Hi. This is my story.
Journal: Starting from Scratch
I'm a 26-year-old virgin. Never kissed a woman, never been kissed by a woman (cheek or anything). Never hugged a woman in a more than friends way. I am the quintessential nothing, a vacuum in sexual experience.
I'm not bad looking. I'm 6 foot 1, not the greatest teeth (but not horrible), thin without being muscled, and still have most of my hair. I'm not socially awkward - I can mingle with groups and do fine. I'm funny, most of the time - I make people laugh, anyway. In that sense I'm mostly normal. Problem is I'm terrified of sex and anything related to it, even expressing my own self as a sexual person who wants to kiss or fuck women. Everything up until that point is adequate, but expressing myself as sexual is terrifying. I avoid it like the plague. Doesn't help that I have no idea how to actually kiss a woman, let alone fuck her.
How'd I get this way? Computer addict, or compulsive computer user, or coward, you choose the label. I sit on the computer all day. Everyday. 10-12 hours a day. I don't go out. I have no friends. Zero. Nobody I can call up and do something with, though what I'd be doing is confusing to me anyway. Been like this forever, all through university and afterwards. Always on the computer. Always panicking (real panic) whenever a woman shows real interest in me and running away. Always running away, running to the computer, running from what, in the end, I want. That's no way to live.
And that's why I'm here. I've read the stuff, know the lingo, and yet don't use it. I am paralyzed by fear. I'm not much a catch really, and I know I shouldn't think like that, but I'm a 26-year-old whose resume consists of a brief stint at a grocery store and a call-center. I have a B.A. in History, but I don't do anything with it (prefer the computer and the ignorant bliss it gives). But it's time to change that. Time to face my fears, face my panic, and move past it. I can do this, terrifying as it is. Well maybe tomorrow, or the next day, or after that. I'm scared.
I don't know how I'll start, or what I should do right away. What's my first step? Keep in mind I don't have friends and I'm an unemployed shut-in who sits on the computer all day, reading forums and masturbating to porn. Obviously I have to work on that - maybe I'll blog here about that change too, I don't know. But I don't know how to start, and I'm terrified.
What say you? Please be as honest and real as possible - I don't want to be coddled. All comments welcome.