Should I be angry? - The Attraction Forums

mradzz · #1 (**permalink**) 08-05-2008, 04:49 AM

I just tried to plan something for this weekend with my girlfriend. She cant do anything because she is spending the weekend with her friends that she met on holiday about a month ago (all guys).

Shes sleeping at one of these guys house. You all know what it feels like when you hear something like that from your girlfriend. I told her to have fun, no jealousy remarks or anything even though the thought of her sleeping at some other dudes house makes me want to vomit.

What pisses me off beyond anything, is that she didn't run it through me. I had to ask what she was doing, and she didnt ask if im ok with it. She just stated it as fact.

Do I act unaffected? Acting jealous and getting angry will show my insecurities, but it will also show that im not a doormat. Im stumped. What would you do?

Cheers

Sarge in Charge · #2 (**permalink**) 08-05-2008, 05:21 AM

Quote:

even though the thought of her sleeping at some other dudes house makes me want to vomit.

What pisses me off beyond anything, is that she didn't run it through me. I had to ask what she was doing, and she didnt ask if im ok with it. She just stated it as fact.

You are obviously NOT ok with it, why on earth did you pretend to be?

Quote:

Do I act unaffected? Acting jealous and getting angry will show my insecurities, but it will also show that im not a doormat.

You have to decide - do you not want her to go just because you are insecure OR do you not want her to go because it crosses your boundaries?

The difference between just being jealous and having values has been covered fairly extensively in quite a number of threads lately - theyv are NOT the same thing.

IF her behaviour IS unaccepable to YOU then it is VITAL that you man-up and call her on it!

Two side issues here:

1. There is also the element of you PROTECTING her. She's gonna be staying with a bunch of guys she knows more or less nothing about? How safe is it?

2. The fact that she did not even see fit to TELL you about it, let alone ask what you thought of it, is a concern. Unless you have established rules for your LTR that clearly define such behaviour as acceptable, she appears to hold your feelings and/or opinions in very little regard.

*Voytech* · #3 (**permalink**) 08-05-2008, 06:40 AM

I'd let her go and then just break up with her after the fact. If you're in an exclusive relationship spending the weekend at some guys place is not acceptable. It's not a matter of letting her do this or not, she should know better than to do this, and if she doesn't, why would you want to be with her in that sort of relationship?

Tell her you did some thinking and decided you don't just want to be exclusive with her anymore and explore other options in life.

Drago2002 · #4 (**permalink**) 08-05-2008, 07:00 AM

I know its easier said than done, but I must concur with Voytech on this one. The flip side though, is it sure opens up what you are able to get away with on your end. good luck man!

shady223 · #5 (**permalink**) 08-05-2008, 08:03 AM

it's not easy. the girl i was seeing did this, except they were her good guy friends, guys that i knew a little bit, but not enough to call them my friends.

you have to put your foot down if you're uncomfortable. if you act like you don't care, it's going to happen again...trust me. i would not wait until after she comes back to break up with her...tell her before she leaves that you don't approve, and see what she says.

BYZ · #6 (**permalink**) 08-05-2008, 08:12 AM

Thats not cool, not at all. These guys dont care that she has a boyfriend. They are going to be trying to get in her pants. It would drive me bonkers.

I just had an ex invite me to spend a weekend with her in Miami. I would have gone but already had plans. Than I find out that she has a boyfriend, who is a super jealous guy. I dont think it would have been cool for me to spend the weekend with her if we did anything or not.

Kind of the same situation, i dont think she would have cleared it with her man.

krytek · #7 (**permalink**) 08-05-2008, 08:35 AM

tell her before she goes that it's not OK. if you let her do something just one time and let her slide, she will think its OK and do it every time. don't let it become this way.

FemmeFatale · #8 (**permalink**) 08-05-2008, 08:34 PM

This is what you say (roughly, you can perhaps make it a little better)
"You're more then welcome to have as many guy friend as you wish...however, Ive had a think about it and im not ok with you spending the night there. It goes against my values and expectations, as its not something i would do and i would find it disrespectful. You're your own person babe and i cant make you do anything you dont want to do..nor do i want to.. but i think before you make any major decisions i think you deserve to know how i feel about it."This needs to be said VERY calmly..and if you cant say it calmly, then sms her ..
If she goes against this after you say this, shes not being respectful to you and you need to leave.. simply break off the relationship.. (you can easily get back together later if you wish, but you must provide a big consequence for her disrespect)

Vapor · #9 (**permalink**) 08-05-2008, 10:35 PM

FemmeFatale is right. A girl with a BF staying with a bunch of dudes she doesn't know very well is not appropriate for a woman in a monogamous relationship. It's also weird.

mradzz · #10 (**permalink**) 08-05-2008, 10:47 PM

Quote:

You have to decide - do you not want her to go just because you are insecure OR do you not want her to go because it crosses your boundaries?

Sarge, I don't want her to go because it definitely crosses my boundaries.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FemmeFatale

This is what you say (roughly, you can perhaps make it a little better)
"You're more then welcome to have as many guy friend as you wish...however, Ive had a think about it and im not ok with you spending the night there. It goes against my values and expectations, as its not something i would do and i would find it disrespectful. You're your own person babe and i cant make you do anything you dont want to do..nor do i want to.. but i think before you make any major decisions i think you deserve to know how i feel about it."This needs to be said VERY calmly..and if you cant say it calmly, then sms her ..
If she goes against this after you say this, shes not being respectful to you and you need to leave.. simply break off the relationship.. (you can easily get back together later if you wish, but you must provide a big consequence for her disrespect)

FemmeFatale....solid advice! Thankyou.
Before I read your reply, I told her that Im not ok with it. I told her that as my girlfriend, I also expect her to bring things like this up with me. (I said this in a very calm way)

Then she said "Yeh, I thought you wouldnt be cool with it", and assured me that they're really good friends, almost family to her. She tried to make me smile, and I just looked at her as though i was thinking "are you serious?" and she got up and walked off. (This was at a mates gathering)

Then later on, this is what I said word for word. "Babe, I dont want to stop you doing what you want. You know where I stand and Im not ok with it. The balls in your court." (also in a calm manner) and I left it at that...

Pretty much what you suggested to say. So now we wait....

And I totally agree that if she goes, there will have to be consequences for her disrespect, and even though I'm head over heals for this girl, I'm not afraid to walk away If I have to.

What do you think?

Cheers