The Difficult Act of Giving A Girl Space

[_Cane_]

Originally Posted by Busted51

Ok my girl wants to go out and hang out with her "guy" friends.. Next thing i know she tells me the guy she was with tried to kiss her and she turned and gave him a cheek instead ? She says they do a little flirting.. what do i do ?

Dump her. Find a new girl. If she is your girlfriend and kissing other guys (even if its just on the cheek) then that is bad. And if she is bragging about this to you, then imagine what she is doing when your not around that she is NOT telling you about.

She could be trying to shit-test you but you just have to assume she is telling the truth and not playing games. If you let her get away with stuff like that then she will not respect you.

If you decide not to dump her, your only option is to go and make down some girls too. Last week I was at a bar where there was nothing but 9s. My girl I was with started ignoring me so that she could hang with her friends so I went to the bar and macked down 3 girls (hot hot girls) and I had them exaduratingly laughing etc.. 2 mins later my girl walks by and says "I'll wait in the car.." cuz she was jealous. Then I took her back to her house and had amazing sex with her. (wasn't the first time we did tho). If you create this situation for your girl then you might be able to salvage it. But honestly man, if a girl is that loose respect wise you might wanna just cut your losses..

this probably isn't very helpful so sorry for the quick reply

[TheRogue]

^ I disagree. It's not the girl's fault the guy tried to kiss her, so I wouldn't dump her for that. I agree that her telling you this is some sort of shit test. I'm actually not sure how I would handle this one. Find a way to remind her that you're high value and you're not gonna stick around if she gives you shit.

Rogue

[_Cane_]

Originally Posted by TheRogue

^ I disagree. It's not the girl's fault the guy tried to kiss her, so I wouldn't dump her for that. I agree that her telling you this is some sort of shit test. I'm actually not sure how I would handle this one. Find a way to remind her that you're high value and you're not gonna stick around if she gives you shit.

Rogue

Your right, it's not her fault he tried to kiss her. But it is her fault that she kissed him on the cheek "instead". Thats a cop out. Girls have been brushing off perv guys for most of their adult lives. She should have handled the situation better. If my GF is kissin other guys on the cheek then I'm gonna one-up her and make out with her best friend or somethin to pay her back the favor JK I'd just break up with her.

But seriously, this is the kinda shit most young girls do behind their BF's backs... the fact that she actually told you about it is probably a shit test and/or her way of letting you know that she is the prize. She is rubbing it in man. FUCK that shit. Flag on the field, half the distance to the goal..

I can see ya already trying to reason with yourself reasons why you SHOULDN'T dump her. Fine. I really care about my GF too. Your probably saying stuff like this:

- she felt so guilty that she just had to tell me (ya right, nice try)
- it was only on the cheek
- ive done other stuff that she doesn't know about
- etc..

stop doing that.. she fucked up.. punish her.. and thats a severe fuck up IMO and I would not tollerate that. IMO, she has backed you into a situation where you can't maintain your strong frame. Its impossible. She got physical with another guy man.. thats a zero tollerance type of action. She obviously already has very low respect for you and is obviously not that invested into the relationship (or she wouldn't have told u).

Its possible to DHV yourself and punish/reward and frame shit so that you "re-gain" your frame but in this situation that is more work then it sounds like this chick is worth..

cut her loose..

(p.s. take a look at the shit in your relationship that was wrong tha tmay have caused her to be willing to do stuff like this and learn from it)

[TheRogue]

I still don't get it. He kissed her on the cheek, not the other way around. How is it a girl's fault if a guy tries to kiss her? You might as well dump a girl who was raped for cheating on you.

She didn't cheat on him! So some guy tried to kiss her and she turned away. Guys hit on chicks all the time. It's validation. The guy is an orbiter, he made a move, and she rejected him. Dumping her over that shows serious insecurity.

Without knowing too much about the relationship, I'd guess that she was trying to tell him that "look, I'm still attractive (aka the prize)." He has to show her that yeah, you're cool, but so am I (and no, not by cheating on her cuz that's just lame).

My 2 cents,

Rogue

[Busted51]

thx rogue.. thats what i was thinking but why would she put herself in that position ?

to clarify.. She said that the boy went in for the kiss and she turned and he only got the cheek. She tells me she told him she has feelings for me and that he was crossing a boundery, but can i really believe she told him that ?

[jackpot1983]

Girls talk all the time about the guys theyre getting hit on. Plus I hate when the ex comes up. Oh yeh my ex send me a message today.
But yeah Ill have to agree on the "give her the gift of missing you" I do this so much, then they complain and say. Cant call? Cant say hi? (on AIM). with a mad/serious voice haha, I think it shows that youre a strong guy and youre not needy.
I think that when you have girl(friends) and your gf sees you talking to them it raises you value but damn they get jelaous, and then youre gf thinks youre cheating on her with them. Whats the best way to tell youre gf that we are just friends (the girl/friends and I)?
And also, what to say when she says, guess who texted me today? My ex!!!

PS great post

[HansKloss]

IMHO when ex sends a sms, i recommend just say something like "mhm" - you don`t care, that doesn`t affect you, sometimes girls say that on purpose to make You jealous.

You don`t have to convince your gf that some girl is just your friend. If u must, say "we`re just friends" - nothing more, because there`s nothing more in it. If she doesn`t believes you, that`s her DLV and her trust issues. That`s my view on those two situations.

[_Cane_]

Originally Posted by TheRogue

I still don't get it. He kissed her on the cheek, not the other way around. How is it a girl's fault if a guy tries to kiss her? You might as well dump a girl who was raped for cheating on you.

She didn't cheat on him! So some guy tried to kiss her and she turned away. Guys hit on chicks all the time. It's validation. The guy is an orbiter, he made a move, and she rejected him. Dumping her over that shows serious insecurity.

Without knowing too much about the relationship, I'd guess that she was trying to tell him that "look, I'm still attractive (aka the prize)." He has to show her that yeah, you're cool, but so am I (and no, not by cheating on her cuz that's just lame).

My 2 cents,

Rogue

Originally Posted by Buster51

thx rogue.. thats what i was thinking but why would she put herself in that position ?

to clarify.. She said that the boy went in for the kiss and she turned and he only got the cheek. She tells me she told him she has feelings for me and that he was crossing a boundery, but can i really believe she told him that ?

Buster51

Hey guys. Sorry for the late reply. I appologize and I seem to have misread/misunderstood your situation. I was under the impression that she said SHE was the one who kissed him on the cheek. I did not understand that HE was the one who kissed her.

There is obviously a huge difference between her saying "ok, just a kiss on the cheek tho.." (and then kissing him on the cheek) and the correct situation where HE tried to kiss her and she dodged it only getting a little cheek smooch. I would not fault her for some guy making a move like that. There will always be guys doing this kind of stuff to girls.. its unavoidable. I've walked through bars with my girl behind me, only to get to the other end where she claims that some guy behind her grabbed her ass as we walked by. (So now I let her walk in front of me so I can watch for it)


Anyhow, I look forward to writing a part 2 to this thread soon.. stay tuned!

[jiggatycoon]

Originally Posted by True Pimp

2) Find a way to treat your gf in a way that she thinks no one else will treat her, and set up a clear reward and punishment system: as long as she is faithful, you will continue to rock her world, but if she is, say, found to be kissing another dude or anything like that, the consequences will be so severe that it will not be worth the risk.

(I can elaborate on this more if anyone's interested)

I would like to hear more about this from anyone who might have some ideas.

[sdnightfly]

That's why trust has to be earned and not instantly assumed or given.

My definition of cheating involves more of an emotional connection. If a ONS is admitted immediately, I don't consider it cheating, if it's one time. I think you have to have a margin of error, otherwise you tempt fate and you wind up cheating. If it's ongoing, it's cheating. If it's platonic but feelings develop that are stronger than the person you're in a relationship with, it's cheating (she would say yes if she saw letters you kept dated after you started dating your LTR).

I think that it's important to maintain the social circles you had before you met each other, but also keep in mind that there might be one looking to make her unhappy because one of her friends might be bitter in life and wants her to be miserable too.

The deal with me has always been "go out with your friends, but behave as if I'm there". Part of it was knowing where we would both be and check in. I want to know she made it home ok and we could talk about any drama that went on that night. Or meet up.. This is in a relationship not a dating phase.

Temptations go beyond the nightclub..they go on at the gas station, the convenience store, the supermarket, at work, out to eat, out for coffee, out with her family...

And by the way, the more one worries about their partner cheating, the more they need to worry about themselves, because they're more likely to give in to it.

Originally Posted by _Cane_

I am posting this in the relationships section because I think it most heavily applies to LTRs.

One of the most difficult things to do is to give a girl the space she needs to not feel smothered by you. We all know that it is essentially impossible to prevent a woman from cheating on you. The emotional roller coaster that is the life of a woman provides men with some very difficult tasks. Among these tasks is the ability to keep a woman invested in the relationship and stable in her attraction to be a part of your life. Learning game makes it even more apparent to me that when engaged in a opportune scenario, most girls (if not all) are vulnerable to disloyal temptations. In my humble opinion, this is heavily caused by a womans drive/need to validate herself and lack of ability (in most women) to control her emotions.

So what can you do to prevent another guy from triggering those emotional moments that cause her to forget her associations with you? Nothing. You absolutely cannot shelter a woman into social slavery. This is something that I was certainly guilty of in the past. It is the age old argument between lovers where the jealously and insecurities take over and each person tries to instill limitations as to the social functions that each other may attend and to with whom. I remember throwing fit after fit when my LTR wanted to have nights out with her girlfriends. I knew guys would be hitting on them. And I knew that they were looking for male attention. For the longest time this caused issues with my inner game. I wondered, what am I doing that is not enough for her? Isn't my validation all she needs? And lately I have questioned the ideals behind why I tried to create the environment for my significant other in the first place. I have learned that woman need constant validation from both men and women alike. And there is no one person that can provide another with enough validation to sustain a healthy level of confidence and satisfaction in todays society.

Sheltering a woman can have some devastating consequences. For one, you are lowering your own value by telegraphing insecurity and neediness. This could eventually add fuel to the fire. She will become increasingly less attracted to you and it will only make for an easier theft by another male.

But lets look at this from a different angle. Sometimes it is very hard to reason with yourself a strong enough argument to put her well being before yours. By sheltering someone, your preventing them from living the fulfilling life that they desire. Your limiting their self-validation and causing their social skill set to melt away slowly. By all means, woman are hardwired to satisfy themselves by satisfying a male, but to use this reasoning to shelter her is immoral. Many guys have the attitude "well if she doesn't like it, theres 11 million others out there..". And they will put there foot down to force a woman to comply. Your selfishly starving the person you may care about most. Starving her from living the best life possible for her. What kind of way is that to treat someone you love?

Most importantly, you might put your foot down and eliminate 95% of the situations where she may be coerced to be unfaithful. But what happens during that last 5%? Your fucking yourself. Because she will be less prepared to exhibit emotional control, due to her lack of experience being confronted with these temptations. And sheltered women usually have LSE and partake in extreme validation seeking behaviors, right?

Its the same principle that parents make mistakes on when raising children. They shelter the children from the world out of fear of corruption. The result is a difficult adaptation when the child is finally released to his own freewill. Remember that home school kid acquaintance of yours that suffers from anti-social behavior and poor social calibration? That is what your doing to your LTR by choking her freewill and social freedom out of her.

By being passive about her desires to satisfy herself, I've noticed that it actually causes a girl's inner game to become more stable. She will seek validation less. For the most part, I think girls need to get hit on every now and then, just to shut up that little self-conscious person inside of them. Many girls don't cheat, and I think its because they don't feel the need to. Enough guys hit on them to shut up that little person inside of them. So they don't feel the need to take it to the extreme of cheating. For this reason, I have chosen to give my girls all the freedom they want to explore what they wish. I am not condoning disloyalty. But I am no longer going to try and stand in the way when a stampede of guys try for her affection.

I doubt this will prevent her from cheating entirely. But I think its the only thing a guy can really do to maintain a healthy lifestyle for her as well as minimize her need to be placed in situations where men are validating her.

I hope this is helpful for all my jealous friends out there. I am also writing this as a reminder to myself, to back off, and let her live her life.

If anyone has anything to add or dispute, please do, I look forward to any thoughts on this issue no matter how tangent.

Swift