Complications in an LDR

[alphablue]

My girlfriend of 2 years is starting law school in a different city. I have some free time, and as a result I came down to stay with her for two weeks before my school starts back up.

We've had two big fights in the last four days, centering around her wanting to ensure that she has friends when I am gone (that's good) and as result, wants to go out to bars in mixed company without me (that's bad).

On one hand, I am a bit jealous, although she assures me that I have nothing to worry about.

On the other, I feel that it's a bit weird not to invite me along. She says that since I will be gone next week, it would be weird for me to be hanging out with all of these people since I'm not "supposed to be here" (her quote).

Friday night, she was invited to a get together BBQ at a 2L's house. Not a big deal, I let her go alone. She tells me that she'll be back in about two hours.

Unexpectedly, the group decides to go to a bar. She doesn't tell me. My first contact comes 2.5 hours with a text message saying that she wants to leave, but can't because she doesn't have a car. I respond asking her if she wants me to pick her up. No response. Next text comes an hour after that, saying that she will leave when she gets a ride. I again ask her if she wants me to give her a ride. No response. She ends up getting a ride about an hour and a half after that. She comes home and is clearly drunk.

Needless to say, I was furious.

I told her (well, I wasn't in the calmest state by then) that her actions don't meet up with my expectations of our relationship and that she does not need to do that again. She agrees and we both agree that I could have reacted more calmly.

We make up, etc. I take her out to an incredible night the next night and show huge HV signs.

I go with her to church on Sunday (a big concession from me) and things look okay at this point. Last night we go out with some of my friends in town and have a nice time, until it comes out that she had been invited out by one of her new girlfriends. She declined, as she was with me, but that started a conversation about how she wanted to go out without me.

Now, I understand the need to make friends and to be sociable and outgoing. That would be one of the first things on my mind if I were starting a new school or were in a new city. But what can I reasonably expect out of these bar nights without being jealous, insecure, needy, etc.?

I want to ensure that she is happy and has friends, but I also want to be included in her life.

I don't want her schedule to be go to class during the day, spend the early evening with me (having dinner, watching the news, etc.) and then go out and be wild without me at night.

I am just trying to be the best boyfriend I can and I am not sure what to give up and what to expect.

Thanks for any advice.

[sampanye]

My BF and I went through this and did it successfully.

A year and a half ago, I went to law school in a different COUNTRY. While you're in town, she should certainly be hanging out with you. But if you're going to be this jealous about her going to bars in mixed company, you two should break up now because it's just not going to work.

What I learned over those nine months I was overseas was this: TO BE IN A LDR, YOU NEED TO BE A SECURE PERSON. You MUST have 100% faith in your partner and you absolutely cannot be needy or jealous. SHE WILL go out with new friends. She will make new male friends. You HAVE to be ok with that. And it's reciprocal, too. You're allowed to have female friends, too. The main thing is that you and your girlfriend know the boundaries. eg, you can hang out, drink with your new friends, chat, hug, but absolutely no kissing etc.

I have never cheated in my life and I do not doubt for a second that my boyfriend was faithful while I was away. I know we both ran into our exes during that time, for example. Did I make new male friends? Yes. Are there photos of me hugging them on facebook? Yes, of course. I had nothing to hide. Have I seen photos of my boyfriend hanging out with his female friends? Of course.

But you know what? I never ONCE felt tempted and I did not suspect my boyfriend of straying, either.

You need to both be independent people. I don't think LDRs are for everyone. It takes a certain sort of person to be that trusting, to not be jealous.

May I repeat: she should be inviting you out when you're in the same city as her (I would have been ecstatic had my boyfriend flown to visit me because my friends could finally meet him). But if you're uncomfortable with the idea of her drinking in mixed company, you're never going to make it in a LDR.

[Yodatg]

Totally, 100% agree with what Sampayne said.

I'm in an LDR and have been for about 8 months now, she in the US and me in the UK.

I have 100% belief that my girlfriend will NOT cheat on me. I'm secure with myself, non-needy but I do have STANDARDS and VALUES.

Your girlfriend should WANT to hang out with you when you're in town - most definately. If she doesn't, I'd seriously reconsider the relationship.

LDR's aren't for everyone, as Sampayne said. You have to trust, be secure, non-needy, cool, have your shit together and live your own life. If you can do that, thats pretty much the hard part over with.

Get hobbies, keep busy, improve yourself (since we've been apart for 3 months I've taken up canoeing, biking and am currently looking at investing in the Forex market and thinking about setting up a Life Coaching business).

My girl and I text, call or Skype everyday. Some days its just a text, some its a 2 hour skype conversation. Does it matter? No - because I'm busy with my own life - as is she. We are both VERY confident people and thus - its like throwing fuel on a blazing fire.

You've both got to be 100% trusting, commited, non-needy and just plain cool.

Whats also very important is that you have something to look FORWARD to. Make sure you know when you are next going to see each other again - otherwise, it's like floating in the wind (i.e freekin' lame)

Good luck to you mate

p.s. I just have to write this...get it out of my system...I'm seeing my GF in 2 weeks. I can't...f'in....WAIT

[sampanye]

Originally Posted by Yodatg

p.s. I just have to write this...get it out of my system...I'm seeing my GF in 2 weeks. I can't...f'in....WAIT

Seriously, how good is "I haven't seen you in two months" sex?! Freaking AMAZING!

[Yodatg]

Originally Posted by sampanye

Seriously, how good is "I haven't seen you in two months" sex?! Freaking AMAZING!

"I haven't seen you in two months sex" was last time (which I totally have to agree - fucking awesome )...this time...it's "I haven't seen you in THREE months sex"...which will be SUPER awesome!

If my dick doesn't look like a red raw french sausage by the time I return home, I consider the trip a failure...

I jest....

Saying that, LDR's can be rather dangerous...RSI in the left hand can be a REAL issue

(I'm going to stop now before the Mod's get arsey )

[russki1]

I am going through a similar thing, it is not really long distance we live about 30 minutes away. She says she feels uncomfortable bringing me to hang out with her in mixed company. And she doesn't invite me along when she goes out at night, usually we hang during the day then she has to go home by like 8pm or something to go out. I know making friends to her is important because she was never really that popular and this is all new to her. But its just weird to me and I am thinking of making the relationship non-exclusive. Should I really be worried about the never inviting me along thing? Or stay loyal to her and maybe she'l get more comfortable, since we have been going out for 4 months, all 4 she has been acting hard to get.

[Yodatg]

russki - sorry to break this to you mate, but that hands down sounds like shes embaressed to bring you along to hang out with her friends.

If you were a cool, awesome, high value dude in her eyes, she'd have no problem what so ever inviting you to hang out with her mates. I personally would kick that one in the teeth (not literally ) and make it non-exclusive, work on where I went wrong, and try again.

If you've been going out for 4 months, and she's not 'comfortable' with you yet, then I highly doubt she'll EVER feel 'comfortable' around you.

[russki1]

The strange thing is she wanted to have a party and invite me but I was going away and she never ended up having one (to meet her friends prob). I think on this occasion maybe the guys she was hanging out with would like lose interest in her if they found out she has a bf, since she only told her close gf's/guy friends she has one. Cuz she gets like drugs and booze from them and rides.

Im guessing its her chick thing, I trust her that shes not cheating, even though when I see her hugging or kissing her best guy friend on the cheek I get those butterflies, but no biggie.

[sampanye]

Originally Posted by russki1

I think on this occasion maybe the guys she was hanging out with would like lose interest in her if they found out she has a bf, since she only told her close gf's/guy friends she has one. Cuz she gets like drugs and booze from them and rides.

Dude, that's fucked. She shouldn't be pretending she's single even if it is to get free drugs and rides. Whatever her excuse for not telling them about you, the reality is that she's keeping her options open.

[russki1]

Ok, I think I can figure out what is going on. She knows I cheated on my past gf and that I am riskey. She probably thinks the relationship could end any time and that I might be cheating on her, even though we had a talk about it and we both said we never cheated on each other and didn't even think it. I think she is being like this because she doesn't want to get too attached and hurt, and maybe she feels like she doesn't have as much "value" to bring so she feels kind of insecure?

Is there anyway to really build trust and confidence, especially in her, or is it just gradual depending how often you see eachother?

We are having sex so I know that she really likes me, she also told me I was her first, maybe this is all new to her and she cannot cope, like she says she doesn't always enjoy the sex (feelings afterwards wise) but we both share some times in common that we both really liked.