Where are my profiles going wrong?

trackfire · #1 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 07:55 AM

Hey, everyone!

I know that this is a popular topic, but I've been posting profiles both on Craigslist and PoF (Plentyoffish.com), to very little success. I am able to get good communication going by messaging women (got a date for today and have another that's going in that direction), but I haven't gotten any emails from women as of yet.

I tried to frame myself as a pretty fun guy (because I am) that has lots of interest and a lot to offer, but maybe that's not what's coming across?

Let me know what you guys think!

Craigslist
Plentyoffish(POF)

PS: I'm going to try and remove the forum activity on the profile. I'm pretty sure that DOESN'T help me much.

Ita_vero · #2 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trackfire

I tried to frame myself as a pretty fun guy (because I am)

You don't seem very interesting to me. Your job sounds kinda boring and you strike me as overabsorbed in it. Just my 2 cents.

trackfire · #3 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 08:32 AM

Does anyone else agree with the above? I really tried hard to design my profiles so that they didn't sound that way, as I'm really not that crazy about what I do (though I do like it).

ita_vero, what did you see that made you think that way? (I asked you this in a PM, but I can post now) What do you think I can do to change it?

Thanks!

Vapor · #4 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 08:50 AM

Not an online dater but I see some glaring stuff. This is way too safe and weak:

Quote:

- I'm a 20-year-old Computer Engineering student, and a business analyst that loves his job :-D

"University student." The first thing you say about yourself is that you're a computer engineering student. The stereotype is "dork."

Quote:

- I love spending time riding my bike.

Use "cycling." It goes well with the photo. 10-year-olds ride their bikes.

Quote:

This world can be a crazy one (have you EVER been in a New York City subway train?!),

You're posting in Brooklyn. It's a safe bet that yes, they have. And they're really used to it, so it's not crazy to them, it's mundane. Don't make the mundane XTREEME or you sound boring.

Quote:

and just riding around can do a lot to clear my mind.

Better.

Quote:

Plus, there's nothing better than enjoying a nice, long weekend ride on the mountains of New Jersey, just to get some homemade chocolate chip cookies

Uh, how about fucking? I like that better than cookies. I'm just saying. You are displaying priorities shared by sexless fat chicks and children.

Quote:

(If you're not into cookies, that might be a problem :-p)

This would be better if it was tempering a manlier image.

Quote:

- I also love cooking and knowing what I'm eating.

Solid DHV.

Quote:

Plus, I just discovered the art of making the perfect breakfast smoothie, so I can give Jamba Juice and Starbucks a run for their money :-D

Stick with the cooking.

Quote:

- On weekends, I love travelling, especially to random places with no real goal in mind, whether it's to a new part of New York or a Chinatown bus ride to Boston.

Probably not necessary, but maybe it works. I'd rephrase.

Quote:

Because of my job and my travels, I'm usually pretty busy and thought that I would give this a try. I'm not really looking for anything too serious; I'm just looking for a woman that's fun to be with, and doesn't mind a sudden weekend trip or walking around a little bit. We could throw ourselves into massive credit card debt and take a day trip to Japan...just to buy a few shirts and come back! Or we could enjoy a cup of coffee or a slice of pizza.

A little boring and safe.

Quote:

Asians and women with "more to love" are a plus! :-D

Something seems a little weird here to me but I can't put my finger on it.

Quote:

(Before anything, YES I love Asian dining...but I'm not telling you which kind is better. Either way, Dominican food rules them all! :-p)

Overall, you aren't challenging them, you aren't displaying that you have options. Somebody can probably make a better ad than me, but here's what I see you should be focusing on:

Good looking, athletic, black male college student who likes cycling, cooking, travel, Asian cuisine, and exploring New York city. Prefers girls who aren't too skinny. That's a more interesting guy.

Build it around that, lose the emoticons, omit things that a girl could write.

trackfire · #5 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 08:56 AM

I will definitely re-write. You pointed out some things that I definitely didn't pick up (homemade cookies = "sexless fat chicks"...definitely missed this one!)

I'll post a draft revision sometime today.

Thanks for the criticism!

Cydonia · #6 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 10:35 AM

Occupation: Drug dealer

try to be a bit more creative, and funnier. Who's going to email someone who classes themself as a dealer, even if they were only joking.

ChoriChori · #7 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 10:44 AM

Like I said in your last post:

This needs to go!

Quote:

Last 5 cnunez1987 Forum PostsCould my profile use some brushing up?
So, any takers in flaming my profile? Added and removed a few things from the original tex...
Why am I being Ignored?
My general thought of you as a reader: I DO NOTHING BUT SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY, AND WA...
Could my profile use some brushing up?
Again, thank you for the very thoughtful suggestions. I didn't even think of that reaction...
Could my profile use some brushing up?
Not quite. Do you think that the many women I've sent out messages to don't reply because ...
Could my profile use some brushing up?
I'm Dominican. Don't worry; no-one believes me at first either. ;-)If it feels canned, do ...

TrueStory · #8 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 11:02 AM

Take a look at Cajun's profile for Plenty of Fish

And consider getting an Online Game Manual (Net2Bed or Online Cassanova, both were PRETTY SOLID and helped me online game.)

As far as Craigslist goes, I gave my ad a try (my successful ad) in NYC, I got 3 replies. Which is miserable result. I also realized that M4W in NYC is one ad per second.

trackfire · #9 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 11:07 AM

Can we try working on this step-by-step?

Occupation: For the record, I'm actually Business Analyst for a pharmaceuticals company, hence the name.

Would a more random occupation work? I know that in person, you can use your tone to say a random occupation jokingly, but this probably doesn't fly online. Saying that I'm a Business Analyst is way too boring. How about using a question, like "Guess?" or "Yes, I have one"?

Another question: Would it be better to use shorter and less informative statements in a profile instead of explained ones? I would think that the less information the woman knows, the more interest they would have in finding out...?

Something like this:

[quote]
So a little about me:

I'm a 20 year old university student, studying something cooler than medicine, law AND English combined!
I probably shouldn't say this...but I'm a drug dealer (the good kind!) need something more creative, but am at a block
I love spending my time cycling. Riding around helps clear my mind from lots of the crazy stuff that's going on in our world today.
When I'm home, I love cooking, since it feels good to know what you're eating. Big fan of meats and seafood. (You'd better like seafood...or we might have a problem)
I also like spending time taking photos of the wonders this city has to offer. Even after living here 11 years, I always find something new to enjoy or marvel at.

I'm not taking this too seriously, since I'm pretty busy with my work and travels. I'm looking for a woman that's I can learn from and be active and completely random with. Someone that won't mind a weekend trip to Boston or Toronto...just to try out the local pizza and come back! I don't know what else to put here...

trackfire · #10 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 11:08 AM

TrueStory,

I tried to model Cajun's profile for Craigslist...I might extend it to my PoF profile.

The result is still pretty horrible at ZERO replies...