The Difficult Act of Giving A Girl Space (Part 2)

[_Cane_]

Thanks for all the replies to part one. In part one we discussed giving a girl space regarding her whereabouts/social events, how she acts around other guys and/or friends, and her need for validations from people other than her boyfriend. There are many ways that you need to give a girl space in order to ensure a healthy dynamic to exist between you and her. I've been wanting to write a part 2 for some time, and this time I'd like to discuss giving her space regarding physical intimacy.

Before I open this discussion, I'd like to disclaim that I am not an instructor of any kind, nor do I consider myself an expert on any subject. The thoughts expressed herein are soley based on my personal experience during my relationships, both with my girlfriend, and with other girls. Your additional experiences, opinions, and disagreements are welcome and encouraged.

When we talk about gaming girls, generally were talking about aquiring them. But what about once we've already got the girl we want? I like to think that your no longer "gaming" her. But you DO need to game the relationship in order to make sure that its one that is satisfying for all parties and prevents her desire to leave the relationship.

One thing that I have been guilty of in my life is playing the female role in a relationship in many different ways. One way that I have done that in the past is by being so physically clingy. It was common for me to initiate affection with my girl very often. This was counter-productive to developing that healthy dynamic. If you want your girl to feel a strong sexual attraction to you, and to crave your touch, then you cannot be the guy who is always trying to get affection out of her. I call this physical clingyness.

When my girlfriend would wash the dishes, I'd come up behind her and wrap my arms around her and kiss her neck. Logic tells me that she should love feeling my affection, because affection is a positive thing right? Logic says it would make her feel good right? Nope. She would shrug me off and say that she has work that she needs to get done. Sure she needed work to get done, but the underlying problem was that I was giving her too much affection, too often. Simple supply and demand. Typically people desire what they lack, and under appreciate what they have.

Too much affection displayed by a male is a sign of weakness to a woman. It shows that you are needy. It drains her attraction energy. At some point, your touch will become so familiar that it is boring and at times an annoyance.

"CAne! This is the situation I am in! The physical affection my girlfriend/wife has been giving me is lessening by the minute!"

Well theres a simple solution, but it does take some will power. It takes restraint. One of my favorite feelings is the feeling of clarity. When someone writes something in a way that makes you say "AHHH! I get it!". So rather then re-invent the wheel, I'll quote Dahunter. "Give her the give of missing you." This time I'm not just applying that to how often I see her. Apply this concept to your physical actions too. Do not push her away though. Just wait for her to be the initiator. Let her come to YOU. Then tickle her, etc.. Be playful with her... Reward her for coming to you with affection. Also it is important to give enough to her to show that you are interested, but not too much so that she is completely satisfied.

Think of it like food. There are people who eat small meals, just enough to quench that hunger. Those people get hungry more often, some eat 5-6 meals a day! Coincidentally, this is a more healthy way to eat! Now there are also people who eat until they are full and then some. These guys get hungry less often but need to eat more. Then when they are full, food is the last thing they want.. These are the people whos eating habits are unhealthy.

A relationship is similar. She should be the one to initiate intimacy most often. I'd say even at a 70/30 rate. Maybe more. If you give her small amounts of affection when she is hungry, she will come back more often. If you give her too much, she will get full and getting more affection is the last thing on her mind.

Also when she is giving you affection, body language is important. Be like Cajun on Keys to the Vip. Be semi-passive in sub-text. His body language says.. "I don't need anything from you." You should be the same way when she is chasing your affection. Don't be gitty or what I call "Mr. Grabby Hands". If everytime she comes to you with affection, and you suddenly get horny from it and want to have sex, then you are literally training her to not come to you with affection unless she is horny. This is bad. You don't want that. If you create a strong enough need in her for your affection, the need for sex will follow just the same.

The idea is not to completely starve her, but starve her enough so that she initiates intimacy more often then you do. "Cane... Your wrong, starving her sounds like its not satisfying for her. I love her and I want her to be happy. This idea sounds selfish." Trust me. She wants to feel that desire for your affection as much as you desire her affection, probably more because women are more emotional and your touch is a gateway for her to connect with those emotions.

What do you think is more satifying for her? To be clingy and make her bored with your affection? Or to make her CRAVE it and love every second of it?

So man up and give her that gift of missing your touch, and with a little time, you'll be getting what you want to. Validation. A womans affection is the strongest form of validation for most men. Thats why your being clingy!

Just something I've thought about lately and have instituted into my relationship. The result is that I have a much more solid position as HER man and I can tell that she is much happier.


Get em boys..


Cane

[Mooks]

Ahhh dude... Had I known you were going to tackle this in your part 2, I would have saved it.

Here it is again from your part 1. It basically points out all the pros of implementing exactly what you're talking about. The more I think about it, it is quite similar with the Abundance mindset that DeadEyeDick advises. This just shows how well it works within a relationship.

I posted this in response to a recent thread and I think it ties in to what you're talking about. Perhaps not so much about letting girls go out so they can get hit on and therefore validated, but moreso for when the two of you are together. Validation from YOU rather than others.

Rather than looking at it as "Giving the girl space", think of it from YOUR perspective as "Having a strong frame of a confident non-neediness".

My point on this has to do with initiating affection and the dangers of potentially smothering a girl. If you are always the one initiating the affection, she will start to see you as needy. There's nothing wrong with initiating it once in awhile, but if you find yourself always being that guy, you may end up suffocating, or smothering her with your neediness.

On the other hand, if you allow her to be the initiator of affection (by giving her the space to do so) and you reward that good behaviour with affection in return, that tells her a few things about the situation.

1. you aren't a needy wuss that just has to initiate the affection.
2. consider it a test on her part as to whether or not she is "attractive" to you still. -- she initiates, you engage -- basic rapport stuff.
3. if you do engage, she will feel attractive. Sometimes women like to feel like she still "has it" ya know... like her feminine charms are still working on you. (Kinda the same as point 2)
4. It's so much easier rewarding her for her good behaviour, rather than spending so much energy trying to do it the other way around.
5. It proves to you that she is still invested in the relationship.

6. This is more of an example, but I am dating this girl right now and because of all of the above, whenever I suggest something mundane to do(on purpose), she looks at me with these fuck me eyes and quite literally asks "Can we have sex?", but in the cutest, most playful voice as if that's the only way she's gonna get it from me. She recently started calling it canoodling. It almost threw me when she started using that word, but I think it's cute now. Oh, and often, I'll respond with "Sex??? Again?!??" and she eats it up...

M

[linkx]

dude idk if it was me who made u continue it but im gald u did BIGGGG probs to you double maybe tripple its the best advice ever and yet you never put words in my mouth EXELENT!
Validation Cant the world just be easy? Then wheres the fun in that??.......God were brainwashed!

[arrjey]

An excellent post. I am bumping this thread (over a month old).

Any opinions on how this works in long long term? over years? Any real experiences of this working over years in a relationship?

[nuuro]

this just explained a hell of a lot to me. thank you.

[PLorenzo]

I've lost count on how many times I've said to myself, "I wish I found the seduction community years ago, it may have helped me save my five year relationship" but this is definitely one of those moments. Very insightful post. Love it!

[soapboxdriver]

hey... a few days back i wrote because i've been having some problems with my LTR, but luckily most of them were solved with an honest talk

however, one's been bugging me and it's sex related... we both live at our parents house and so i've taken every chance we've got to have sex with her... however..., her brother moved back to her house and now we don't have a place for intimacy

so slowly, we were having less and less sex, and now, it's reduced from 3 times to once per week (partly because she was a month late last month and she's afraid of getting pregnant, but i'm sure that fear will pass) and partly because she says she never had a strong sex drive and having sex once in a while is enough for her

now, i know she isn't cheating on me for sure, so i'm wondering if you think that letting her initiate affection (which i usually always do) could help us reignite the flames?

ps. even though i don't want to, having sex only once a week is not acceptable for me, so, should i just break up with her and find someone who feels the same way as i do?

[Mooks]

There are ways of getting around these things. It is your job to lead and "create" more interesting ways (and places) for her to jump all over you.

It's one thing to initiate the intimacy, but it's an entirely different thing for you to set up the environment which makes it easy for her to initiate.

Now this doesn't mean a fancy dinner with candles and all that other b.s. it just means time where you and her are alone so that she is comfortable initiating intimacy.

It sounds to me like that you need to be more creative. She's not going to "logically" suggest a place to go so she can, or lead you to that place... That's all on you my friend.

[Mr.Chester]

So I have an interesting situation.

I was in a relationship with this girl for 2 years. She is the love of my life and the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know that sounds bad, but its the truth.

The problem: I treated her like shit. Broke up with her multiple times, kicked her out, begged her to come back, just to do the same thing. Turns out I had serious mental problems for which I am seeing a therapist and taking medications. I am much better now.

She finally had enough and got her own place. Since I have been working on ME I have realized how stupid I was and that I love her and I do not want to lose her for good. The thing is I fear it might be too late. We have recently been hanging out everyday and things have been going well and I thought they were getting better. Although she still claims she wants her space, she still wants to hang out all the time.

We lay in bed together watching TV and when I try to put my arm around her she tell me I am smothering her. Then not 10-15 minutes later she rolls over and hugs me and puts her head on my chest. This happens all the time in different ways. She will reach out and hold my hand and in the same night when I do the same to her she pulls her hand away. In the same day that we go out and have lunch and joke around and laugh and have a great time, when I drop her off at her place she tells me that maybe we are spending too much time together. She tells me that she sees herself with me and that she still loves and cares for me(and I see it in her eyes that she does, and the way she holds me, when she initiates, I know she does), but then she tells me that she doesnt feel the same way about me in the same conversation.

Also, in the time that we were apart(about a week or so) she met some guy(a guy that I have known for a long time and I introduced her to) and she told me she made out with him once but it was just weird and she probably wont see him again. Yet she wont kiss me, at all. Yet we still had sex twice. But no kissing. She told me that kissing is deep and meaningful for her, but she will kiss that chump and not me.

I understand that she is scared to get back into a relationship with me because she is scared I will go back to my old ways. She is obviously very very confused. But at the same time she is confusing the shit out of me and I feel like she is toying with my emotions.

Bottom line, I know that we still really love each other and I know that we will be back together eventually, but with all these mixed signals my head is spinning.

What the hell should I do? HELP!!!!!

[PLorenzo]

Sounds to me like you are doing everything you can do. Which is wait for her to initiate the steps to getting back together. Sounds like every time you guys do something affectionate or anything that pertains to being a relationship she gets scared and says, "Whoa! Hey let's back up a bit. This is a little too much. I'm not ready. I don't know if I can trust you again just yet."