub communications are congruent with what you were saying – or in other words, that your ‘inner feelings, emotions and intentions’ match your outer sub communications. When this happens, you are comfortable with what you are saying, your sub communications convey this and people are put at ease around you.

In summary:

YOU HAVE A SENSE OF WHEN YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY OVERREACHING WHEN IT FEELS AS IF YOUR ACTIONS ARE BEING BASED ON, OR INFLUENCED BY, YOUR DESIRE TO CAUSE A RESPONSE IN THE OTHER PERSON RATHER THAN BY THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL, YOUR DESIRES, MOOD OR INTENT.

WHEN YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY OVERREACHING, STOP.

So, as a PRACTICAL ACTION POINT, in your upcoming conversations with girls or guys, whenever you feel that you are emotionally overreaching, be conscious that you are doing it and pull back.

I have been observing this phaenomenon the last 3 months, while trying to field test the effects of approval seeking behavior. The conclusion I have come to so far is that it is a ''percentage crippler'' rather than a killer. I have noticed that it doesn't make my jokes, for example, to always fall flat but it reduces the frequency I get good reactions. Roughly estimated, instead of 90% good reactions I get only 60%, which is far from insignificant.

The problem is HOW THE HELL YOU CAN CHANGE THAT. It seems that there is a threshold of 'approval seeking' behavior and if you get past it you will get a bad reaction (every action has some degree of approval seeking behavior in it weather you realize it or not, exactly like all physical objects have mass). Most of the times I tease a girl I don't even think about it and it's OK. But sometimes a thought may pop up in my mind that I want to tease a hot girl to make her laugh. How can I change the way I am approaching it? It is something that happens automatically and I can't think of a way to get rid of it.

Any thoughts?

Originally Posted by Dagon

The problem is HOW THE HELL YOU CAN CHANGE THAT. It seems that there is a threshold of 'approval seeking' behavior and if you get past it you will get a bad reaction (every action has some degree of approval seeking behavior in it weather you realize it or not, exactly like all physical objects have mass).

Originally Posted by Dagon

But sometimes a thought may pop up in my mind that I want to tease a hot girl to make her laugh. How can I change the way I am approaching it? It is something that happens automatically and I can't think of a way to get rid of it.

Any thoughts?

The key is approval seeking behaviour to realize it is OK to ENJOY and thus WANT someone else's approval, but not to NEED it.

If I can use an example... it is actually OK to say things to make your friends laugh, for example. The KEY is for the primary motivation behind it that YOU find it funny and the secondary motivation - that they will too. The same applies to teasing . If it comes from a place where you find it funny, two things happen - (1) Your subcommunications align and (2) You achieve some outcome independence (i.e. David X's whole 'Who cares what they think' - because it is YOU who thinks its funny and that is the primary purpose of the statement). That is why RSD teach to be self entertaining, although the principle we teach in the Inner Game seminar is a little more refined. I'll soon publish another article on this principle soon. It is currently on the Lounge but I am just refining the draft that I posted a month or so on there. Stay tuned... give me a week or two - just polishing it off. It may come out on the LSi first.

Ok, I get that. But how exactly can you change which your primary motivation is? If it comes into your mind the wrong way from the begining, how do you switch main with secondary motivation?

And I am looking forward to read your post... those things wandering around the community are soooo obscure that they need to be better defined.

I've never heard of this "emotional overreaching" concept before, but it's pretty obvious when you see it in action. Just watch the VH1 show. This is why you feel actual discomfort just by watching those guys. Because you can look at them and know they are forcing things.

really, great post, thanks

Can I please borrow your brain? Just for one day. That way I can sap all your knowledge and I don't have to talk to you anymore. lol. As always, sick post man, seriously sick.