5 year relationship...not sure if i should stay or go. Help!

Lissy64 · #1 (**permalink**) 07-21-2008, 07:13 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years now, and up until recently it wasn't a very good/healthy one. We had issues of loss of sex drive, feelings for other people, lots of fighting etc but stuck together because we were really in love with each other, despite our problems.

We broke up briefly about 3 months ago, and while I was a mess my boyfriend was pretty much fine, having a ball with his friends and being interested in dating other girls. We ended up getting back together since I was so upset and couldn't stand being without him, he was quite controlling and i believed that all of our problems were a result of me and worked very hard to try and make sure I was perfect all the time.

Until about 2 weeks ago i was doing this and not getting a better response from him, we were still fighting and I was feeling terrible so I tried to break up with him, thinking even if i still loved him i didn't want a relationship like that. He completely broke down and apologised for everything, saying he knew it wasn't me and he was sorry that he blamed me for everything and didn't want us to break up. Since then he has been an angel, loving and accepting and wonderful.

But now i'm worried about a number of things. Whether he will stay this way? Whether there is happiness for me with someone else? Whether I still love him the way i did before? I'm only 21 and i know there are many years ahead of me for love, i just dont want to let him go or stay forever (he wants to marry me) without knowing for sure.

Does anyone have any advice or have been in a similar situation? I'm really at my wits end about this! I've never been so confused!

Slick101 · #2 (**permalink**) 07-21-2008, 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lissy64

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years now, and up until recently it wasn't a very good/healthy one. We had issues of loss of sex drive, feelings for other people, lots of fighting etc but stuck together because we were really in love with each other, despite our problems.

We broke up briefly about 3 months ago, and while I was a mess my boyfriend was pretty much fine, having a ball with his friends and being interested in dating other girls. We ended up getting back together since I was so upset and couldn't stand being without him, he was quite controlling and i believed that all of our problems were a result of me and worked very hard to try and make sure I was perfect all the time.

Until about 2 weeks ago i was doing this and not getting a better response from him, we were still fighting and I was feeling terrible so I tried to break up with him, thinking even if i still loved him i didn't want a relationship like that. He completely broke down and apologised for everything, saying he knew it wasn't me and he was sorry that he blamed me for everything and didn't want us to break up. Since then he has been an angel, loving and accepting and wonderful.

But now i'm worried about a number of things. Whether he will stay this way? Whether there is happiness for me with someone else? Whether I still love him the way i did before? I'm only 21 and i know there are many years ahead of me for love, i just dont want to let him go or stay forever (he wants to marry me) without knowing for sure.

Does anyone have any advice or have been in a similar situation? I'm really at my wits end about this! I've never been so confused!

Im in the same exact situation as you... but Im a guy tho,.... dating a girl... 11 months... as I have been searching for help I have noticed one thing....

A Pattern!

There are ALOT of people that are in the same kind of situations as us.... Detailed diff... But same principle...

Tell him how you feel.... best way to deal is tell him what you just posted here...
ASAp... it will make you feel better...

Good Luck

Lissy64 · #3 (**permalink**) 07-21-2008, 09:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slick101

Im in the same exact situation as you... but Im a guy tho,.... dating a girl... 11 months... as I have been searching for help I have noticed one thing....

A Pattern!

There are ALOT of people that are in the same kind of situations as us.... Detailed diff... But same principle...

Tell him how you feel.... best way to deal is tell him what you just posted here...
ASAp... it will make you feel better...

Good Luck

Sorry to hear about you going through this too!

I did tell him how i felt and he assured me that he is going to stay the way he is now, i'm just unsure of how i feel or what i should do from here!

I will continue to try!

cyse · #4 (**permalink**) 07-21-2008, 11:56 PM

Ummm....how about breaking up?...
If hese not going to change, then why would you want to continue being with him?....
You say you guys love each other, but if he really loved you, he wouldn't hurt you...
IMHO, its time to go...

sdnightfly · #5 (**permalink**) 07-22-2008, 12:32 AM

Once you break up, even if it's for a short period of time, I think it's even harder to keep it going if you decide to get back together.

You're both comfortable with each other because you have a lot of history, but honestly, are you happy?

You have expectations of him being a certain way - your way - and he has to live up to your expectactions.

He became controlling as a result of you being needy. Male or female, being needy is bad even though it can feed egos.

It's not realistic for him to continue being an "angel" as you put it. He has to be himself and so do you. You can play nice for only so long.

In an LTR the one thing you learn is the best way to deal with conflicts is taking care of them immediately.

The things to worry about - if you got pregnant right now, is this someone who is going to provide? Does he know what he wants in life? Do you know what you want in life?

Most problems in relationships usually aren't due to just one person.

Sarge in Charge · #6 (**permalink**) 07-22-2008, 12:44 AM

So in summary:

You guys are together for five years in what you refer to as an unhealthy relationship.
You guys break up, he seems unaffected and parties like an animal, you decide you can't be wothout him
Get back together
This time YOU threaten to leave - he breaks down and decides he can't be without YOU anymore

Do you notice anything here?

You guys are two co-dependant peas in one co-dependant pod. You are both dependant on the relationship and each other for validation, identity, and self worth. In short - you are both too needy.

And for as long as it remains that way your relationship will continuously play out the same drama.

And its not the relationship that has to be fixed - its the two of you. Hey, its a lesson that everyone has to learn at some time or another.

It is possible to do it together but not probable.

Harlequin · #7 (**permalink**) 07-22-2008, 12:50 AM

Let me set the tone here.

On August 1st it will be five years to the day that I've had the pleasure of knowing Columbine. My equal, a fiery redhead with a mind to match her body.

Our shared sense of humour & our many traditions coupled with the kind of sex that threatens to have us banned from our favourite hotels... well, that's all very well for our union. But what it really comes down to is simply love & respect. If I tried to control her I wouldn't be respecting her. If I tried to own her I would lose her. Same thing with her to me. We're totally independent but our union enriches us all the more. You should look at Relationships, Synergy & Dependence by Rain. An amazing post that says it all.

I'm not saying it's been perfect, we've been through some of the worst things lovers can go through, things that have required time & healing. The anguish of miscarriage. motorbike accidents. Financial messes & secrets.

And our arguments? Our arguments would make us a fortune if they were televised. They fear apologies as we can genuinely relate to each other's view & although we're both very assertive & determined people, our love or our laughter always get the better of us.

I have a constantly growing respect for her & after five years the same passion is there that was there the first time our shadows merged from candle light. So what I want to ask you is.

Do you respect him? And do you think he respects you? Or just fears losing you? Would he let you go where ever you wanted to go? Let you live your life without restriction? If he would let you go then his love is real. If not...

My last questions for you are: who would you be without him in your life?
Do you think you would end up stronger or worse off?

I think it's time to call it a day & move forward to the journey ahead.

Edit: great advice from Sarge there. Top stuff. Basically said the same thing I communicated in less than half the time.

BigDuke6 · #8 (**permalink**) 07-22-2008, 07:41 AM

You've been with him since the age of 16? Next.

Keldas · #9 (**permalink**) 07-24-2008, 01:31 PM

If you're asking the question then clearly something is deeply wrong. These kinds of thoughts would never cross the mind of someone who was truly happy in their relationship. Do you want to be one of the millions of people out there living a compromised shitty relationship because you are afraid of being on your own? Find someone who really cares about you and can give you the love you deserve.

LGFUAD · #10 (**permalink**) 08-05-2008, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigDuke6

You've been with him since the age of 16? Next.

+1...

that should almost be enough cause there but as Sarge in Charge and Harlequin pointed out the relationship's seemed to be a bad one so why do you want to stay in it?