Man right now I am feeling hurt, confused, all those things. It's so hard to describe until it's happened to you. It's so hard KNOWING (intellectually) what is going on and yet having so much inner-conflict. Why is it so hard to face the truth and avoid entertaining thoughts and actions that are obviously just going to get myself into more trouble in terms of dealing with this right now. I want to indulge the inclination to just forget what's been going on with us lately, including how she's been acting towards me and the fact that I don't think she's really into me anymore and just find a way to settle our differences. But I know it's probably not going to work that way. The only way we can stay together is if she's willing to, and I really doubt that's the case right now.
Basically, the story is that we've been dating for 8 months or so and in that time, I've probably made tons of typical AFC mistakes, namely taking on more of the female role of requiring reassurance, affection, etc. I don't think any of that had a role in this specific breakup, though. It all comes down to the complete inability for us to communicate and resolve issues constructively.
We literally can't ever resolve anything. If we have an issue that I bring to the forefront because it's a concern I have and something I want to address, she accuses me of "lecturing" her and never really gives me any satisfaction that she has heard me out. If she has an issue that she brings up, I usually have a hard time getting past the personal attacks and the fact that the concern itself is usually an indictment of me or my character. We never resolve important things, only exhaust each other by arguing.
I just feel sick right now. I know intellectually that this relationship probably can't go anywhere and probably should end. She just graduated from the same school as me and doesn't know what she is doing next, including where she's going to move. I have one more semester at the same school.
On top of that uncertainty, she has a 4 year old kid (she's 25 and I'm 22) and although there's no baby daddy in the picture, she is extremely guarded about the topic of how she got a kid. She claims she's never shared the story with any of her friends and even dumped her last boyfriend because he wouldn't drop the issue. Funny enough, I really can't help but think that the last 3 weeks of us not really seeing each other or talking (basically not carrying on our relationship normally) have to be at least in part because of this. If she's actually that defensive about someone insisting on knowing how she has a child, then it would make sense to react this way, I guess. I've sort of tried to speculate, guess, etc. what the story could be, but I've categorically ruled out the possibility that she has the child because of rape or something like that. I pretty much think it was just a ONS or something and she doesn't want to spread that around.
3 weeks ago was the first time I explicitly brought up the whole issue of her never telling me the story of how she has a kid, and I gotta tell you, ever since then nothing has been the same. She reacted to that whole thing with a lot of anger and basically said I "should have told her that earlier" or something. I got the feeling that she was saying if it bothers me to have that mystery, then we shouldn't have pursued this relationship as long as we did.
I've had the feeling that she didn't think this relationship was going anywhere even before that, and I have it on semi-good authority that she even confided as much to one of her good friends, actually. Something to the effect that she just had to figure out how to end it or phase it out. That's what got me to confront her about the kid issue (and a whole lot of other stuff). I just wanted everything out on the table.
Well, 3 weeks of very little communication went by and I ended up sort of forcing this conversation today. Of course, nothing really got resolved and we both sort of agreed that we cannot get along, because we never work things out. So I kept trying to get her to admit that she's been thinking of breaking it off for a while, as there's no other way to explain the way she's been acting (I never let on that I suspected/heard what she told her friend). She wouldn't admit it.
But finally, almost out of nowhere there was like a sudden change. She pretty much suddenly claimed I kept pushing and pushing and THAT was what drove her to say it doesn't matter any more. So we've been having all these problems and gone all this time without really talking, and suddenly my insistence that she doesn't seem to want to be in this relationship is what drove her to admit she doesn't want to be in it any more?
In probably the most cold way I've ever known her to act towards me, she said she wanted to go to bed and I could "bitch at her more tomorrow." I was really pretty speechless. We're talking about this 8 month long relationship and all the serious issues we've been having and what I've been going through and she just wants to go to bed? She just suddenly made her mind up that quickly and only gives me the token answer that we'll talk tomorrow--for my benefit only, mind you--not to work anything out or for her to actually say anything.
I'm just facing this issue right now...should I even talk to her tomorrow? I'm 70% sure that if I don't contact her, she won't contact me. Do I just need closure? Do I need to say goodbye? What is the best thing for me to do for me? I'm really pretty sure now that she can't really care for me the way I care for her. It hurts, but the rational side of me can't deny it.
Putting aside any considerations for her, what should I do right now for me?
Honestly, I KNOW what a lot of you are going to say. That's the thing. I KNOW the whole GFTOW, etc, etc. Yes, I need to get back in the game. Yes, I need to build my skill set up and build back my
social circle. It doesn't help that she was my first in pretty much every meaningful way. She was my first f-close, my first adult relationship, etc. I WOULD say my first "love," but I never told her explicitly those three words, because frankly, she never told me. I don't know if that's even very relevant here, but I'm kind of just writing what's on my mind right now. Rationally, I really have to admit that she never "loved" me. Is it possible for a girl to be so closed off that she wouldn't say the words in an 8 month relationship if she felt that way?
God, this sucks. I don't want this. I really don't. It just hurts that she won't be straight with me. I've screwed up, that's for sure. But I don't know why this has happened the WAY it happened.
I am now starting to find myself entertain delusions that she will suddenly wake up and change her mind or something, and I hate that. I'm better than that.
- 
I think I'm going through my first real breakup
- 
Linear Mode
