Jokes Thread

[Malibu]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on . When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
"I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. "Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will."

[IamCloud]

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here s that $20 I owe you," he says.
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane. The plane was going down and there were only 4 parachutes. So the pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped. The pope told the brunette to take the last one. The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left .... the blonde took my backpack.
So a Blonde, an American and a Russian were talking. The 3 were arguing over the planets, and who was first to discover them.
The American says, "Well, we were the first to the moon!"
The Russian says, "Well we were the first to mars!"
The Blonde says, "Well we are going to be the first to the sun!"
The American and the Russian both start cracking up at the blondes stupidity, exclaiming, "You can't go to the sun, you'll burn up!"
"No duh," responds the Blonde, "that's why we're going at night..."

Ever Wonder?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

[Gabriel]

I've used this joke, which I stole straight from the movie "Desperado", to great effect MANY times on guys to open sets:
So, there is a guy and he is in a bar talking to the bartender and says to the bartender "I will bet you $100 that I can piss in that cup from 10 feet away and not spill a drop" the bartender replies "that cup from ten feet away? You're on!" So they shake on it and the guy gets up on to the bar. He whips his thing out and starts to piss... and he's pissing everywhere! He's hitting the bar, he's hitting the bar stools, he's hitting the bartender... he's hitting everything EXCEPT the fucking glass! So he puts his thing away and gets off the bar and the bartender, laughing and dripping with piss, says "you idiot! You owe me 100 hundred bucks!" the guy replies "okay, okay... really quick... I just need a second..." The guy proceeds to go talk to two guys at the pool tables. He comes back and says, with a big smile on his face "here you go barkeep, 100 bucks" as he hands over the bill. The bartender says "uhh... why are you so happy? You just lost 100 bucks?" the guy said "well, see those guys over there? I just bet them 500 dollars EACH that I could piss on your bar, I could piss on your barstools, and I could piss on you and not only would you not be mad about it, but you'd be happy."

[Lyncho]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties ..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast ..."

[MDS]

when do u have real confidence?
if your GF cathes u in bed with a girl, and you calmly turn around, slap her on the ass and say "you're next bitch!"....then you have real confidence.

[MDS]

3 catholic priest and 3 10yr old boys went on the fishing trip far into the ocean.
all of a sudden huge wind came out of nowhere and waves started to pour into the boat.
one of the priests who was a sailor before, said: we need to make the boat lighter or we'd drown!
so they started to throw shit out, but waves were still going into the boat.
we're gonna drown, screamed one of the priests, we already threw everything out!
what about the boys? asked another
priests looked at each other and said in unison: fuck 'em!
then one of them replied: do we have time?

[MDS]

miracle happened! two gays had a son!
proud father comes to the hospital, and askes nurse to see his baby boy. she takes him to the nursery where there are buch of babies and they all crying their lungs off, exept one.
is that my son? he asks. yes, says the nurse. see, he says, and everyone said gays can't have kids and if they will they'll be all fucked up. look how nicely he behaves and he's only a day old!
oh yeh, replied the nurse, then why don't u go and try to take pacifire out of his ass!
================================================== ========
worried mother went to psycologist. doctor, i cought my son and 7 year old girl from next door sitting naked in the yard and examining eachothers bodies.
i wouldn't worry, says doctor, it's normal in this age.
really? she says, but my son's wife is concerned also.

[MDS]

Request for a raise?
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
>>> > > 1. I do physical labor.
>>> > > 2. I work at great depths.
>>> > > 3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
>>> > > 4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
>>> > > 5. I work in a damp environment.
>>> > > 6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
>>> > > 7. I work in high temperatures.
>>> > > 8. My work exposes me to diseases.
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the management denies your request
for the following reasons:
>>> > > 1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
>>> > > 2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief
work
period.
>>> > > 3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
>>> > > 4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen
visiting other locations.
>>> > > 5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
>>> > > 6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift.
>>> > > 7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such
as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
>>> > > 8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
>>> > > 9. You are unable to work double shifts.
>>> > > 10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you
have
completed the assigned task.
>>> > > 11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking
bags.
Sincerely, The Management

[Tux]

Two blondes walking down a street, when they see a mirror in the road, the first one looks in it: "I recognise the face, but I cant quite place it"
The second one then goes up and has a look: "You idiot...it's me!"

[Ocean]

Why did Humpty-Dumpty push his wife off the wall?
To see her crack