Is it okay for a gf to keep her ex FWB as a friend? - The Attraction Forums

GenePoole · #1 (**permalink**) 08-21-2008, 04:46 PM

Is it okay for a GF to keep her ex FWB as a friend?
I ask as it caused me some jealousy problems in a previous relationship.
Strikes me that it causes too many problems especially on the whole male competition thing.

Maybe it goes back to the whole girl emotional thing. They feel that they feel nothing for the man. Yet, the man thinks logically about what the other potential competitor would have been thinking in the first place.

sdnightfly · #2 (**permalink**) 08-22-2008, 02:53 AM

Is she insisting on having him around and putting ultimatums on you?

It depends on how long ago their arrangement was and if they're truly platonic friends with zero interest in sleeping with each other.

It helps if he's in a loving relationship with someone, and if you're just dating her, it doesn't matter, but if it's gone to another level, it can be an issue.

GenePoole · #3 (**permalink**) 08-23-2008, 03:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sdnightfly

Is she insisting on having him around and putting ultimatums on you?

No, she is quite insistent that she has no feelings for him but would still want to keep him as a friend and occasionally see him though if I don't want that then she'll cut contact. We are in an exclusive relationship.

Quote:

It depends on how long ago their arrangement was and if they're truly platonic friends with zero interest in sleeping with each other.

Many years but only a few times a year. I can't see how that is a platonic friendship. Once sex has happened, and a few times, I can only see the man looking on her as a sex object. She says they both respect the fact that when one of them was dating or in a relationship, they didn't approach each other but there is obviously a lingering feeling there otherwise it wouldn't keep happening.

Quote:

It helps if he's in a loving relationship with someone, and if you're just dating her, it doesn't matter, but if it's gone to another level, it can be an issue.

He doesn't want a relationship with her and I don't like him hanging around. I think I'm going to have to end it with her because of this.

GenePoole · #4 (**permalink**) 08-25-2008, 05:12 AM

GenePoole · #5 (**permalink**) 08-27-2008, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GenePoole

bump

any thoughts?

DESERT EAGLE · #6 (**permalink**) 08-29-2008, 11:37 PM

Get rid of her dude. If she really loved you and was all about you she wouldn't be thinking about any other guy. This chick is gonna hurt you one way or the other. You better bounce while you still have some dignity left. Then if you leave her either way it goes you win, she'll either beg for you to come back if she's really serious, in which case, you'll now have the upper hand as long as you don't mess it up. Or, she just lets you go, in which case, that will have confirmed she was full of shit all along and you wouldn't wanna be with her anyway.

GenePoole · #7 (**permalink**) 08-30-2008, 01:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DESERT EAGLE

Get rid of her dude. If she really loved you and was all about you she wouldn't be thinking about any other guy. This chick is gonna hurt you one way or the other. You better bounce while you still have some dignity left. Then if you leave her either way it goes you win, she'll either beg for you to come back if she's really serious, in which case, you'll now have the upper hand as long as you don't mess it up. Or, she just lets you go, in which case, that will have confirmed she was full of shit all along and you wouldn't wanna be with her anyway.

She's offered to not see these other people as friends. The problem is that a girls logic classifies them as friends when all I can see them as are men who used her for sex one time or another. They would again if they got a chance.
I'm sure she sees me as higher value than them but I simply don't like them hanging around.
She doesn't understand why I dumped her.

silversixone · #8 (**permalink**) 08-30-2008, 07:12 PM

It's simple. You dump her because keeping these guys around against your wishes in an exclusive relationship is disrespectful to you and to the relationship.

Silver

GenePoole · #9 (**permalink**) 08-31-2008, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silversixone

It's simple. You dump her because keeping these guys around against your wishes in an exclusive relationship is disrespectful to you and to the relationship.

Silver

She offered to cut contact with all of them, I just don't like the situation that's all. And I'm sure I'd see them again in the future just by accident as there are some friends of friends.

Any man who wanted her as a f buddy or one night stand won't be able to see her as anything else apart from a sex object and then there is me who is supposed to care more for her. I don't like these guys.

Better out of sight and out of mind ?

I'm not sure I agree with the whole f buddy thing anyway, which is strange since I am on these boards. At least if I had one, I wouldn't confuse it and think they were an actual friend of mine. Maybe it's just a woman's weird logic.

sdnightfly · #10 (**permalink**) 08-31-2008, 11:33 AM

I think if she can't be open with who her friends are and who she hangs out with, there's always going to be a trust issue. I would just tell her that I don't want her and him hanging out on their own, but I have no problem with him coming over. If you show that she's with you, are affectionate with her, and totally cool with him, he's usually going to lose interest. I'd bring up they slept together, but that's in the past, and this is now, and hopefully he's found a cool chick..maybe you know someone that he could hook up with.

I don't feel I should be the one deciding who she can or can't hang out with, any more than she would tell me. I just don't think that hiding friendships is a good thing.

It's never comfortable to meet guys who have fucked the girl you're with and saw her naked, but why show insecurity?

You don't have to AMOG with being better than him financially. Just AMOG with being the better man. It doesn't mean being "nice" and going along with everything she says, including her going off alone with guys drinking.

I would just tell her that she's the one who has to think about whether this is someone she wants to stay friends with, and I'd want to know why.

If she wouldn't want you to hang out with a girl you've had sex with, the same applies to her. You just think that as the relationship builds, you don't think that it's appropriate for them to be a part of her life. It's not a matter of dumping friends. A lot of guys have "single friends" that they just get together with and go out with, but wouldn't call them "true friends". Maybe they might come over here and there, but you don't feel all that close to them and usually when it comes to major events that impact your life, you wouldn't confide in them. An FB/FWB is a "single friend".

I don't think because she's been a FB/FWB with someone means anything, but you said this was over years... in a way that is a relationship but they are probably incompatible in a LTR.

I think as the relationship (if it's at that stage) over time, she should cut the connection with them, and in the meantime you should have them over if you have a get together, or socialize with them if you're invited to a party and they're there. The more you show that you are a great guy, get social proofed by her best friends, the less likely they're going to hang out.

But you might run into one that's kind of sleazy and manipulative. That's why it's always good to meet them. And you do have to hold back a lot on saying inappropriate things.

But having things in the open is always better when it comes to relationships.