Non Judgementalness

[Fader]

As we go about our lives we are bombarded with all kinds of stimulus. We make sense of these stimuli and the situations that brought them by judging them as bad or good or negative or positive. We learn these beliefs based on our experiences as we grow and evolve. Some of these beliefs are cultural, some come from our families (or other sources such as friends, our teachers, the media, etc). One might think of this as how we establish a moral code. Moral codes are based on beliefs and values. Talking about the relationship between values, beliefs and moral code is beyond the scope of this article but if people are interested I would be willing to write up a post on it. One of the key things we try to do when we learn pickup is to remove limiting beliefs.

Before we talk about limiting beliefs let’s talk about what beliefs are. According to Wikipedia: A Belief is the psychological state in which an individual is convinced of the truth of a proposition. Beliefs can either help or hurt both our game and our life. The main reason is because we believe that beliefs are true. There is a subset of beliefs that people call limiting beliefs.

Limiting beliefs are beliefs that set limits on our reality and usually on what we are capable of in it. Some classic pickup related examples are I am too short (I am 5 7 personally), I am too old (My first 1 on 1 was older than 50 and group approaches by himself on 20 year olds with great success), I am too ugly or bald (one of my best friends who was a former student is as bald and white as a cueball and his gf is a 9 who is not only a model she’s a minor celebrity. He got her off a daygame approach), etc. Here are some examples from Wikipedia of common limiting beliefs:

• That one has specific capabilities, roles, or traits which cannot be escaped or changed.
• That one cannot succeed so there is no point committing to trying.
• That a particular opinion is right; therefore, there is no point considering other viewpoints.
• That a particular action or result is the only way to resolve a problem.

The problem with limiting beliefs is that because we think they are true we will act as if. For example, let’s say I have a belief that I am too short to get a really hot girl. When I am in set and the girl gives me some kind of congruence test my inner dialogue might go something like this, “she’s hot but she just tested me it’s probably because I am too short. I knew I was too short to get a hot girl. This sucks.” This is why when I teach 1 on 1’s or bootcamps I exhaustingly go over inner game because I want to replace any poor beliefs with more powerful ones. Some say the game is played in comfort while I agree with this I think before any coach has his take the field he has them prepped and ready to execute based on the fundamentals and strategies he has taught them (this to me is inner game).

To practice nonjudgment, we must first transcend our limiting beliefs. This includes even the ones that deal with morality and why something is right or wrong, bad or good, etc. Our judgments are assumptions based on what we have learned either through direct / indirect experience or what we have been told (by family, friends, the media, etc). For example, we are constantly bombarded by stories and images of how girls want men who are rich or powerful or xyz arbitrary characteristic. While this is true in some regard, (girls will align themselves with men who posses status or power), it should not be your belief that you need to be that man to get the girl. If it was it would then be a limiting belief because it would place restrictions on your reality. You don’t meet xyz characteristic and thus you would not be able to get the girl (remember beliefs are propositions that we belief in our mind are true).

When you begin to practice nonjudement you don’t say the situation is good or bad you simply see an opportunity to work through limitations or challenges. Today as I write this I have a slight bit of fever (I just got back from teaching a bootcamp in Miami and going from 4 days / nights of partying) and the fact that less than 24 hours ago I was in 91 degree weather in a t-shirt and now I am in 38 degree weather in a sweatshirt really beat up my body. I was actually so shell shocked this morning that I called in sick to my real job (pickup is not my real job). One way of looking at this (read judging the situation) would be to say I am sick and blah blah blah. I don’t look at it that way… I look at it as an opportunity to heal my body, spend time at home resting, reading and catching up on family guy (I am currently working my way through every episode of the show so I can re-watch every episode of sex and the city… don’t ask lol).

Our judgments can also trip us up. On the way home from Miami I opened a girl who was standing behind me on the way to the plane. I said are you following me? She gave me a dirty look and said no. I said well that’s your first mistake. She kind of smirked but I could tell she wasn’t feeling it. As the fates would have it she was RIGHT ACROSS from me on the plane. We both had aisle seats so I lean over and go look if you don’t stop stalking me I am going to get a restraining order. I am sorry we had such a bad breakup (insert the rest of your typical divorce roll play here). I ended up getting her number and making out with her in the taxi later. How did I know she wasn’t feeling my first two lines? I read her body language now if I had judged the interaction I would have said it is off and probably would not have re-opened her later. However since, I was just being me and being in the moment as opposed to thinking (remember thinking is the enemy in the field) or passing judgment I ended up getting the girl.

Another problem with being judgmental is that every guy does it (remember the pickup artist, god I hate that term, is the exception to the rule). You know why most women lie about the amount of partners they have had? It is because most guys can’t handle the truth (you want the truth…. YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH, name that quote ha!). Sinn once told me that he believes that more guys have sexual issues then girls and I fully agree with this. For some reason as some as men are comfortable in their sexuality they are very uncomfortable with women’s sexuality. Women get this and this is why someone like Sinn who is super non judgmental is getting SNL after SNL after SNL after SNL. Girls will adapt to your frame.

Perhaps the most powerful reason to be nonjudgmental has absolutely nothing to do with women. It has to do with people in your life and whatever role they play. Friends will not be open with you family will not confide in you and people at your job will not trust you because of how they perceive you will judge them. When you are open and have what some call beginners mind (a key part of beginner’s mind is the idea that you remove all beliefs so you can be totally open to receiving incoming information), people know that they say to you (if they need to vent, etc) won’t have judgment passed on it and this can help them be more comfortable.

Who wants to change their abilities with women and dating FOREVER?

[Fader]

Originally Posted by Mooks

Rather than saying, "hey, you do it like that? you suck!" or "hey, you do it like that? you rock!", it should be, "hey, you do it like that? interesting... respect".

Bingo