She loves cuddling but doesn't want sex anymore - The Attraction Forums

Phateless · #1 07-15-2008, 07:31 AM

Help! This sucks. We used to do it constantly, every day, sometimes twice, even three times once in a while. It gradually declined to where she was making the move less often, to me always initiating, to once a day, to missing days here and there, and now she turns me down more often than she wants to. We've talked about this a lot and it doesn't go anywhere productive. She says she loves sex with me and wants it at least 4 times a week but I smell BS. I think she honestly has no idea why she doesn't want it and doesn't see it as a problem. She does, however, love cuddling and still wants to take showers and cuddle naked with me all night.

This is a LTR, btw. We see each other every day and we both like it that way.

To ease the pressure, yesterday I told her we'd take the day off from thinking about it. I told her "sex is off the table tonight, just relax." and I made sure to whack off before bed and again this morning after I woke up, so that we could enjoy the cuddling. Thing is, I couldn't enjoy it. I thought if I get off first, maybe the lack of sex wouldn't mind|||| me so much. I love cuddling with her but I'm still freaked out as to why she doesn't want me anymore. It's frustrating, feeling like there's this wall between us and feeling like I'm losing her.

This isn't working for me.

LittlbigD · #2 07-15-2008, 08:20 AM

How long have you been dating?

Is she withdrawing from you emotionally?

All relationships have a drop in the amount they have sex in the LTR. This is natural. 4x a week is pretty normal. If she really has no interest in sex with you anymore she is either

having an affair and likes sex with the other guy more

she isnt attracted to you anymore physically.

Before you freak out just make sure it isnt just your sex life reaching a normal level. No relationships can maintain the initial few months of sex all the time.
Dont pressure her for sex or make a big deal about it. That just makes it worse.

Phateless · #3 07-15-2008, 08:30 AM

Yeah too late, I've already done that and made it way worse. We've been together about 3 months. I've been reading other threads and just downloaded David Shade's book. I've already identified a few potential sticking points, but I'm really hoping I haven't permanently ||||ed this up.

BigDuke6 · #4 07-15-2008, 08:50 AM

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. It's a $12 read. There's a chapter about diminishment of sex and the NG.

Phateless · #5 07-15-2008, 08:58 AM

The NG? Emotionally I think we're good still.

FemmeFatale · #6 07-19-2008, 05:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phateless

Help! This sucks. We used to do it constantly, every day, sometimes twice, even three times once in a while. It gradually declined to where she was making the move less often, to me always initiating, to once a day, to missing days here and there, and now she turns me down more often than she wants to. We've talked about this a lot and it doesn't go anywhere productive. She says she loves sex with me and wants it at least 4 times a week but I smell BS. I think she honestly has no idea why she doesn't want it and doesn't see it as a problem. She does, however, love cuddling and still wants to take showers and cuddle naked with me all night.

This is a LTR, btw. We see each other every day and we both like it that way.

To ease the pressure, yesterday I told her we'd take the day off from thinking about it. I told her "sex is off the table tonight, just relax." and I made sure to whack off before bed and again this morning after I woke up, so that we could enjoy the cuddling. Thing is, I couldn't enjoy it. I thought if I get off first, maybe the lack of sex wouldn't mind|||| me so much. I love cuddling with her but I'm still freaked out as to why she doesn't want me anymore. It's frustrating, feeling like there's this wall between us and feeling like I'm losing her.

This isn't working for me.

I have highlighted the things which are wrong with this.
a) PRESSURE IS BAD, the fact that you have to tell her "no pressure tonight babe" means that you normally put a lot of pressure on her.. which means you come off as sexually needy.

b) Seeing her every single day is bad, in my opinion. LET HER MISS YOU.

Doffie · #7 07-21-2008, 02:42 AM

How is your LTR ?! for women sex is not just physical .. is more emotional (ok in beginning the lust is main factor but the more and longer the LTR last the more emotional it gets) .. ask her about that ..

had same .. didn't feel appreciated/usefull in my LTR .. and last thing you want as girl is that your bf only wants you for sex .. only gets downhill from there ..

derek817 · #8 07-26-2008, 08:41 PM

i got a friend the same thing happened to him. But the thing is his girl asked him to buy her a dildo ( shes a good christian girl) he says she uses it alot, and basically ignores him. His a AFC and believes in treating girls "nice" which is true but to a certain point you can't get tooled be kind but don't get tooled....it looked like a big IOD to me...i'd move on i personally can't last without sex in a relationship. I keep telling him his getting used...because he buys her stuff just read the signs use your social intuition and figure it out i don't think any of us can accurately give you advice.

sampanye · #9 07-27-2008, 05:19 PM

I know some of this has already been said, but here's my immediate reaction to your post:

In any LTR, sex will not remain at that initial honeymoon-stage level forever. I suspect that you're not ready or willing to give up that honeymoon stage whereas she's already moved past it.

You see each other every day.
You see each other every day!
You might not see this as a problem but after a mere three months, I do. Seeing each other everyday should be reserved for couples who have been together for a long time and LIVE TOGETHER. You basically DO live together if she sleeps over every night. And that kills some of the excitement. Having sex with someone is inevitably going to be a bit less exciting if you know they're going to be there in the morning, in the evening... they're there when you eat breakfast, there when you brush your teeth before bed... she needs to have the opportunity to miss you. She needs to feel some excitement.

Finally, you speak of sex as if it's a wifely-duty of hers. "Sex is off the table tonight, just relax." ?!?! By attempting to 'take away the pressure', you're actually just admitting to her how much pressure there actually is. And NO GIRL wants to feel pressured into sex. She'll start to feel that you keep her around because you like having a hole to poke. Now I'm not saying that's what YOU think, but if she feels pressured to have sex, she'll start to feel used. And feeling used is the most devastating, horrendous feeling a girl can experience.

I hate to say it, but the problem is as much with you as it is with her.

azmodan · #10 07-27-2008, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sampanye

I know some of this has already been said, but here's my immediate reaction to your post:

In any LTR, sex will not remain at that initial honeymoon-stage level forever. I suspect that you're not ready or willing to give up that honeymoon stage whereas she's already moved past it.

You see each other every day.
You see each other every day!
You might not see this as a problem but after a mere three months, I do. Seeing each other everyday should be reserved for couples who have been together for a long time and LIVE TOGETHER. You basically DO live together if she sleeps over every night. And that kills some of the excitement. Having sex with someone is inevitably going to be a bit less exciting if you know they're going to be there in the morning, in the evening... they're there when you eat breakfast, there when you brush your teeth before bed... she needs to have the opportunity to miss you. She needs to feel some excitement.

Finally, you speak of sex as if it's a wifely-duty of hers. "Sex is off the table tonight, just relax." ?!?! By attempting to 'take away the pressure', you're actually just admitting to her how much pressure there actually is. And NO GIRL wants to feel pressured into sex. She'll start to feel that you keep her around because you like having a hole to poke. Now I'm not saying that's what YOU think, but if she feels pressured to have sex, she'll start to feel used. And feeling used is the most devastating, horrendous feeling a girl can experience.

I hate to say it, but the problem is as much with you as it is with her.

this is part of the problem with long-term relationships, but i agree with this guy.