Becoming A Burning Soul, By Taking a Different Path - Journal
Discuss Becoming A Burning Soul, By Taking a Different Path - Journal at the Field Reports within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; Originally Posted by feudel If you never have tried a REAL relationship you will never ...
- 12-07-2011, 12:40 PM #31
You make a valid point. I can reap the benefits of it... I think it is just the time of year. I REALLY hate this time of the year. Plus job hunting is stressful. It is just hard to get myself into the proper mindset to go out and do sets. What with these thoughts and the stress.
- 12-07-2011, 01:14 PM #32
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You know best whether this counts or not
You seem to find all good reasons NOT to continue.
I would try not to focus on the negative sides to much. Ask yourself why you did you start this thread in the first place.
All this is about self improvement am i right ? Maybe some totally different approach to self improvement would help ?
- 12-07-2011, 07:28 PM #33
- 12-19-2011, 07:52 PM #34
I am currently job hunting. Doing phone screens and interviews drain me socially. Plus the anxiety of know whether or not I got the job throws me off what little game I have. So until I find my new job I am not doing sets. I guess I am regretting not doing more sets. I am pretty sure that doing them would have made me less nervous during the interactions I had.
- 12-25-2011, 04:17 AM #35
FrozenSoul, Watch this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-i3g-RvC-iA
im struggling wit jobs & finance too. But building a social life doesn't stop. It's what u desire to be. Once u desire it badly, Ur limitless.Regards
Spades! (Playin to win)
- 12-25-2011, 09:42 PM #36
@swordfish_blackfox: That is another problem I have been having is determining if I really want it that badly. If I am able to find things that I enjoy more than improving my social life. Then do I even desire it? Recently my head has been in a bad place. I can come up with plenty of half-assed excuses to avoid socializing. Simple ones, it is too cold out, I do not want to ride for 40 minutes to get there, SWTOR beta is this weekend, I need to catch up on anime, I need to finish writing the software for my website, I need sleep, I am too tired to go out, I might be relocating so why build a network here, and my favorite I have not had any accidental successes all my life so I am not cut out for this.
Your link stumbled me to this video. Needless to say, the message is clear. I do not have that level of motivation. I am stuck in a funk where vanishing off the face of the earth is more appealing than my goals here.
- 12-26-2011, 11:56 AM #37
So I may have already discussed this in previous entries. However, I just feel like rehashing it. My mind is kind of occupied with anger recently. It is bringing up old thoughts and motivation to continue my social improvement.
Use for Evil
One of my original motivations for this quest was to cause misery among females. You know seduce a girl convince her that I love her and make her love me. Then toss her out like a cheap toy. Making sure she knows that is all she ever was. Something that was there to break up my usual routine of anime and video games. You know cause some real heart-break. I know there will be consequences. Not that I really care. After all, I am suicidal. Any father of brother who would come to kill me would be doing me a favor. Hell it might even be the best way to get myself killed. It would also justify setting up a surveillance system.
However, one of my curses is for me to try to remain neutral about stuff. You know never let any one emotion or thought drive me. No matter how satisfying I think it would be. I like to step back and examine things. That is why I am making this post. So that being said I know that what I want to do is wrong. I am going to wilfully manipulate, deceive and hurt people. For my own amusement, and enjoyment. The problem is that I do not feel wrong. I feel right, like I am doing the right thing. This is where I can see a problem. I have no objection to doing this. If you guys told me tomorrow I could wake up and be this person. I would accept it in a heart beat. Even if it meant I die within a year.
The only place where I feel, kind of wrong is being part of this community. This community strikes me as a community where you strive to improve lives. Yes I will be improving my life, but at the cost of potentially ruining others. So my only guilt likes in whether or not I should remain an active member of this community. You now actively seeking advice, actively giving advice, and actively sharing my stories. It feels wrong to be part of a community that does good for others. Kind of like that kid who has only ever used a knife to cut food. He has never seen it as a tool to kill someone. I am the kid who sees the tools point and can find new uses. I guess part of me just doesn't want to be a part of the people who seem more innocent than I.
I lack the charisma to do it right now. However, I am pretty sure I can obtain it. Though my heart waivers. I wonder what I can do to continue progressing. Maybe I will just give up and recluse back to where I was. I do not know to be honest. Reclusing is easier, I have a vivid imagination. With some USB toys from japan... hell I could get my sexual fix without ever giving up my other hobbies. The choices we must make
- 12-29-2011, 01:19 PM #38
Sorry if I just seem to be using this as some kind of extra blog.| I can stop doing that if this is a problem.| Once again I have no field report.| More just musings on the particular topic of getting better socially.| Topics I do not need to be cluttering up the forum with.
Maybe It Is My Circumstances
Anyway, maybe it is just the time of year.| I can look at work right now.| I have a change that I could implement.| The change would likely solve a problem.| The change requires literally nine keystrokes.| Yet here I am writing a blog and staring at my computer wanting to go home.| The fix would take hardly any effort to test and I could be done with it.| Yet here I am typing out a blog for my thoughts.| So that leads me to believe that my lack of motivation could be the attitude that is for this time of year.| I mean at my office there is barely 35% of the people here.| Most of the bosses are on vacation and no one is around.| It is the end of the year, most people are on holiday.| So really that saps all my motivation to do anything other than be lazy.| Hell I am even taking tomorrow off... even though I NEED to be saving some vacation days.| More on why later
I mean right now I am contemplating skipping the gym tonight because I just want to be lazy.| I want to get drunk and play SWTOR.| I am even though I have no money, thank you giftmas, I want to go out and buy some beer and sit on my recliner and just play SWTOR all night long.| While drinking of course.| Drinking so much that I black out while still online or something.|| I think that would be hilarious, because I would not need a screensaver.| Because there is plenty going on in that game.| However, I have done a lot of laxing at the end of the year.| I have laxed my diet a lot.| I have laxed well anything else I have done.|| Opting to play games or sleep.| When I think about previous years, it was not much different.
Previous years I always had a hard time motivating myself to continue pushing forward during this time of the year.| Even though I had a goal in mind.| A goal to continue to lose weight, last year, I still found myself being lax and not doing much.| Skipping the gym and my diet.| The year before it was even worse.| I think I actually took a nap at work.| That was back when the office was so small 50% of the office missing meant there was only like 8 or 9 of us here.| Again, I could not motivate myself to do anything at home either.| Not that the holidays are the only thing going on right now.
I am also looking for a new job.| Yesterday I had two interviews.| That drained the life out of me.| Had I not had a good adrenaline high after the second one I probably would have gone home and crashed out.| I find interviews are much like me interacting with women.| My mind goes blank and my eyes tend to lose focus.| I mean I was looking at the interviewer when he was talking to me.| However, I did not see him.| I had to focus my mind to actually know I was looking at him.| It was a him for both interviews.| It just drains my energy to have to focus like that.| To have to use my mind.| I am not sure what I am going to do at my next interview.
There is a job that I am interviewing for that called me back for an in person interview within 4 hours of my phone screen.| Most companies I have to wait at least 48 hours before I hear anything.| Even better they want to get me down there to interview ASAP.| So I have an interview scheduled on January 10th.| That is also stressing me out.| Because if I get the job, I take being flown in on that companies dime as a good indicator they want me, then I will move to that city.
At which point I will be left with two choices.| The first choice, take advantage of this change and reinvent myself.| I am in an environment that is 90% new.| I say 90% because technically my sister lives in the city I would be moving too.| She is in college and should be graduating this year.|| She is my one tie to the past and that kind of thing makes it hard for me to push forward.| A sudden change often times makes people think something bad has happened.| Thus it kills my motivation to want to change.| On the other side, I can work on accomplishing the other thing I wanted.| That is to be as close to 100% anonymous as I can be.| Be there but not, if you know what I am saying.| If you are the new guy in town then it is easy to do that.| Just never leave your apartment and keep social interaction to the absolute minimum.||| I already do that, the only reason I exist here is because my family makes me exist.| Not that any of my neighbors could tell you my gender. |
There is the whole me being broke thing as well.| I mean I am so very broke thanks to vet bills and giftmas... it is not even funny.| I do not even have $50 to my name right now and I get paid in two days... yeah I should not be buying booze... and that was after a $300 loan from my next paycheck.| Having literally no money really depresses yet pretty bad.| AT least it does for me.| Makes me feel like and idiot for being bad with my money.
So yeah, there is just a ton of shit hitting the fan right now.| I am just kind of riding it out.| I can get more easily motivated to do the things I am already good at.| Like staying away from people and being angry at the world.| Not to mention how much amusement I can get from being an ass.| Though some of those amusement fantasies would require a lot of change.| Like the one where I get good with women seduce them nice and good then not have sex with them.| You know dump them and tell them it was just a joke I played on them.| That kind of stuff.| I am planning on getting rid of my big bed if I move and picking up a small one.| I mean I do not see myself have sex anytime soon so why not have extra real estate in my bedroom for a desk or something?
Anyway enough of my babbling.| This is just something that is ambient for me.| I want advice, however, I do not want to waste perfectly good forum space with these musings.| There is no point in getting philosophical advice on a forum geared towards getting women.| So I will hide it here... after all this is a journal of some kind right?
- 12-31-2011, 08:21 AM #39
So today, since it is the last day of the year, I decided to look back on my musings in this blogs for the past well five and a half months. All I can say is that I wonder if I am all talk? I look back at this and see that I only have like four actual encounters... yes FOUR... The rest is me just bitching and whining on this site. All I have done is whine about things. This is not that kind of site and I know that. Just goes to show how weak I really I am. I have to wonder, do I really want this?
Let Me Review My Lack of Progress
This is a question that comes up a lot with me. Do I really want this? Seriously I have to wonder if I really want this change. Read my blog and see how little I have done. Lets play count up the excuses I come up with. It will be quite amusing for all of us. So what exactly am I doing here? Hell if anything I just lurk and be a dick... maybe it is time that I vanished from this forum... for a second time. I do not know to be honest.
I mean I have a giant pile of goals that I want to accomplish next year. I have them all written down at accompl.sh. Feel free to read through them. It is funny lets play count how many of those goals actually involve me being around other people? There are a couple. However, I have hidden them. They are hard to find amongst all the shut in crap that I want to accomplish this year. I could easily accomplish all of these goals and rarely leave my apartment. I have more than enough to keep me busy for the next year. Which is.. well I guess kind of sad.
I wonder why I cannot treat this self-improvement like my working out? Seriously why am I unable to do that? All this year I was able to force myself to work out about... I would say 90% of the time. It did not matter how tired, stressed, or sick I was. I could always find time to go to they gym. Some days I would just drag my ass to the gym. Even when I dragged myself I could give 100%. I cannot even give 1% for this. Ok maybe some days I was not giving 100% at the gym. However, I know I did not drop down past 85%. I wonder why I cannot go out and do the same for this? Probably because at the gym I do not have to talk to people.
Anyway tis the last day of they year. So I figure I am going to end the year the only way I can. By drinking, playing video games and looking at the women I want, but will never have, online. It is funny each year I come closer and closer to suicide. I wonder when I will get it over with? Oh yeah, I can find the will to play a video game non-stop and take notes on it for an entire weekend... yet I cannot find the will to go off and get closer to having a regular sex life?
- 01-02-2012, 07:26 AM #40
i like your journal and it motivates me since i am going thru almost same situation with the anxiety etc. I have a question though, how does your rating system wrok. like you mentiioned a girl and rated her as 10110100, is that binary lol?.Girls are like phones. They love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
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