did i mess up please help

[laza]

Alright so met this chika on FB ... and she is a HB7 or maybe even HB8 added her and she accepted ... so i wrote her this message please tell me what i did wrong here ...
"
hey hey,

how u doin ... most of my friends call me laz or lazarus ... studyinat the moment... usually go to club at Hq's on wed nights ... swish .. iso bar ... sometimes red square .. dont like it much there .. so what do u do .. where do u usually go ..??

Just read ur profile and you like beer ... wow that a first ive come across ... a girl that actually likes a good beer haha.. do u ever come on facebook chat ?? prob have a chat .. anyways ... im off ... hit me back... just to chat .. "

so what do youll think .. some feedback please ... thanks ...

[minuterice]

Yeah..thats TOO much..too fast I think you were bein a lil desperate n needy. you shoulda been playful and short.

like you don't have to tell her anything about you YET. in the future remain a lil mysterious or tell her things that will hook her into asking about YOU, rather than vise versa..in the initial message try to dhv subtle or just dhv with humour or MAD playfulness(but not immature of course)

good luck

[ChoriChori]

Everything is wrong.

[laza]

ok so what should i have told her ....???

[Mungojerry]

You are adorable. I want to adopt you as my pet kitten. How's it going?