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Becoming A Burning Soul, By Taking a Different Path - Journal

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  1. #1
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    Becoming A Burning Soul, By Taking a Different Path - Journal

    So like most guys on here I have decided I need to change my life so that I may become more successful with women. Since I am brand new to this world I figured I need to write this stuff down as my memory sucks.

    My Goals For Now
    I say for now because those goals will change with time. Anyway my goals are very simple. I am going to make sure I am going out to socialize at least once a week. During this time I am planning on talking to at least three women. Well I want there to be three. However, if I only talk to one and I talk to her for a good chunk of the night I will be ok. Anyway I want to talk to at least three. I have no real objective other than to improve my skills. Of course I will always hope that sex will occur. I am always hopeful of a date as well. However, at the current moment in time I am planning on practicing. My goal is to actually like by a motto, when it comes to women. That motto is I don't get lucky I get laid.

    That is the gist of what I want to do. For those of you who are bored. Here is a history of my choice to walk down this path... because I am bored and like to write this stuff down.

    A History
    Thinking back on things, it is kind of funny. I was not always like this. As a way of rebelling against my father. I convinced myself that I had no need for women. My father encouraged the life of a "player". Which is a nice way to say "Date Rapist". My father tried to train me, at age 12, to have a high booze tolerance. Because I need to be more lucid than the girl. Really this was my life from age 12 to 21. I got a kick out of the look of disappointment on his face whenever I would laugh at him when I did not have a date or a female in my life. So what changed, is the question?

    To be honest I am not sure what changed in me initially. During college I became severely depressed and suicidal. A lack of emotional intimacy, as I put. I had no friends during college. So I slowly spiraled out of control. I ended up on a suicide support forum. Where I met my ummm.. shall we say ex. After several months of associating with her. I graduated college, and we finally met. I did not know what to do. In the end we ended up having sex. Thus started our relationship. For three years I was with her. It was one of those complex denial situations. I clung to the idea that she was just FWB. However, that is what my mouth said not my actions. In the end she left me. I made a post in the relationship forum, for those who are curious.

    After having a romantic and intimate relationship taken away from me because she was a dumb bitch who would spread her legs for a title, that I did not give her. Yes yes, my fault I know, anyway... I realized that I liked having a sexual relationship. I realized this through a lot of suicide notes and depressed ranting. In the end, I realized I was depressed for one reason and one reason alone. I was not confident in my ability to replace my ex. That is what drove me to pick up the PUA world again. That is what drives me.

    Now after a year of self-improvement. Of course I mean sticking to a weight lose regiment. I lost nearly half my body fat from a year ago. It is time to start down the social part of my self-improvement. Time to change even more. Lets see where this road takes me.


    In the event this forum closes down I am also keeping a journal here. Just copy and past from one location to another.



  2. #2
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    The First Post
    My main goal with this journal is to record what I see as I walk down a path I never thought I would walk down. The path to becoming a PUA, ladies man, player, whatever. I felt I needed to make this journal now. I say now, because I need to at least have a start. My plans are to start going downtown to bars in August. I might go more than once a week. However, right now the minimum is once a week. I need to get a little practice before NDK. NDK is just the start for me though. To be honest I am hoping that come NDK 2012... if I am still in this state...I can start looking for a more serious relationship. I stress the word hope. I have no idea if I will accomplish this goal or not. We shall see what I want in a year. Maybe I will just be making notches on my wall right?

    Since I feel the need to waste more blog space. Let me talk about some of my metaphors. I borrow a lot from Japanese metaphors, I am an otaku after all. Generally the Japanese use the term "Burning" to describe someone who is passionate. While I do not believe my metaphor is 100% correct. I choose my current name of A Froze Soul, as sort of a play on their metaphor. I lack passion and a zest for life. The whole point of this quest to change is to give me or of a passion and zest for life. So right now I am frozen, cold, lifeless. I admit it, I am not ashamed to admit it either. The first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem right? That is where my naming comes from.

    Hopefully this journal will give me the ability to indulge a habit of mine, the habit to over analyze. I will likely come up with some obnoxious system for labeling things... anyway. Now this journal is here. I have no excuses to not start trying come August.

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    Hey man, it's good to read the beginnings of what-will-probably-be-a-lifechanging-journey. Your background is somewhat familiar from my own life. But why not start today? Go out and do small talk with a few people every day, for example? Asking for time at a bus stop is a good start, baby steps.

    From what I understand, "lack passion and a zest for life" and you are looking to get this out from becoming a PUA? Do pick up a few social hobbies, that way you'll have something to strive for (other than quality pussy) and you'll be in a position to interact with new people more often. Martial arts could be a way to go, since you seem to like Japanese culture. Karate? Oh, and Toastmasters.

    Good luck and keep us posted!

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    ^_^ The point of making the Journal was so I would be able to report sooner if I go out. Maybe actually talk to some of the girls in the various workout classes I take. Maybe when the various co-workers who ride the same train I do I can actually talk to other people.

    I am planning on getting plenty of social hobbies as part of this. The PUA part is to help me get women while at these various activities.

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    Still on Day Zero
    Since this weekend was the first weekend in August. I am sure some people might be expecting me to have some kind of field report for this weekend. Sadly there is none. My lack of sleeping has finally caught up to me. I was pretty sick Friday and a chunk of Saturday. Then my inner game was a bit out of whack for Saturday night. Overall this has been kind of crappy weekend for me. I can only really off excuses. None good, I feel like crap because in the end I am only hurting myself. I need to buckle down and get through the rest of the emotional progression model.

    Anyway, over the past couple of weeks I had some random conversations. Now that I am a bit more ware of how a good conversation works, I am noticing some stuff. For starters, sometimes I rush what I say. I know what I am trying to say, but everything comes out smushed together. When I correct myself, I do so in a semi-panicked tone. I do not know why I do this. I am trying to work on it... however... I still have a problem with my mind going blank when I am trying to socialize.

    Yet another problem I have. When placed in an unfamiliar social setting I tend to freeze up. Today was a perfect example. A waitress at Old Chicago was commenting on my hat. She said it was a cool hat. When I tried to explain to her where it was from I had a hard time finding the words. When asked a question my mind just went blank. I can blame my crappy mood for this as well. Hell I had not showered or shaved... I looked like I just feel out of bed and did not feel like cooking for myself. Oh well chance missed, it happens.

    Finally, I have been paying more attention to conversations I have. I am noticing how boring Yes/No conversations are. My friend tends to get stuck in those kinds of conversations. He will just start talking. All of his questions will be a yes or no question. I can tell when he thinks I am not listening. It is really hard to force his question into a discussion. Especially when I agree with what he is saying. I always find it hard to have small talk. Maybe I am just over thinking.

    Anyway, I am going to rest up and work on finishing up the chapters on the Emotional Progression Model. That way I can head out and do my one encounter. I guess I need to spend some time this week looking for bars to go too. Maybe my company will have a happy hour and I can go spend time with them and then do my one conversation on my way out?

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    Approach Anxiety I Guess

    Approach Anxiety I Guess
    So I guess it is time I write out my report for last week right?| Believe it or not there was a little more progress this past week, I actually went out.| Sadly that is all I did.| I learned that I need to go somewhere where there is nothing to distract me.| I went to a Dave and Busters this past weekend.| When I get my AA... well I see a Rails shooter and say "Wow that would be fun".| I really need to work on my AA, because I had a perfect situation where I could have opened.
    |
    Would have been an old fashioned situational opener.| There was a group of girls at this place all dressed as pirates.| So clearly I could have come up with something.| I cannot think of anything right now.| Something to do with the costumes.| However, I always got nervous.| When I did not get nervous the hot ones were no where to be found.| Granted it could have been problematic.| There was a wide range of women there.| Ranging from the fat and ugly to the hot.| Well there was also a nice range of ages there.| Meaning I saw two women who looked like chaperons.| Plus like I mentioned when I saw the groups of them, the hot ones were always no where to be found or playing a game of some kind.
    |
    I am not really sure what I can do about my anxiety.| I mean the worst part about the anxiety is that the mere thought of going out and even talking to one girl causes me to lose motivation.| >_> Oh well.. excuses excuses... that is all I can really say.| After all, I used to get intimidated by going to the gym.| Now I have to go or I feel lazy.

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    Small Victory I Guess

    So during a group exercise class I like to attend I was paired up with a girl. The class was doing a pair workout routine. Anyway, I was paired up with a female. She was about a 10101110, so not unattractive. Aside from little bits of encouragement we did not really talk much during the class. After the class, I happened to run into her on my way out. We shared a small back and forth. Mostly joking about how she was so tired she was wondering if she could make it all the way home. Once got to the locker rooms we went our separate ways. I did get her name, and she got mine. However, that was the extent of it. I have a personal rule of not trying to hook up at the gym. The gym is for working out. However, I did talk to a girl.

    However, I did not go out again this weekend. Instead I stayed home and got drunk. I honestly do not know what is wrong with me. I just start thinking about going out and I basically have a panic attack. I can come up with excuses... like I don't have a good enough understanding of the Emotional Progression Model... but that is an excuse. Sometimes I wonder if I really want this... It has been a very long time since I last tried to do something like this on my own.... I was able to lose weight because I had a personal trainer... maybe I am incapable of getting going on my onw.... I don't know.. in the end I know it is up to me.... I only have myself to blame... maybe I just like keeping that suicidal fire going...

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    Don't put more pressure on you than you can handle, go out without the intention of opening just to get comfortable to go out .. and after that ...

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    @feudel: I have thought about that. However, I am reminded of my trip to Toronto. I did just that, I had been driving for the better part of 15 hours, I was on a road trip, Final Fantasy Distant Worlds had just let out. So I found a nice little pub to hang out in. I just sat there... and it was like all my previous experiences, the longer I sat the worse it got. ^_^ Thanks for the advice though.

    Burning Out
    So this week I have been going through a full-fledged burn out. I have had several unexpected expenses this month. Right now, I only have like $50 to my name. I don't get paid until next Wednesday. I am also worried because I need to finish off my cosplay for NDK in a couple of weeks.

    Couple this with my disappointment in myself for not going out. It is just layers upon layers. I was hoping to have a little experience before heading to NDK. ^_^ then again I would not have the proper experience I think... I believe Anime Conventions are more Day Game than they are night game. However, I have always been unclear on that. Plus I will be going with my friends who are more ambient anime fanatics. I don't know... I think I am over thinking and over plotting again... this is a habit I am trying to break. I guess there is always my college homecoming....

    Anyway, my mind has been reeling... I sometimes feel like this is not a path for me.... Like I should recluse in and focus on my anime website. Then I remember I am trying to change... lying around at my apartment drinking, playing video games and watching anime is what turned me into the wreck I am now. I won't ever give up the video games and anime, but I will try to go out. I don't know.... I think part of me only wants to do this to say I can... then there is the part of me who wants to try to run the "How To Talk To Girls" panel at an anime convention in a couple of years. I went to one a couple of years ago... it was laughable at best. Just the guy running it asking girls for their opinion and the girls saying "Girls are complex".... I am a bit more out going now... maybe I will go to that panel. After the 2nd or 3rd girl says "Girls are complex" i can say something like "Yes so is a rubix cube".

    Anyway my mind has been overactive and I cannot fall asleep, despite being beat from the gym. I just needed to confess and clear my thoughts.

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    Hey Friend,
    I just wanna put you in the right frame.

    You like video games right? Well pick-up is the ultimate game. Have fun with it.

    This is a game that will never get old & everyday is a new adventure. You will learn tricks & tips. Some you will throw-out as useless, and others you will keep in your personal arsenal.

    The longer you play, the better you'll get. Eventually you will dominate.

    Welcome to the game, and good luck.

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