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05-14-2012, 04:21 PM #1
Disclaimer: Before anything is written out for this thread, I'd like to point out that I'm 19-years-old and have only had two serious relationships in my lifetime. Along with those relationships, I've had sex with a good amount of women and have gained a much deeper insight on how to handle certain situations with strength, understanding, and an overall willingness to progress and move forward. You can either take this advice at face value or actually internalize what I'm preaching to you. I don't condone or write out anything that I have not experienced myself. I wouldn't be making this post in the first place had I not moved on fully from my previous relationship. This post will be long and informational - to that end, break-ups happen for various reasons and scenarios, this thread is based off actual experience through personal mistakes and values that I've made and gained through the past 2 and a half years of meeting and learning about women.
BetterThan's How to Handle a Break-up
Part 1: The Break-up
So there you are - confused, hurt and unable to move forward because your ex just broke the news to you. The list of reasons why she's walking away can literally go on for ages:
"It's not you, it's me."
"I need space to get myself together again."
"I've lost attraction to you over the past couple months"
"I think we should see other people."
"There's someone else."
"I can't hold a relationship right now. It's just too much for me."
"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."
"I've never really experienced the single life."
The list goes on and on and every woman will insist that the break-up is NOT your fault. Which, in most cases, it typically is, but NOT for the reasons you think. You may think that you did something wrong in particular that you could've fixed and can change right now, but trust me, YOU CAN'T. Some women will genuinely fall out of love with you, lose attraction to you and leave the relationship for reasons that you'll never fully understand. Relationships are complicated in themselves if you make them that way, so to make things simple, you need to remove yourself from the situation altogether. When a woman breaks up with you, she'll say things like she's "confused" or "doesn't know what she wants". When these things happen, the first thing that pops into your head is:
"OMG, she might want to get back together with me!! YES!! All I need to do is prove my love to her and she'll go back on her decision in ending the relationship in the first place!! WOO-HOO!!!"
Well, okay, sure. There may be a chance to get back together with your ex-girlfriend, but approaching the situation with this mindset is simply not going to cut it. She's going to say A LOT of mis-leading things too you during and after the break-up. She's not doing this to get back at you for something, to toy with your emotions, or to try to confuse you on purpose. Typically, she genuinely doesn't know what she wants from you after she's left you and feels "out of place" because her emotions are running VERY high after everything's been said and done (so are yours, obviously). Hell, she may even reach out to you, text you, call, MSM, Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, MSN, etc. etc. and the list goes on. Reaching out to you, at the time, seems appropriate to her because she's looking for minimal validation from you.
You see, acting on her emotions right now is what she's going to try to avoid. She'll reach out, but she won't want anything from you, just a response. I'll get more into this in the next part, but understand that a woman's perspective after a break-up is generally the same as a guy's. She wants to progress with her life without you, but at the same time she wants to be with you. A "part" of her wants you, but another "part" doesn't - if that makes sense. Looking at my past, my ex before this current ex was so unsure of her emotions that one day she was completely in love with me and the next she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I, unaware of the current mindset I have right now, constantly reached out to my ex in hopes of changing her mind and making her stay just a bit longer. I wanted her to know that I was still madly in love with her. I'd text her, call, send Facebook crap to her, and I even tried surprising her with flowers at her house at 12 AM to see her "fall back in love" with me overnight. To no avail, my efforts were futile and only FURTHER enforced her decision to end the relationship in the first place. This shitty experience brings me to the next section...
Part 2: Reacting To The Break-up
Your reaction, above all other things, is the absolute most crucial move you can make after a break-up. Rather, it's the absolute most crucial move you shouldn't make after a break-up. Once things have been settled, and she's fully decided to move on and leave the relationship, the best thing you can look forward to doing is breaking out the No Contact rule. This rule simply says that you should not reach out to your ex until you've fully recovered from the previous relationship. Simple enough, huh? Well... sort of.
When you two split up, make sure that you have everything that you ever took to her house, make sure that everything's been said, and make sure that there's nothing holding you two together (a lease on a house, a dog you bought together, gifts, etc). When she walks out that door, LET HER WALK OUT THE GOD DAMN DOOR! I know, it seems stupid and uncalled for. Why the fuck would you let your amazing, beautiful, sexy, willing, happy, and perfect girlfriend walk right out that door? Well, it's because you need to take into account your own self-respect when she leaves. Remember, she's the one who left you, so that basically gives you the right to walk away just as easily. Tell her that you accept the break-up and that you need your own space to heal and move on. When you tell her that you need your space away from her, she'll probably react angrily or be bent up over you not wanting to talk to her. This happens naturally because she's surprised that you're not trying to get her back into your life or trying to make things right by "fighting" for her in any way.
When you don't react to the break-up and refuse to contact her, she's going to do almost everything in her power to make you respond to her, or at least feel some sort of emotion towards her. She wants the validation of you pinning over her and she wants to know that you simply cannot live without her in your life. Typically guys fall for the smallest acts of "reaching out" and almost always chase after her once she's "opened the lines" for you. Opening the lines fall around these types of text messages:
"I missssss you."
"Hey, how've you been? Haven't talked too you in a while..."
"Hey, have you talked too X, Y or Z lately?"
"Where have you been stranger?? "
These are all examples of her reaching out too you in hopes of getting a reaction from you. These texts seriously have nothing to do with you. They're only there to make her feel better about herself when her fling falls out on her, her friends are ignoring her, or she's just "down" one day and thinks of you randomly.
DON'T FALL FOR THESE TEXT MESSAGES. DON'T RESPOND TO PHONE CALLS THAT SHE DOESN'T LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR. EVER.
Get it? Good
Okay, getting away from that topic, let's look at Twitter/Facebook/Online Social Networking sites in general. So, you've blocked her on alllll accounts and she's no longer a part of your social networking life, right? BUT... she's going to try to get a reaction out of you via online social networks, trust me. She's gonna post EVERYTHING on Twitter and Facebook. She say how happy she is without you, how amazing her life is without you being a part of it, how FANTASTIC everything is going for her. She's going to say these things REGARDLESS of how she's truly feeling. Sure she's gonna be hurt over you not wanting too see or talk to her, but she's gonna put on a huge front to hide all of her emotions. Hell, she's even gonna post pictures of her and this new guy she's getting with and how madly in love with him she is. She'll purposely take pictures of her and mutual friends of yours just so it shows up on your Facebook page EVEN when you've already blocked her.
DO NOT FALL FOR THESE PLOYS, SERIOUSLY.
Remember No Contact?? Hold onto that mother fucker as long as you can dude!! She's gonna attempt to put you through hell as much as she can, but so long as you have absolutely no reaction to her attempts, she has zero power of your general well-being... well, anything that she can see anyway. Make sure that you tell your friends and family to never mention her too you, never mention who she's talking too, with or seeing and never bring her up under any circumstances. It's only fair that, so long as you blocked her on all the sites you don't want too see her, you need to remove her from your real life thoughts, ideas and beliefs.
BELIEVE that you can do better than her.
BELIEVE that you can get more interesting and beautiful women to fall for you.
BELIEVE that you can achieve greatness and happiness WITHOUT her.
BELIEVE that you can self-improve to the point of changing into a better person.
BELIEVE that you can change yourself for you.
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
Really, it's not that hard to stay away from her and not contact her, it's just hard to drastically improve your overall well-being while she's off doing her own thing. Just stay away from her and stay away from reacting to anything that she does to hurt you or get your attention. No reaction is the best reaction.
Part 3: Self-improvement and Moving On
Now that you've gotten the tools and understand what you need to do in order to repel any idea of reaching out to your ex, you need something to do in your spare time.
Workout and get yourself in shape. After my break-up I went to the gym about 4 times a week for the next 3 months and gained 20 pounds of straight muscle. Physically work on your body and you'll start to see mental results sprouting out and you'll become more calm and content with the situation you've been placed in. I wasted so much time pinning and mourning my old relationship that I didn't realize what I needed to do was just FUCKING FOCUS ON MYSELF. FOCUS!!! When she comes into your head, go to the damn gym and force yourself to get bigger and bigger each day. Start up a plan at your local gym and talk to some personal trainers there, they'll help you get a plan going and help you focus on what you need to improve. Simply talk to some friends that lift, too. Get some perspective on how to improve your physical body. You can even do some tanning if you want, too (shut the fuck up, it makes you look BETTER than before, don't believe me? don't need too, I've got results to back it up). Anything that makes your body bigger and more ripped will bring more happiness to you and give you a better shot at attracting better-looking women. Go out there and get that bodybuilding bod going.
Change your style from the inside out. Go out and buy new clothes that are fitted and that look good on you. Don't have enough money to buy some designer shoes, shirts and jeans/shorts? Well, you should have a fucking job that supports your newly found amazing life without your ex. Once my ex left I bought new clothes left and right and got ideas and thoughts from people working at the Express store in the mall (that's a part of the process, TALK TO NEW FUCKING PEOPLE). I even had some women grabbing new clothes for me and saying "Try this one on!! It'll look good!" and so there ya go, it did look fucking amazing on me. Just changing my style made other women take a second look at me and that alone boosted my confidence and happiness.
READ BOOKS ON IMPROVING YOURSELF. I'll make a list at the end of this post, but you need to read new books that teach you about yourself. You may think that self-help books are for pussies, but honestly, if you're not honest with yourself and admit that you need some help in moving on, then you yourself have not made any progress at ALL and need to genuinely rethink your strategy. You wouldn't even be on this website if you didn't need some form of help here and there. Now take your time to read TONS of books on anything and everything that you're interested in, like spiritual growth, pick-up, soul-searching and how to become a better person in general. The idea is to learn from your mistakes and take into account what you can do better NOW AND NEXT TIME. Don't try to change the past. It won't work.
Talk to new people, meet new women and make friends. This one is a biggie. Once your ex leaves you, don't act like you don't have friends to fall back on. Guys, you know that you've been neglecting your close friends while you were with that she-devil, now go back to them and let them take you back in. With all this spare time on your hands, go out to the mall, grocery store, gym, etc. and any public place to have an excuse to talk to strangers. Talk to new people EVERYWHERE YOU FUCKING GO. I don't care if you need to walk across the street to talk to a beautiful woman. Get over there and get your god damn chat on!! Get rejected or shot down? Well now you have more experience for next time and can use that experience to learn from the past. You'll get better, trust me.
Okay, so that's basically the entire post in itself and that's how I view break-ups now. I enter relationships with self-happiness and leave it with self-happiness. You need to understand that not all relationships end up well and that you can't force someone to come back to you. If by the off-chance that your ex DOES come back to you, take into consideration everything you've learned over the months she's been away and decide whether she's worth going back to or not. And yes, you can go back to her and contact her ONLY AFTER YOU'RE COMPLETELY OVER THE RELATIONSHIP AND HAVE BECOME INDIFFERENT TOWARDS HER COMPLETELY. Seriously, if you reach out to her when you're still hurting or pinning over her, you'll overanalyze every damn thing she says or does to you. It's simply not worth it.
Oh, and as for cheaters - no. No second chance, continue to do the above but never return to her. SHE WILL CHEAT AGAIN. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Here's a list of books that helped me along my journey:
Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Magic Bullets by Nick Savoy (obviously)
The Game by Neil Strauss
...and basically any other books that look interesting and hold value for becoming a better person in general. Start working through your endeavors and goals AS SOON AS SHE LEAVES. Trust me, the faster you'll become indifferent and you never know what the future holds... keep moving forward.
Any questions or comments welcome and I'll expand on anything if you ask, just respond or PM me.
Keep it real, brothers.
All the best,
05-14-2012, 05:12 PM #2
That is a fantastic post! I wish I had this post a few months ago (took me a lot of reading in the relationship section to gather all that information)
Couldnt agree more with what you said.
Would also include not reacting to any of her friends. Dont bitch and moan about her to any mutual friends, or even your friends.
Complaing and insulting an ex always makes you sounds bitter/hurt. I think its better to either say nothing, or if there is no other option, to simply paint her/your relationship
in a positive light, and be "thankful" for the experience, and the good times...
Multiple Thumbs up for this thread. Should be a MUST READ before posting about a break up.
05-14-2012, 05:21 PM #3
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And great advice to anyone going through a break up.
Remember: whip the pussy, don't be pussy whipped.
Sent from my SGH-I727R using Tapatalk 2
05-14-2012, 07:54 PM #4
Some extra bits of advice that may help, broseidon...
One thing I did was get rid of EVERYTHING that reminded me of my ex. I deleted and blocked her friends (after fucking her best friend). pictures, gifts, everything should be gone. Gone. Gone. Get rid of it all, I cannot stress that enough.
Good post. Loser.
05-14-2012, 08:42 PM #5
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I wish I had this advice at the start of 12th grade. Would have saved me a lot of pain and stupid mistakes. I thought crying then insults would solve the problem but they just made it worse.
Haven't come close to making that mistake again.
Real good advice.
05-15-2012, 08:20 AM #6Originally Posted by VUDO;919741[B
The idea is to remain completely emotionless during the entire break-up and hold your confident and understanding frame. Women know how to play mind games better than men do, but men know how to ignore these games better than women do.
05-15-2012, 09:07 AM #7
One of my favorite rules for these situations comes from Tyler Perry (as Madea).
"When someone wants to walk out of your life, let them go."
I would like to add "Who Moved My Cheese?" by Spencer Johnson to the book list. It's a quick parable about the necessity of moving on.
05-15-2012, 10:25 PM #8
Yes! I wish I had this 6 years ago, but I was forced to learn the hard way...good shit.
05-16-2012, 02:44 AM #9
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This deserves to be in the Hall of Fame.
One thing to add: every relationship you have will end in this way, unless you dump her first - but you're not going to dump her first if the relationship is a good one. So what I'm saying is, every good relationship you have will end in this way. So, no point crying over it, it's inevitable, it's a part of having that good relationship.
I also think that a break-up is like how when you go on vacation, at some point you're going to have to pack your bags and head home. Home is where you belong, hopefully you come back there a better person having had some great times on the vacation, but you don't go round moping and wishing you could be back there, instead you start planning the next one.
05-16-2012, 01:00 PM #10
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