The Difficult Act of Giving A Girl Space

[jiggatycoon]

Sdnightfly,

To clarify, if you are in a monogamous relationship with a woman and she tells you that she went home with some guy and had sex with him, but never intends to have contact with him, you'll let it go and expect her to just never do it again and things will be fine?

Sounds like an invitation to just not tell you about it in the future and letting her know she can get away with arguably a lot more than most guys would tolerate.

[Mooks]

I posted this in response to a recent thread and I think it ties in to what you're talking about. Perhaps not so much about letting girls go out so they can get hit on and therefore validated, but moreso for when the two of you are together. Validation from YOU rather than others.

Rather than looking at it as "Giving the girl space", think of it from YOUR perspective as "Having a strong frame of a confident non-neediness".

My point on this has to do with initiating affection and the dangers of potentially smothering a girl. If you are always the one initiating the affection, she will start to see you as needy. There's nothing wrong with initiating it once in awhile, but if you find yourself always being that guy, you may end up suffocating, or smothering her with your neediness.

On the other hand, if you allow her to be the initiator of affection (by giving her the space to do so) and you reward that good behaviour with affection in return, that tells her a few things about the situation.

1. you aren't a needy wuss that just has to initiate the affection.
2. consider it a test on her part as to whether or not she is "attractive" to you still. -- she initiates, you engage -- basic rapport stuff.
3. if you do engage, she will feel attractive. Sometimes women like to feel like she still "has it" ya know... like her feminine charms are still working on you. (Kinda the same as point 2)
4. It's so much easier rewarding her for her good behaviour, rather than spending so much energy trying to do it the other way around.
5. It proves to you that she is still invested in the relationship.

6. This is more of an example, but I am dating this girl right now and because of all of the above, whenever I suggest something mundane to do(on purpose), she looks at me with these fuck me eyes and quite literally asks "Can we have sex?", but in the cutest, most playful voice as if that's the only way she's gonna get it from me. She recently started calling it canoodling. It almost threw me when she started using that word, but I think it's cute now. Oh, and often, I'll respond with "Sex??? Again?!??" and she eats it up...

M

[linkx]

basicly i just got done going a lil overboard with what acually needed to be sayed, but its beacuse i found that she is back with her ex who "proved himself" all the while i was on the phone iming and haveing her lead me on...i can tell shes haveing a very hard time desideing her ex of idc how many days years or w/e hes an ass to her and doesnt show her enouhg care! ...this gurl i care more then macing on, long story short i told her how i felt and used im in love with u cuzz it was in the sper...now we were together in 2006 and she just facebooked confrmed quesioned "we were together in 2006 and are now close" sumin i forgot and cant bring it up....this is gonna be funny but she stays in the house of a kid who she calls creepy emo kid....he cuts himself in front of her cuss she wont go out with him, i dont really think with emo boy i could ever go into smothering, or its damn hard! so im ok just recovering my damage control! "this is the last message following a bad night,""""""I need to clear a few things up;

#1 Im not in love with you, BUT i DO love you!
#2 I will always be here for you! Anytime you need to talk to anyone you can talk to me!
#3 You do your thing gurl! I cant make you do anything, but i Will support you in your desisions in life!""""""" idk if that was good or not but i know it wasnt bad! im now just waiting the time out to show her she hurt me! any opioinon? ideas comment feel free to ask anything ur missing! i have worked mostly online so emothinaly im not there, phone helps but it can be faked i cant see her cuzz of shit message me fo futher expains!

[_Cane_]

I have a good example I want to point out. Its semi-extreme, but it should be helpful.

Remember how Hilary Clinton reacted to finding out that Bill Clinton had an affair? She remained so calm and composed. She became so inspiring to women and men alike. She played the politics so damn geniously. Her frame was so fucking strong during this time that the entire United States considered her the ideal role model for wifes and families. What could have been a disaster for her frame, got turned into a HUGE DHV. She manipulated his mistake to be advantagous to her frame. fucking amazing.. I'll never forget how she handled it.

It doesn't really have to do with giving space, but it does have to do with Bill's need for self-validation and how she gave him space to deal with it, even though its obvious that what he did was horrible. (I'm not saying let your girl cheat on you.. but its an inspiring story IMO)

anyways, I'm gonna write part 2 right now (giving a girl space from a physical sense).

[linkx]

Originally Posted by _Cane_

I have a good example I want to point out. Its semi-extreme, but it should be helpful.

Remember how Hilary Clinton reacted to finding out that Bill Clinton had an affair? She remained so calm and composed. She became so inspiring to women and men alike. She played the politics so damn geniously. Her frame was so fucking strong during this time that the entire United States considered her the ideal role model for wifes and families. What could have been a disaster for her frame, got turned into a HUGE DHV. She manipulated his mistake to be advantagous to her frame. fucking amazing.. I'll never forget how she handled it.

It doesn't really have to do with giving space, but it does have to do with Bill's need for self-validation and how she gave him space to deal with it, even though its obvious that what he did was horrible. (I'm not saying let your girl cheat on you.. but its an inspiring story IMO)

anyways, I'm gonna write part 2 right now (giving a girl space from a physical sense).

im sorry if i affend any one but please NEVER talk about politics again when reffreing to gameing....espeically that SON OFA B hillary... WE SOULD THROW HER IN JAIL for evadeing justice.....wonder wtf im talking about....go look up peter paul and hillary clinton, why she stol money form him after hew donated and had him thrown in jail, had 3 jurrys rigged, and how we dont know about this medicly! #2 hillary has people ask her designated questions that are speficyed as a collage student! #3 she purposely stands herself next to peole whom make her LOOK GOOD! and the whole bill clinton being a cheat and her still staying with him was MOST likely a scandel to avoid something big! YOU DO know all cover ups are covering something totally different! why do u think we spam media with politics #1 we need it and #2 get our thouhgts off of the war! so next time u try to compaire a politic with anything to do with human nature i laugh.....we cant trust politics to desifer what color we should choose as our background to your computer screen! DO U REALLY beive you would do the same in her position? i wouldnt!

ps: when mentioning politics it brings a very bad vibe to alot of ppl hints me! lol please jsut leave the drama causeing policz out of this forum!

[Bobby]

I’m with my girlfriend for over a year now.
I had always handled the freedom & space question like this:
She could go where she wanted to with whom she wanted to.
It didn’t even interest me muchly.
I’m not a jealous guy and giving her space has many benefits as Cane had written above so I was really okay with this.

However, when I thought about my whole attitude concerning this before a month, I realized that it was like my girl and I were just friends (outside the sexual aspect) and not a couple.

There were situations like this:
Me: “What are you going to do tonight?”
Her “I want to go to the club with (…)”
Me: “Okay cool maybe I’ll meet you there”
Her: “Fine!”

When I reminisce about this it just seems strange to me.

I stated the rule that she wont go to the club without me. Further she wont meet any of her guy “friends” no more. (I don’t have to tell you that friendship between a hot girl and a man doesn’t exist.)
It’s not jealousy.
It’s the fact that she is my girl and I don’t want anyone to hit on her.
I told her – didn’t forbid! – my reasons why I don’t want her to go to the club without me or hang with other guys and she agreed instantly. I even had the impression that she was really attracted by this.
She told me later that she always had missed something like this in our relationship and that it had felt like I was her best friend and not her man.

Sometimes I’m still torn between this attitudes, though.

I don’t want to take her freedom but shes my girl and I don’t want other guys to hit on her and I want her to know this.

I’d like to hear your opinions on this!

[Emi]

Bobby,

You have been with her for one year. I think you have lost your frame completely. You are right that you two are friends now. When I read your conversation with you girl, I would personally expect from her to ask if I want to come or not?

Bobby: "What are you going to doing tonight?" ---> This means whatever you are doing tonight, I am not part of it! Then, you say I feel more like freinds instead of couples. You are right, you are friends my man....

One more thing: No problem or issues in relationships ALWAYS cause or make women believe there are problems or issues in relationships . (it's in their logical drive)

[Bobby]

Emi, if you'd know us you would see, that it's not so

besides you misunterstood one thing:
it had felt like we were friends BEFORE the new rules.
those rules have caused a feeling of us being a couple.

but thats not the point anyways man... which attitude do you have on the freedom issue?

[_Cane_]

Originally Posted by Bobby

I’m with my girlfriend for over a year now.
I had always handled the freedom & space question like this:
She could go where she wanted to with whom she wanted to.
It didn’t even interest me muchly.
I’m not a jealous guy and giving her space has many benefits as Cane had written above so I was really okay with this.

However, when I thought about my whole attitude concerning this before a month, I realized that it was like my girl and I were just friends (outside the sexual aspect) and not a couple.

There were situations like this:
Me: “What are you going to do tonight?”
Her “I want to go to the club with (…)”
Me: “Okay cool maybe I’ll meet you there”
Her: “Fine!”

When I reminisce about this it just seems strange to me.

I stated the rule that she wont go to the club without me. Further she wont meet any of her guy “friends” no more. (I don’t have to tell you that friendship between a hot girl and a man doesn’t exist.)
It’s not jealousy.
It’s the fact that she is my girl and I don’t want anyone to hit on her.
I told her – didn’t forbid! – my reasons why I don’t want her to go to the club without me or hang with other guys and she agreed instantly. I even had the impression that she was really attracted by this.
She told me later that she always had missed something like this in our relationship and that it had felt like I was her best friend and not her man.

Sometimes I’m still torn between this attitudes, though.

I don’t want to take her freedom but shes my girl and I don’t want other guys to hit on her and I want her to know this.

I’d like to hear your opinions on this!

Well, I have my own opinions first of all by placing "rules" in a relationship. It has a poor context to it. In my opinion, you can't officially tell a girl what to do and what not to. This is where your communication skills come are very helpful. You should communicate to her what your comfortable with and encourage her to have the type of lifestyle that you'd prefer in your girlfriend. If you set blatent rules as if your the hand of god, she will constantly challenge your frame to no end. Your going to be in a never ending battle and always pissed off because she is always trying to do shit that you don't like. Theres better ways to go about this.

Your right its not jealousy, its insecurity. Don't let your imagination get the best of you. Granted, people cheat, and do dumb shit. But letting her out of your sight is ok. You seem like the kind of guy (based on your post) that worries a lot while your not around your girlfriend (ie what is she up to, etc). This is not healthy, nor will it benefit your frame, nor will it prevent her from cheating.

Guys are going to hit on her, you can't prevent that. Sorry. I wish I could too, but you have to realize this isn't her fault. Rather then create a relationship where you're always watching over her or trying to jump in the way of this, let it happen. If you let her see these insecurities or paranoid attitudes then you will push her away.

You shouldn't have to tell her what to do or act protective all the time in order for her to feel like she belongs to you (ie more then friends). As your relationship goes on for longer and longer this will get old for her. She will challenge your "rules" more and more and more until the straw breaks the camel's back. This is why you have to give her a certain amount of freedom to make her choices. Encourage her to make the right choice, but then step back and let her make it on her own. If she makes one that your not ok with, then walk away. Your not having a mindset where you're willing to lose her. Instead of giving her the freedom to make a bad choice, your trying to make her choices for her (ie no clubs). This is so that you won't have to break up with her. Wrong mentality. If you restrict her this much, eventually she will choose freedom over you. She'll reason with herself 1,000,000 reasons why your not the right guy, your insecure, you don't let her have fun, bla bla bla blabla. I've seen it happen a million times. Happen to myself actually.

When guys hit on my girlfriend, I take it as a compliment. They want something I have... so ha ha biatches. Be confident. I step back and am like, hey man, if you can take her then more power to ya, as if I KNOW that she'd never leave me. This attitude is super attractive to girls. This is the biggest crack of all. Don't let guys abuse this, but don't be leaning over your girl's shoulder every 5 mins like a paranoid guy who is about to lose his prize.

YOU are the prize. YOU are not afraid to lose her.



Cane

(edit: p.s. The context in which you "set rules" is different for every girl too. Many girls are very strong framed and will be like "FUCK THAT, you can't tell me what to do!"... and a lot of that has to do with how they were raised and how their parents dealt with her while she grew up. Its just different how to handle different girls. Thats why I recommend working on your communication strategy. Game is large part is your ability to communicate with a girl in a way that benefits your goal. Setting a rule does not benefit your goal. Thats like putting on a bandaid. The bandaid itself does not heal the wound. It just covers it up. You have to heal the wound from the inside and eventually it will disappear.)

[qwerty77]

a pure gem cane, thanks for the post. i agree 100%...i think what you said resonates with a lot of us here