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Brrrrrrrr, dang it was cold, i jumped out of ...
FR: Cold Approaches, Cold Weather...(Pretty Long) Brrrrrrrr, dang it was cold, i jumped out of the car and proceeded to walk quickly towards the pub, my chest felt like it was going to explode, my head was aching and the mucus dripping down my nasal passage only succeeded in creating a frozen moustache of goo on my upper lip, such was the extremity of the wintery night.
Having greeted the doorman and entering the pub, i proceeded to make the most of my night, the guys i were meeting (in hindsight not a good idea) were going to be 10 minutes late, so i ordered a pint of Tetleys and talked with a guy i knew who was out with his girlfriend. He departed leaving me to go solo, fcuk i felt terrible, but alas, the glow of the touch screen quiz game provided a quick remedy to the ensuing flu bug that i know house in my body. Having won and then ultimately lost 4 pounds on the game, the guys showed up and we talked for a while -well i say talked, the music was so loud we were basically shouting. The amount of talent on show was phenomenal, one chick walked past us with the most enormous breasts ive ever seen close up, or in real life for that matter- every dude was staring at them so i just looked her square in the eyes and flashed a smile, she smiled back, but i didnt sarge her...dang what a puzzy (me and the girl! ;D)
Anyways we drank up and left, after a few more drinks my friend was wasted, how can you possibly get like that so quick?! I opened a 2 set over by the window of the next joint:
Set: What was i doing?
HB6 and HB5 (shudders)
Me: Hi , wheres the best place to go after here?
HB5: (pretending not to here - fcuking fat beotch!)
Me: Ohhh dang, sorry - i didnt realise you were disabled - ill leave you with your translator (looking at HB6)
I then turned my back, and low and behold, a millisecond later - she grabs my butt! (i was gonna rip the munters)
Me: Hey, hands off the merchandise! (stern look)
HB5: Im not deaf ya know, i was just kidding
Me: (pretending not to hear hehe)
HB5: Hmmm the best place to go is Livingstones.
HB6: Well didnt you want to know where to go next?
HB5: well you should go there!
Me: Buy me a drink
HB6: LOL you buy us one
Me: Yea that would be nice wouldnt it?
HB5: So youll buy us one?
Me: Yea course i will - follow me
they follow me to the bar
Me: What do you want?
HB5: Hmmmm a vodka and red bull
HB6: Me too
Me: Get yourself one then
HB5: Thats mean!
The barman slides the drink in the direction of the girl...before she can get it - i grab it and drink the lot.
Me: Cya later ladies - im off to Livingstones
HB5: You ****!!!
Me: (in a cheesy game show voice) Thats me! Thats me!
That was fun, anyways we headed to livingstones - my friend at this point was blitzed, and was starting to cokblok ALL my sets!!!
I opened a 7 set of girls who were out for a 21st birthday:
Me: Hi, whats with the cowGIRL hats?
HB8: Oh! its my 21st birthday! Weve all dressed up as cowgirls!
Me: Cool, wait a minute...your not 21! Your a fraud!
HB8: Haha, well dont tell anyone, but im really 23!
Me: hmmm more like 33?
HB8; OMG your cheeky!
Me: Yep sure am, anyways - i need an opinion on something.
HB8: ok sure
Me: ( i ran jealous gf and proceeded to rip on her for being jealous)
Me: ( ran Cs vs Us - then played about looking around for other smiles)
Her: Hmmm whats your name (rather curiously - IOI)
Me: Hmmm if you can guess my name then you may keep your child!! (in a funny boomy voice - Rumpelstiltskin fyi)
HB8: LOL hmmm is it Andy?
HB8: Steve, Paul, Chris, Lionel, Clyde, Trevor, Tom?
Me: No, youll never guess
HB8: Tell me, tell me!
Me: Ok, its Rumpelstiltskin
HB8: LOLOLOL your funny
Me: No im not, im Rumpelstiltskin!
HB8: LOL so whats your real name?
HB8: What do you do?
(hmm decision - did i run Mysterys method for this or continue with the C+F....)
Me: Im a cigarette lighter repairman, its so lucrative these day!
HB8: Really OMG!
Me: Yea, thats how i can afford this! (pointing to my fake diamond earring)
HB8: Wow!!! Is that real?
Me: Hell yes! Im insulted you would ask that!
Me: I dont really fix lighters, im a pro hopscotch player
HB8: Hopscotch? Show me some moves right here!
Me: Oh no no no - i cant!
HB8: hah! i knew it - your kidding!
Me: No! I cant because theres no grid on the floor! Us pros dont mess about, we need an standardised cliff chalk 8X10 offical grid!
Me: Anyways, how did you get so rich? (i find this is better than asking them what they do!)
Her: Have a guess what i do!
Me: Hmmm, hah you Trade White Slaves!
Her: LOL no, i own my own business!
Me: ($$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$) Oh cool, wha.....
In jumps my friend and starts mumbling something in her ear - remember he was blitzed
I tried to AMOG him by calling him by drunken teddy bear, and rubbing his chest - but he was too wasted to even see this.
I turned my back on the girl and started sarging on of her friends...(Lesson learned - When the Alpha-Female gets sarged, the group falls before your feet)
Me: Hi, whats the deal with the cowgirl hats (it worked once, why change it?)
HB9:Its my friends birthday, there was 17 of us out.
Me: 17!!! Thats not a group enjoying a drink, thats an assault on the towns beer supply!!!!
Me: Dang, thats a really cool waist coat, whered ya buy that?
HB9: do you really like it?
Me: Nah, just making conversation!
HB9: haha (hits me) its nice!
Me: Yea its nice, in a really 'Special' way...
HB9: OH! (hits me again) well, where did you get your shirt from?
Me: Ah glad you asked, my shirt was custom designed especially for me by some of the most prestigious venetian tailors in Italy. Its a one of a kind! You dont buy this in your local Topshop.
HB9: LOL well it is pretty (YSL pink and white shirt - 45 quid from the local mall - fyi)
HB9: Oh dang, were all going now, but its been nice talking to ya, will you be in the Walkabout? (its a club/pub)
Me: Yea ill be in there, you ahve a good night (i woulda numba closed but she was like 35 - hot! but not what im looking for)
We exited the pub and made our way to the next joint, the air was fresh, too fresh - the stale alcholised breath from my wing (or lack of wing) was barely making it out of his mouth before it froze in mid air.
We entered the next place, were i urinated and bought a drink (not in the bar mind you - toilet first) - i opened a 2 set:
HB9 and HB6:
Me: Hey, i like your jawline.
HB6: What? are you kidding?
Me: look at my face, do i look like im joking? (pulls funny face)
Me: So, wheres the best place to go after here (im turning into an Hypocritical robot lol)
HB6: >blah blah
Me: Oh ok cool, lots of people recommend , i was thinking of going there!
HB6: Nah, goto , its a lot better.
Me: Hmmm i may do, anyways can i get your opinion on something? (ran jealous gf)
Me: (to HB9) Dang, you got some Lipstick on your teeth!
HB9: (starts licking teeth) is it gone?
Me: No...oh forget it, its only your teeth.
HB9: (licking her teeth again - at this point she looked like a retard)
Me: Hmmm i bet you took the special bus to school didnt you? (credit Syncmaster - cheers m8)
Me: (turning to HB6) Your friend is kind of anti-social dont ya think?
HB6: Nah shes cool.
Me: You know, you kinda have man hands.
HB6: Man hands?!?
Me: Yeaaa do you lift? (imitating bicep curl)
HB6: Oi cheeky! lol
Me: (looking at watch - dang i gotta ger moving or i wouldnt make the club!)
Me: Well its been great talking to you guys, (turns to HB9) how about we trade pokemon cards....i mean numbers (i love that one)
HB9: (holds out hand and points to wedding ring)
Me: Dang, marriage ahhhh (looking skywards as if picturing happy happy thoughts - always brings a chuckle)
Me: Cya later guys
HB9 and HB6: Bye, have a nice evening!
I exited the pub on my own - (i also sarged a lonewolf in that pub but as per usual, my ex-wing jumped me and ruined my routine - but he was so drunk - there was no stopping his determination, even tho he was mumbling)
I got to the club and got in the line, it was 12:15 at this point, and it was freezing cold, i turned around to see a damn sexy HB8.5 standing at the back hugging her friend - so i winked at her and smiled: Opened:
HB8.5: Will you come here and keep me warm?
Me: No, you come here and keep me warm!
She toddles through the line and i neg her on being a cue-jumper
She then stands in front of me, so i put my arms around her neck and snuggle up close.
HB8.5: Dang, its sooooo ccccoold.
Me: Yea, we should rub each other to create warmth,
She then starts grinding up against me, rubbing her azz against my coc.k. So i start rubbing her stomach and then slowly start rubbing her tits, dang this was awesome, she put her hands behind her and started rubbing my stomach and slowly moved them down towards my coc.k - she started rubbing my coc.k in the middle OF THE GOD DAMN LINE!!!!
Me: (shocked lol) Hey hey, hands of the merchandise - she squeezed me and then started rubbing my belly again
Me: Thats it, pat the buddha! It took me 6 months of solid drinking to get that keg!
HB8.5: LOL i have a boyfriend!
Me: WTF!?! Where is he?
HB8.5: Hes in Livingstones!
Me: Whos he? Isnt he the explorer who died? (she didnt get the joke)
Hb8.5: Hed better not catch us!
Me: Yeaa that would be good if he did.
We groped some more and i went Evo Phase Shift and started biting her neck and pulling her hair - i kissed her shoulder and we moved forward up the line.
Then as we were about to enter the club BLAMMO! The bouncer addresses the whole line:
Bouncer: Sorry guys, youll all have to go - were full up and closed now!
Well, talk about full scale riot! One guy was threatening the bouncer or else he was going to fetch his dad LMAO!!! and another was throwing coins at him - i was pretty steamed and in the midst of the madness i lost touch and sight with the girl - damn bouncer!!!!
Anyways, we were turned away and i made my way to the first pub we went in next door.
I opened a couple more sets and saw my two ex-wingmen in there - they asked me were i went and i said i was hungry.
Me: Dang, its soo cold its unbelivable!
HB8: Yea i know
Me: Hey, are you intelligent?
Me: Well you can help me play this touch screen quiz game!
We played the quiz for a while and we were vibing well, i ran Cs vs Us and eventuall numba closed her with the Pokemon Trading Card Close. I gave her a kiss (turned into a brief makeout) and exited the premises...
The icy wind hit my eyes, and the cold lubricant dripped from my eyelashes - i then used TD's after club call on her - this basically is meant to emphasise the fact that your not jsut another club guy and that your serious about meeting up.
I hit he green phone, 1 ring, 2 ring, 3 ring...Hello?
Me: Hey Holly its me!
Voice: Whos me?
Voice: Who - do i know you?
Me: Arent you Holly?
Voice: Fraid not love
Me: dang, this isnt sexline is it?
Voice: hahaha no no
Me: Well, looks like a flake
Me: Hmmm snowflake, its snowing here! its damn cold
Voice: Oh really!
Me: yea (this was weird), anyways i gotta go now my taxi is here, nice talking to you miss anonymous
Voice: LOL you too, good luck in your search!
Dang, she gave me a fake number! haha ahh well no problem, theres plenty more where that came from hehe
I jumped into the taxi after eating my kebab, and made my way home to bed...alone...DANG!
1. NEVER GO OUT WITH INCOMPETENT WINGS
2. SARGE THE ALPHA-FEMALE AND WATCH THE GROUP CRUMBLE
3. IF YOUR GROPING A GIRL IN A CUE, DONT LET OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES AFFECT YOUR INEVITABLE FCLOSE
4. WRAP UP WARM THIS WINTER
5. GOOD VIBING AND GOOD HUMOUR IS ESSENTIAL!!!
6. ALWAYS DEFINE THE META-FRAME THAT YOU ARE THE PRIZE
7. NEVER EVER TAKE A SH1T TEST AT FACE VALUE
8. SARGE SOBER, IF GIRLS START TALKING TO ANOTHER GUY OR GAL - PUNISH THEM WITH A BACKTURN OR SARGE ONE OF HER FRIENDS (SEE NUMBA 2)
Always, Always go out with the intention of having some fun.!
You just gave me an extra push right in the back to get of my ass. Just wanne say: Awesome post!!.....
Good post. It's given me a few more lines to use on my game appreciate it! and there is nothing worn with saying the same thing over and over again. We all do it with hello.
When You have done everything right. People will think you have done nothing at all...
Cheers Guys, cant wait while Friday to Sarge with Harlequin!! - Its gonna be awesome...
I cant wait to use Docs Albino Koala Routine too!!
Any more Feedback/Critique more than welcome!
56 Views and 3 Replies...hmm me thinks i'll not bother next time lol
I know...good post brother but it pisses me off too when people view but dont reply....why arent more ppl adding their input?...
anyway. Good work shezzler. cheers
Originally Posted by Malibu
Nice name aswell (IOI)