Discuss I have some limiting beliefs regarding my age at the The 30+ Forum within the The Attraction Forums. Dating Advice.; I have some limiting beliefs regarding my age
You know I didn't use to have ...
I have some limiting beliefs regarding my age
You know I didn't use to have these limiting beliefs until I moved back to the small hometown that I came from. Ever since i did that I have been subjected to a lot of small town beliefs that are hurting me and I need to flesh these out and hear from guys regarding how true this stuff is.
1) I'm too old to relocate
At 31 years old my coworkers, family, and even some friends are telling me that it's time to settle down, maybe go back to school so I can make more money, and stay put. When I bring up moving to a city where there is more options and actions or going to a island or beachtown tourist area to make some quick cash they are telling me that my time has passed for a descent shot at that stuff, that the job competition is too thick for me at my age, that at my age it will be hard to start over on my own or form social networks. Not only that but Im starting to question my own energy levels at this point too and I know I can't rely on looks to get a good service job as much as I could before in these tourist area's.
2) I'm too old to be a player
A lot of people in this small town keep giving me feedback that I need to grow up, need to settle down, need to committ to a girl and date and stuff and stop chasing this silly dream of dating a bunch of women, not comitting easily, ect. They basically are saying I need to settle for being a provider at this point, which is a bit intimidating since I can't provide all that much on a superficial level right now. People are basically telling me to grow up and dress and act my age.
3) Dating younger women won't lead to anything
Those that realize that it's possible for someone my age to have sex with or see girls that are much younger, still seem to feel that none of those girls will really take me seriously for anything coming out of it. It would be a fling and that's it, nothing more. I don't have the correct social group aspects or social proof to keep them entertained enough or to hold my own, and I'm too old to be competing with the younger guys in bars and clubs.
So these are all things I've basically been being spoon-fed by friends, family, and society in this small town for a while now and I am starting to think like them. Are they right? Do I need to re-evaluate my strategies here, find a way to meet women that is more realistic and down to earth? I don't know like go back to school get a quality career going and meet women with similar interests as a part of my life, act more my age, dress more my age, stop giving off the player vibe ect?
I don't know ... what do you guys think?
Many of these are typical beliefs in a small town. Settling down in your early-to-mid 20's is normal. You are late by their standards.
If you want to go do these other things, you will probably have to proceed without their approval.
I grew up in a state that has fewer people than the city where I live now. People who choose to live there do it because they like it there, just like people who choose to live in big cities or Texas or France. Their beliefs and choices work for them, but you have to decide what you believe and what works for you.
Everyone has ideas about how other people should live. In small towns you constantly see the same people, so it’s hard to avoid being judged. Rejecting their ideas means rejecting them. That makes them question themselves, and when forced to confront what they might be missing, some cling that much more tightly to the old ideas and the safety of avoided risk.
You don’t strike me as that kind of guy.
Everything you mentioned is hard. But everything in life is hard. People who don’t want these things will think that getting them is too hard.
1) I'm too old to relocate
I’m a player at 48. I meet cool women all the time. I meet someone I'd consider LTR material about every 60 days. That’s because I live in a city with lots of women who have to compete with each other for my attention.
2) I'm too old to be a player
Dating younger women leads to sleeping with younger women. A big age gap gives men an abundance mentality, making things tougher for all women. This scares small-town women because they're not sure they can compete with big-city women. (This is a ridiculous idea, by the way.)
I left at 22. By 29, I had a glamorous job that took me all over the world. At 48, I have an even more glamorous job that I love and I live in a beautiful exciting city full of desirable women. If I had stayed home, which plenty of people recommended, I would have married some cute girl and been raising kids by 29. By 35, she and I would both weigh 300 pounds. By 48, I'd be talking myself out of suicide most of the day.
Look, what these people believe and what they have chosen for themselves works for them. Those things may not work for you. You have to choose for yourself.
Just remember this: These people are not going to change their beliefs for you. You will never fit in if you don’t conform to their ways. If you can live with being an outcast, stay there.
If not, then you need to leave.
Originally Posted by silversixone
Wow silver, you really nailed it. These people definately make me feel like an outsider, an outcast, like I don't fit in. Even when I try to fit in it just never seems to work. I use to fit in back when I was growing up here, but after 8 years away from here and coming back .. it's like a totally different world. It's like I am some sort of alien. They are strangely attracted to me in some ways, but their logic just wont allow them to accept me.
I need stimulation, I need choice -- but at the same time Im not 22 either. Im 31. The worst thing I could possibly do is to relocate and fail .. finding myself isolated in a strange place. With all the extra options and oppurtunities and with past success in relocating temporarily .. I can't imagine that could happen, but I am a little older and I just worry about fitting in with people younger than me, but I think that's probably small town thinking. If I remember right it seems like it's much easier to find people to vibe and jive with in a city because there are just so many different personalities and lifestyles there.
It would be worse to stay there and die miserable when with just a little effort you could have the kind of life you need and deserve.
Relocating means that no one knows who you are. You can completely reinvent yourself. Cities are full of people being who they truly are without caring what other people think.
Go for it.
Everything you wrote is bullshit.
They don't like you for who you are?
-------- "This is who I am F*** you very much."
--------------- Who are they to judge you? Are they shining beacons of zen enlightenment who are happy in bliss?
<<<<< 1) I'm too old to relocate >>>>>
Why? Bullshit. are you confined to a wheel chair and a walker?
<<<<< At 31 years old my coworkers, family, and even some friends are telling me that it's time to settle down >>>>>
Why? Because that is their definition of "normal"?
F*** their normal F*** the societal programming BS
If someone tells me they want grand children, I point them to the orphanage. If they won't make that commitment why should I? It's kids and a marriage, not a matching couch and a magazine subscription.
<<<<< I know I can't rely on looks to get a good service job as much as I could before in these tourist area's. >>>>>
So rely on your personality and experience. I'd rather employ someone smart and capable of instigating fun and someone able to recognize a mistake any day.
<<<<< 2) I'm too old to be a player >>>>>
When I was 31 I dated someone 20 years old. I also date a woman who was 40. Age doesn't matter to me. Looks, intelligence, charm, personality matters to me.
<<<<< A lot of people in this small town keep giving me feedback that I need to grow up, need to settle down, >>>>>
F*** them. They want to convert you to their thinking, to their institutions, to their programming because it reinforces their choices. if it is right and good for you do it. Negative emotions are a signal from your brain that what you are currently doing is not working and change in a positive direction is needed. If something is missing from this charmed life and it is causing negative feedback realign your goals and make change.
<<<<< need to committ to a girl and date and stuff and stop chasing this silly dream of dating a bunch of women, not comitting easily, ect. >>>>>
F*** them. Usually it's fat and fugly women or hen pecked neutered men who give this advice.
<<<<< They basically are saying I need to settle for being a provider at this point, which is a bit intimidating since I can't provide all that much on a superficial level right now. >>>>>
F*** them. If I understand them right - find a girl, any girl, knock her up, squeeze out a couple puppies, put a ring on her finger, buy her a car and a house and struggle to make ends meet as you have the same piece of pussy night after night as you mow the lawn on the weekends and hang out with the same old boring people watching grays anatomy.
Will that make them happy? Will that make you happy? Stop trying to please everyone else and concentrate on doing what is best and right for you.
<<<<< People are basically telling me to grow up and dress and act my age. >>>>>
F*** them. If anything they should be telling you to go out and meet some hot hot super hot chick who was a model and is now a doctor or lawyer and makes three times your salary in a week.
<<<<< 3) Dating younger women won't lead to anything >>>>>
F*** them - it will lead to a god damned blowjob in the parking lot and someone who will amp your nads.
That is like saying dating a woman won't lead to anything.
IF IT MEANS I AM HITTING ON THE NURSE IN THE OLD FOLKS HOME BECAUSE THERE IS NO ONE LEFT....
FUG IT - I WILL GO GET A JOB ON A CRUISE SHIP AS A OLD FART DANCE INSTRUCTOR. OR F*** IT - I LIKE NURSES THEY CAN SCORE VIAGRA EASIER FOR ME.
<<<<< Those that realize that it's possible for someone my age to have sex with or see girls that are much younger, >>>>>
<<<<< still seem to feel that none of those girls will really take me seriously for anything coming out of it. >>>>>
F*** them. You don't believe it, you know it is bullshit otherwise it wouldn't be churning you up inside and we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Do I need to do something serious? If I want to take off and go on vacation to Ibiza or Thailand or Costa Rica. Do I need to sit at home for 30 years with my mortgage? Who are you trying to impress?
<<<<< It would be a fling and that's it,... I'm too old to be competing with the younger guys in bars and clubs. >>>>>
That whole paragraph is bullshit. Have you seen the way most of these 18 year old douchebags act?
That is EXACTLY the point.
Quit being scared and starting focussing on what you want out of life.
The only consistent feature in all your dysfunctional relationships is you.
Never date someone with more problems than your own.
Life is too short for drama - a 6 is as much work as a 9 go for the 9.
Life is ten percent what happens and ninety percent how you react.
Everyone here is going to disagree with me.
Do you have a really well developed career?
Do you have your own property, or more then one fully paid off property?
Are you a well established man with investments, power and status?
If you havent answered yes to any of the above, then your family and friends are right. You are getting old and at 29, if (notice i said IF) your goals are kids and a wife, then you should be looking to settle down. The fact of the matter is, you can be a player at any age. If you have game, you can fuck beautiful women well into your 50s. However, if you dont have any of the above which Ive listed, none of those beautiful women are ever going to marry you. They will date you, they might do LTR, but they wont marry you . You're right, you dont need a career or money to sexually seduce them, but if you're going to be some 40+ year old, looking to settle down with a beautiful and intelligent woman in her mid -late 20s and get her to marry you and make babies with you, you're dreaming. These women do marry men in their mid to late 30s and early 40s..hell they marry them in their 50s and 60s too.. but these men drive brand new BMWs, have a few properties and well established careers. If you are just some middle to low class smuck, it just wont work. A high value woman (both physically and mentally) is going to seek a high value man to get married to.. she wants to be able to say to the world..yes.. hes 10-15 years older then me.. but hes got his life sorted (an impressive career), a paid off property, no debt etc. She wants to be able to justify her choice for CHOOSING someone 15 years older then her, not SETTLING.
Status and finances arent the only high value items on your list, which is why older guys on this form get to score (sleep with) with hot younger girls alll the time.. but none of these girls will marry these guys and usually, when the 40+ year old does find the younger girl that fits into his perfect wife criteria, the perfect wife to be, wont be one unless he has that one major high value (Career, money, establishment).
Soo, ask yourself.. what are your goals in life and are they realistic? If you do have a well established career and money in your life, investments etc, you can afford to play around for as long as you wish until you're ready to settle down.
Originally Posted by FemmeFatale
Getting married and having kids with a woman that wants that with me is something I would be open to doing but it's not a GOAL of mine. My goal is simply to try to live my life to the fullest and have lots of experiences and fun times, maybe contribute something to society that lives on after I'm gone that people find valuable.
Ultimately this isn't really a post about getting married to a younger chick. It's more about me being afraid that I am too old to relocate and make all new friends and build a new life without being the older guy with no friends who has a hard time making new friends because of that.
The only thing the place I live now has going for me is simply that at least i have some friends, family, acquantances here. Other than that there are no career oppurtunities, the weather is horrible, and there is not a lot to get involved in or a lot in the way of women I get along with. Most of the women around here are either looking to settle down with a guy and looking for a certain checklist for that or they are party chicks, usually into drugs. In the city there are more women who are independant to pick from and more varieties of women and perspectives. I used to live in a very small city and just the added exposure online to new people was helpful, and that's not to mention the stuff I could get involved in where I would meet new people. I'm hoping that a bigger city will be even better and give me some added control over my life situation and my social situation, but I don't want to feel isolated or lonely. Even then though it would still be better than here because there's more stuff I could do with my free time and I would never run out of places to go and meet people either, unlike here.
Really what I wanted to do was to see if I could hear from any dudes that have started over after 30 in a new place far from home. If I stay here I might as well just meet some girl and be the provider chode guy and marry her and pop out some kids because shit, there is nothing else to do.
1) Relocate based on what you want next in life. Don't listen to family and friends. Femme is also handing you the traditional line. But do so with a purpose. Do so with the goal of finding that career stop or lifestyle that floats your boat.
2,3) What? At 29, the only women who are too young are 17, although practically, the limit is more about life stage (out of college, for example). The "younger women" problem doesn't hit until you're like me, who already has 3 kids 12-18 and younger women want to have kids.
Go be a bartender in a resort town or something. Don't live your life for somebody else, or some abstract expectation. If you don't follow your dream, you'll have little respect for yourself, which will prevent others from respecting you too.
I was your age when I switched careers (big time) and became an entrepreneur. I left behind all the security that my family told me was important. Screw them. I hit the jackpot and made them a bunch of dough along the way. And I woke up to being a man, being attractive, and living a life of plenty.
I hear ya, but well, it took me until 32 to achieve the american dream which I worked for about 2.5 years VERY hard for, suffering, suffering, suffering. I went to church, without missing, even when going out of town, I'd visit a similar one. Our church is a small %, like 2%, of all Christians in America today, but they're everywhere, and no it's not Jehovahs Witness or LDS. THESE connections helped Root me anywhere I wanted to be rooted. They paved the way. There's almost always someone in the church who holds a job (long-term) for a good company, who can get you in, IF you show you're committed to the church i.e. serve however you can give of yourself.
This, I believe, is the fastest way you can rise up and become a provider out in front, and a player on the side. All I have to work on now is my playerdom. The gals in the church are a little too cold/non-talkative but, I've had a few options, but I can't decide to go for her for a lifetime - that scares the shit outta me.
So, I'm dating/going out in the non-church world, downtown, nightlife, daygame, but I stay heavily ensconced in my provider friends as well. Don't forsake one or the other. To much one way can lead to your downfall, and too much the other can as well. It's a balancing act, and you need to your career and your future secured away first.
You can live wherever you want. I never listen to my family. They could not possibly know how to advise me, living my life, 1000 miles away. Who do they think they are? To ADVISE me from such a distance?