when to tell her? - The Attraction Forums

eMinor · #1 08-25-2008, 03:30 PM

As I'm sure many of you have experienced, there comes a time during seduction where you have to come clean with the girl about the fact that you see other people (or that it cannot be anything more than a casual fun time because you're not ready for a relationship).

I'm currently dealing with a situation where I wasn't clear about that with her, and after about 3 months it developed into almost a committed relationship. Long story short, she fell in love and I told her we couldn't be bf/gf. She was crushed and I feel like shit, because I do care about her.

My question is, do you lay down the law before or immediately after you sleep with them? We don't want to deceive them, but after all, we've worked hard enough to get them to that point.

I need to avoid this situation again. Thank you for any input.

e

icefyre · #2 08-25-2008, 04:14 PM

Before, with one exception(see below).

I tell girls straight up that I'm dating other girls often after 2 or 3 times of hanging out/dating. I do this for two reasons:

1) if the see me out with someone else, they know what is up and I don't have to worry

2) if they are seeing other people, they tend to focus on you because they have competition

In your situation, it is a bit different because you've been seeing each other a while. You need to be straight with a girl like this from the start.

The only exception to this is if you like the girl and want to be exclusive... then I add a #3 to the list above

3) Don't tell her until you bang her, then tell her that you're seeing other girls but want to stop seeing them be exclusive. Never, ever, ask for exclusivity before banging a chick, it will not happen!

sdnightfly · #3 08-27-2008, 02:37 AM

For some reason, being direct from the beginning has worked than trying not to hurt feelings or be worried they're not going to have sex because I want to have my independence. There have been some who ended it, but more often than not have been able to have a good time without making empty promises. And some of them wound up rethinking their own dating routine, because it was hurting them. With me, it's just about when I'm with them at the time, and when I'm not there, I might get a text, and I've definitely had a couple of guilt trips placed on me about "using" them (I would just repeat what I told them in the beginning), and they would just go " yeah you're right". No one is left hurt or upset... when it ends, I wish them the best, and that's about it.

Cedar · #4 08-27-2008, 05:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eMinor

... I wasn't clear about that with her, and after about 3 months it developed into almost a committed relationship...

Seeing multiple girls doesn't work well after the 2-3 month mark. Most girls will demand you choose one or the other by then. Your best bet is rotating girls after a few months.

Plan B is tell a vulnerability story after your first few times together about getting caught sleeping around. End it by saying your not comfortable being exclusive. Because it makes you feel vulnerable.

GenePoole · #5 08-27-2008, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by icefyre

Before, with one exception(see below).

I tell girls straight up that I'm dating other girls often after 2 or 3 times of hanging out/dating. I do this for two reasons:

1) if the see me out with someone else, they know what is up and I don't have to worry

2) if they are seeing other people, they tend to focus on you because they have competition

In your situation, it is a bit different because you've been seeing each other a while. You need to be straight with a girl like this from the start.

The only exception to this is if you like the girl and want to be exclusive... then I add a #3 to the list above

3) Don't tell her until you bang her, then tell her that you're seeing other girls but want to stop seeing them be exclusive. Never, ever, ask for exclusivity before banging a chick, it will not happen!

Don't you think telling girls you see other people just before you try to take them home to bed can be counterproductive? Why not just tell them the day after?

Ethically, do you haver to tell them at all. Why not string it out or does that make you a player messing with people's feelings?

eMinor · #6 08-27-2008, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cedar

Plan B is tell a vulnerability story after your first few times together about getting caught sleeping around. End it by saying your not comfortable being exclusive. Because it makes you feel vulnerable.

You mean a story about another girl sleeping around on me, thus I don't feel comfortable being exclusive?

sampanye · #7 08-27-2008, 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GenePoole

Ethically, do you haver to tell them at all. Why not string it out or does that make you a player messing with people's feelings?

Ethically, YES, you do have to tell them! Why? Because otherwise we feel used, which is a truly horrible feeling.

You have to tell her. You don't have to say "I want to have sex with you and still keeping fucking other girls" but instead just say you're not looking for a committed relationship but hope that the two of you can have a bit of fun together.

Never let it go on without her knowing what's up. Girls do tend to think in terms of 'bf/gf' earlier than guys do so you really need to be up-front about what you're looking for. Even if they're not thrilled, girls will respect you saying it straight up. They'll be far more angry (and rightfully so) if they feel they've been lied to for weeks or months.

Cedar · #8 08-28-2008, 05:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eMinor

You mean a story about another girl sleeping around on me, thus I don't feel comfortable being exclusive?

Either way. A story about how you felt trapped and betrayed is a good emotional reason not to be exclusive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sampanye

You have to tell her. Ideally before she sleeps with you, or the night that she does.

This is the worst advice since Aristotle told Socrates to 'drink up.' The exclusive talk comes after several times of hanging out, a few good romps in the bed, and hopefully a month to three on the calendar.

No offense. But there's a disconnect between what a girl says and what a girl wants. Lemme guess. You met some wonderful guy, you hung out, you fooled around, and later you found out he was sleeping around. And you felt hurt or used or whatever.

Let's pretend this guy told you up front. You wouldn't have hung out. Or fooled around. You would have cut off your opportunity to enjoy the moment with this guy and have fun. It's your preoccupation with labels and predicting the future, with stability, that made you feel hurt.

Girls live boring lives. They want some adventure. An awesome guy comes in, shows them a good time and comes back a few more. This is what girls WANT. In the odd chance that this guy wants to stick around, he might stop seeing other girls, and he might become your boyfriend. This is the holy grail of girl-land.

But you don't plan for it. It happens.

Don't talk about relationships before you have sex. You ruin the moment. Enjoy the moment. Live the moment. And have some sex.