Inspired by DeadEyeDick’s recent Field Report, I decided to report on my weekend. It did not include drunken orgies. But rather, me getting thoroughly drunk, and pissed off. However everyone that I told this story to today thought it was hilarious. I still do not see much humor in it, but if you guys can get a laugh, well so be it!
CMPitts goes Camping; Hilarity does not ensue
Yesterday, I went with my great friend, “Shelly” to the Penn State football game (We kicked ass, btw). Shelly approaches dating and sex like a guy would, so I can get along with her without too many problems. Plus she’s extremely average in the looks department, so I feel no overwhelming desire to fuck her. Makes for a great friendship. Any who, Shelly invites me to go camping with her friends, another guy, whom I will refer to as the Beta Boy Wonder, or BBW (yes, BBW ) and another girl “Cassie” whom would inspire me to form great insults.
I agree to go camping, because it appeals to my warrior nature. I also liked the prospect of getting drunk by the fire, and possibly getting laid. Took two Trojans, just in case.
BBW and I met at Shelly’s apartment, and packed our bags into a tiny Honda. We then went to pick up Cassie. My first thoughts on Cassie:
*Short hair. Minus attractive points.
*Eh, cute face, I wouldn’t have to be hammered to bang her.
*She has a nice voice. Ok, I’m going to fuck her
That is, until, I actually started talking to her. She immediately goes into friendly territory and starts asking about my major:
Cas: So what’s your major?
Me: I’m in economics!
Cas: *sour face*
Me: (Whenever somebody does this when I mention my major, I usually toss in “Yea, I’m in econ because I like pain” because it usually brings out a laugh in the girls) Yea, I’m in econ because I like pain.
Cas: ………… launches into 5 minute discussion about sadism and masochism.
Me: BBW, I need to start drinking.
Now we picked up Cassie at the dorms, where mostly freshman live. So I asked if she was a freshman?
Cas: No, I’m a sophomore. I get really offended when people assume I’m a freshman.
Me: Oh yea, I feel terrible about offending you. *shit grin*
Cas: ……gets pissed off…….
Whatever, if she can’t take a joke, then fuck her.
Let’s talk about BBW. He really wants to fuck Shelly. Badly. His nose is so far up her ass that he probably couldn’t even smell the delicious hotdogs we cooked! Typical college student kind of guy. I thought he was like a Yuppie-turned-Woodsman. Basically, he had every technical camping gear known to man. I brought along a pillow, a blanket, my beer, and a spare pair of underwear. This dude brings two mattress pads because he doesn’t like sleeping on the ground, a personal space heater, a shotgun (I know), compass (because we are only like 25 feet from the trail ), like 3 different pairs of shoes, etc etc etc. It was comical.
So we get to the campsite, and check out the awesome overlook. We are way up in the mountains, and the overlook was pure amazing. I could have stayed up there all day with a beautiful woman.
However I’m stuck with average women. Shit. When Cassie talks, I realize that all she needs is a pair of balls, and she would probably be a guy. As some of you know, I am no fan of feminism, and she was the perfect embodiment of it. My new mission: get drunk and insult everyone. I start cracking beers.
Cassie and Shelly met in a psychology class. They start talking about some gibberish, which I block out, while enjoying the view. Until Cassie says something that catches my ears:
Cas: ………….. yea, because there’s such a big difference between your sex and your gender.
Me: What? No that’s stupid, there is no difference between that. You don’t know what you are talking about.
Cas: No, it’s true. There is a difference.
Me: You are retarded.
Cassie did not speak to me for the rest of the trip. I will put this in the win column.
By this time, Cassie is annoying me with her little sister-like ways, BBW is talking shit about all the guys Shelly dates, Shelly is talking to her harem of cocks and complaining about men, and me? I’m pounding beers because I’m miserable at this point.
Now, I would love to say I turned this situation around, and had a threeway with these girls, but no, it did not happen. Even CMPitts has limits.
Sadly, a 12 pack of Natural Lite was not enough for the Pittser, so I tried to buy somebody else’s beer. Now since all three of them had only had like 3 tops, and there was plenty of beer in the cooler, I offered money to anyone who would give me some of their beer.
Cas: I’ll sell mine for 50 bucks.
Me: Don’t be an asshole, I’ll give you two bucks, it’s lite beer, c’mon.
BBW: Dude, you’ve had enough man
Me: I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough BBW (Yes, I did call him that outloud). Just sell me your beer for 2.
Cas: No I want 50.
Disgustingly angry at how stubborn everyone was, I just started drinking their beer too. Oh well, go hard or go home, seriously.
So now it happens to be midnight, and I am drunker than a sailor, and I want to go on a walk around the campsite. I take a flashlight and Shelly comes with me, seeing how angry I was getting throughout the night. Shelly and I end up having a huge argument about BBW and Cassie, which I’m pretty sure they heard, because I couldn’t realize that they were only like 30 feet away. Oh well.
I come back. Shelly gives me another one of her beers to quiet me down, and I start thinking about sleeping on this log so I don’t have to be in the small tent with everyone else.
After 20 minutes, I realize I cannot sleep on the log.
I drunkenly climb over everyone in the tent to get to my corner, and pass out immediately.
I awake at 7 in the morning, and my bladder is about to explode. I assume everyone else is going to get up soon as the sun is starting to hit me in the face.
I wait until 9:30 when they all start to get awake. I am miserable and I’m pretty sure my piss is backing up into my system.
I manage to get out at 10, and piss for a solid 5 minutes.
It was a quiet ride home. Cassie didn’t talk to me, nor did she say goodbye. BBW and I discussed apartments in State College, and I’m still waiting for a phone call from Shelly telling me I’m not invited to any more camping trips.
I hope you enjoyed this story as much as my friends loved laughing at it while I was telling it.